Can't stop it now

// 2023-07-31, 2 min read, #life #cats

re: When Grief and Trauma Become Background Noise

They found a mass in/near/on Duster's intestines and he can't eat without pain meds. If the mass is cancer, it may have spread to his throat, otherwise suspected dental issues could be causing the trouble eating. Or perhaps still his trouble is lingering neurological damage from the stroke.

But with pain meds, he's eating, and the longer he's on them the more vigorously he eats. He's not giving up yet, so we've decided to take the next step which is an ultrasound of his abdomen to get a better look. Beyond that, removal or biopsy or exploratory surgery will require anesthesia. Dental work will require anesthesia too. He's 15 years old, the upper range of the typical indoor house cat life, which I started researching a lot last night because I was wondering if he was going a little senile.. He kept looking at me and pausing, and then turning around, and then turning back and looking at me again. He's so old, and he's increasingly fragile. What we keep coming back to is that it's probably not safe to put him under anesthesia. If he survives that and it is cancer, it's also going to be super rough to put him through chemotherapy. He's roughly 76 years old, if he were a human. The ultrasound is probably as far as we're taking it. I don't know what answers we'll get from it, or if we'll just get more questions. But it feels wrong to not even try that step.

I've been looking up at-home pet euthanasia services.

Only for when the bad days are in the clear majority.

So the grief, the pain, the fear, the guilt?, it's all front and center now. I can't push it back anymore. I've broken down sobbing at least once a day for the last week.

January 6th 2009 is when we entered each other's lives. I was almost 21 years old.

I learned last night that my phone's microphone isn't strong enough to pick up his purring.. Gonna try my wife's later

Olive is ten years old. Senior/elderly cats are considered 10-15 years old. That's considered the end of the average indoor cat life span. The typical onset of cat dementia and other old age ailments. It was really great adopting them both young so they could play together, but I don't know if I have it in me to go through this again within the next few years.

Olive, to his credit, hasn't slown down a bit. He's still so active and happy and playful. Duster started slowing down at maybe 10-12 years old, with most of it just last year.

I dunno, nature of life and all that shit. I just can't push it into the background anymore. I'm leaning on my wife so much. Part of me wonders if a sudden death would have been easier than the drawn out agony of knowing it's happening without knowing when it's gonna happen.

It's just wild all the things Duster has helped me through this past decade and a half. I've never had a positive relationship last this long before. I was such a different person back then and he's given me unconditional love throughout it all. I truly would not be the person I am without him.

I will never be able to honor Duster the way he deserves.

---

View this page on web