Note 1: Content is sorted by most recent date, but first to last entry on those dates

Note 2: Whenever I say "person", I'm only referring to one person.

14-11-2023

Failed dramatically to ask a girl out, instead ended just staring at her for a very likely noticeable amount of time.

24-06-2023

Still alive. Further updates may or may not come.

30-06-2023

Hi, I'm back. Depressed again, going to rant for a bit.

Need to get my life in order.

The Child First Act 2015 is kind of shit, and the reason I haven't talk to anyone. View "Mandated Persons" and Section 14 (2).

I'm so sorry for letting it all go. I'm so sorry.

I want my blood on the streets in front of Leinster House.

I just want someone to hold me, lie to me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Bye for now.

30-05-2023

Stressed.

24-05-2023

How do you come to terms with the fact that someone is going to die because of you?

18-05-2023

New haiku just dropped (scroll to near the end if you've already read the old ones):

haiku.gmi

10-05-2023

I don't know if I'm a good person anymore, if I ever even was.

08-05-2023

Hi.

27-03-2023

I have so much shit that I've had ages to get done, but still don't have.

Cried last night while lying in bed and listening to Olivia Rodrigo.

It's interesting how easy it is to make connections between song lyrics and you own life.

People I want to write letters to, even if they don't necessarily read it:

Person

Scott (some random really nice person I met while camping)

People I need to send an email to because I keep forgetting:

Mellita

Might do an r/UnsentLetters post for one or both of the first two.

23-03-2023

I feel like I need to have an emotional breakdown.

Had a minor emotional breakdown.

Put up my email if anyone would like to email me.

Note on the meta-flounder file. Read at your own risk. If you're upset, annoyed/angry, or insult by what I write, I'm very sorry, but I just want a place to be able to write honestly.

21-03-2023

Hi, I thought I might just post to let you all know I'm alive. Planning to get back into this and might do a general update blog post at some stage.

09-03-2023

All the Danish people were/are really hot.

Why the fuck does the world have to be so complicated?

Raining really badly today, first signs of climate change.

So many thoughts, so little done.

Just realise that I've been mixing up my E's. There's E friend of H and E friend of Person.

08-03-2023

I don't think I'm okay.

Thinking of writing some kind of "meta-flounder" file, where I can write about people on flounder freely, but people can still read my journal without learning what I really think about them. And yes, I know that I probably shouldn't be writing it down in the first place, but I feel the need to. It would probably mainly for people who don't have an account here to read.

That one weird Windows shortcut that opens LinkedIn (Ctrl + Alt + Shift + Win + W).

I have access to the new Bing now.

07-03-2023

Hi, I'm so sorry I haven't been posting much, and you people can't read my deepest thoughts. I've been trying to concentrate more, and not do as much stuff like going off and blogging.

Went for a walk with H yesterday, I think it's the longest IRL conversation I've ever had with them.

01-03-2023

Hi, I'm back again, not dead yet. Haven't been able to post for the last little while because of the fact that the wifi on my laptop went.

I am really behind on a load of different shit.

Cut off person, but am now questioning if it was the right decision.

Been talking to E quite a lot lately. I've enjoyed it, but also get the feeling that we're not exactly on the same wavelength.

The space bar on me keyboard is making a weird creaking sound, and it's really annoying.

I need to try to remember not to share this with people.

I might write another post on the declining state of my mental health.

One of the biggest problems is I don't have any baseline to compare my thoughts against.

I need to get my shit together.

I might finally get around to emailing Mellita later. I might not though, we'll see.

21-02-2023

Wondering if I should write an essay on them.

"Because your first love's not gonna walk you home, she got sick on your coat then you called her, and told her it's over, now your as hollow as you always thought you'd be, screaming hold my hand but please don't touch me" - Bears in Trees

I wonder it worse to cut open a vein or an artery?

Search up "Magnus Modus". It's absolutely beautiful, and even more so in really life.

https://www.ecosia.org/search?q=magnus%20modus

And yes I have seen it in real life.

Started doing more dips.

I now eat kiwis similar to apples.

20-02-2023

Hey, so I know at one point I said I won't go back and change anything on here, but I'm going to now. There's just some things that I don't want here forever, so I'm going to take them down now.

Feeling as shit as ever.

I'm a horrible dipshit of a person.

I hate when you don't do something, and then you're too awkward/nervous to do it late, and then just don't do it, and then you realise that you just shouldn't really bother taking up space in the world.

Might try to write a long-form post later.

Getting shit done, while listening to music.

Oh yeah, blocked Person last week. Also punched them in the arm today.

Vibing to Imagine Dragons, going to go to bed in a minute.

"So this is where you fell" "It's time to begin, isn't it"

Not the world's most profound lyrics, but I felt drawn to them.

"This house doesn't burn down slowly to ashes" "I'm just the same as I was, don't you understand, I'm never changing who I am"

Night.

19-02-2023

Hi, I'm back, not dead yet.

Been off for midterm break, wasn't bothered at all to post.

But now I'm procrastinating, so I am bothered to post.

It terms out if there's a bathroom somewhere, and staying there for some extended period of time, I will end up curling up there.

A clarification that no one asked for: When I say "curled up on the floor, I mean that I'm in a fetal position, but the soles of my feet/shoes are on the floor, and my back is against the wall, and I'm hugging my knees. This ensures that I'm not sitting/lying in whatever is on the floor of the bathroom.

If my life doesn't have any meaning, at least my death should.

I've realised/learned (I don't know what's up with all the slashes today) how much of pain tolerance is mental, and nothing to do with what your body can withstand. There's probably a point of change, but my weak-ass experiments haven't reached it yet.

10-02-2023

I need to rewrite "Let it Snow" from "and society's slowly dying".

And yes, I just came up with that in my head a minute ago.

Cried (well, shed tears) for the first time in ages on Wednesday night.

09-02-2023

I thought yesterday that I had nothing to do, before realising at 10 o'clock that I had a load to do.

I've started to stay up later on week days than I used to most weekends.

I had so much I should have done yesterday that I didn't get done, and now need to be done.

I think I might actually write an essay on that expression.

Mr. R putting in too much effort for people who don't appreciate it.

08-02-2023

I need to get my work ethic together.

I think the reason some of my ideals are extreme is that I know that I'll only ever get half way there.

I really want to date, but I feel like it would be irresponsible and that I could hurt somebody.

I wonder what a sentiment analysis of my journal would look like.

It would probably be extremely negative.

I wonder what the strangest thing I'll ever do in my life will be.

Actually. If anyone would like to do a sentiment analysis of this, or could recommend a tool (preferably open source), that would be greatly appreciated.

I could do an essay on that expression.

07-02-2023

I really need to introduce the part of me that is actually somewhat intellectual and not depressed. The best method would probably be to write some blog posts.

No one else really cares.

Wonder what can give my life meaning.

The world is becoming a complete and utter shitshow.

Night y'all, sleep well.

06-02-2023

Feels odd that I haven't posted in three days.

Was thinking over the weekend that I might be starting to come out the other side, but today I'm not so sure.

Been xxxxxxxxxxing way too much lately.

I really need to work on my keyboard (it was quite expensive, and shouldn't go to waste), but there's weird problems, I just don't know what to do, I'm really tired and it's all too much.

I thought I am/was good at processing my problems, analyzing them, and making note of how to change, and then things. Turns out I am not.

I have a test tomorrow that it would be very good of me to actually study for. I am blogging instead.

I wonder if by bringing it up with them I am showing that some part of my psyche wants them to read this.

So much shit to do, so much time wasted on my phone.

I think I might try to deal with all this by crying.

But I won't, because for some reason I haven't cried for over a month now. This is very healthy.

Need to put more music onto my mp3 player.

I wonder when this will reach the file size limit for flounder.

It might be nice to actually talk to someone.

I'm so sorry that I just can't be strong.

Bye, goodnight. I think I might go cry now. We'll see.

02-02-2023

It's weird how when you learn who someone is, you start seeing them around quite a lot.

Skywalking seems absolutely amazing.

Need to work more on that short story, but I have loads of things to do tonight.

Left-wing newspaper.

I need to learn to think before I speak.

People. :(

01-02-2023

St. Brigid's day today.

Thinking of starting a document for all the weird story and world ideas that go through my head.

Going to work with QMK a bit more later.

31-01-2023

Actually had a decent amount of food today.

Went for a run, people were near my spot, so I moved away so that they could have some privacy.

The person who sits beside me in xxxxx has a really nice copy for notes.

I have a Reddit account now.

30-01-2023

I wonder what shit I'll get up to today.

Dried mango for lunch today.

The actions of some of the people in this area will lead to reduced male fertility in said area.

Was feeling suicidal, now not feeling as suicidal.

Should have brought more food.

Person has a train ticket on the back of their phone.

Reminder: Never xxxxx on someone who is xxxxx again.

I want to ask Person if they'd like to go for a walk, but I know they'll probably end up saying no, and walk around with K instead.

That person was weirdly polite. Made my day. I literally know nothing about you, but thanks Jess (and... Sheila? Sorry, didn't hear your name). Also yes, I know you will, in all likelihood, never read this.

I find it strange those people who (and I recognise my subjective opinion) look better without makeup, yet still wear it.

29-01-2023

Blogging curled up on the floor of that bathroom again.

Trying to get some stuff working in QMK.

Have loads of shit to do.

Project: Attempt to rice GNOME.

26-01-2023

I'm back.

I wonder what problems I have that I haven't noticed yet.

Need to do more of that shit later.

Not sure if getting back into playing Minecraft is a good or bad thing.

T is extremely sound. He's sitting beside me at the moment.

I need to further fuel my interest in ports, what other weird ones are out their, apart from USB?

Wonder if I should make an email for here.

I think I might just be blogging out of habit at this point. Maybe I should give it a break. I wonder what it would be like, having no outlet for my emotions.

A.M. brought me into her office, again, to talk about XXXXXX.

I fucking hate the legal obligation for xxxxxs to mention if xxxxs mention to them anything about self-harm. It's just a barrier, and is stopping me from really trying to get help.

You know that thing I said ages ago I was going to resign from? Well, I have kept on forgetting/not having the courage to.

I want to do the above today, but I know I won't have the courage.

25-01-2023

Life is "great".

I found a magnet from my desk stuck on the side of my laptop.

Feeling kind of sick.

I might have to stay late today due to the arrangements of other people.

Turns out by putting that magnet on a certain part of my laptop, my laptop goes to sleep.

Have a load of stuff to do this evening.

De-soldered a joystick thing from an old remote control.

I don't want to keep hurting people.

Played Minecraft earlier for the first time in ages. I nearly cried, it was so nice being able to forget about everything.

Fact: I watch too much Lifesteal SMP content. The fan art is awesome.

It takes other peoples problems to put yours in perspective, before starting to wallow in self-pity again.

Going to write a blog post on my mental health troubles, I think. Wait a while.

24-01-2023

Being thinking about both what it would be like to and what would happen after if I punched them in the face.

Ended up curled up on the floor of a bathroom for the third time in a week yesterday. Then had to go out, put on a smile, and pretend that everything was okay.

I'll do a bit more writing on that short story later. I've started drafting it in my .hidden, but I don't know when I'll release it.

I've been getting back into doing exercise before I go to bed.

Really annoyed what happen with my project. I back loaded the work, only to learn that I had more time than I thought. Twice. And now I have a nearly completed and kind of shit project.

I'm a weakling.

Started compulsively walking on lines in the ground. As in, all of the time. This is great. I definitely don't have mental problems.

Also, for anyone who thinks I should get help:

https://www.rte.ie/news/ireland/2023/0124/1350471-camhs/

Don't think its going to happen any time soon.

I need to put my head down and just work. But guess what? I won't.

Forgot my mp3 player today, won't be able to listen to music.

Oh yeah, I watched Bank of Dave over the weekend. Hugh and Alexandra are very cute. Unfortunately, there is no fluff of them on ao3 (yet). :(

I'm pretty sure that they haven't read this in a while.

Went for a run, but didn't push myself that hard.

On the above, nope, they've just been reading it over my shoulder frequently. That just pretty much means that they don't know everything.

23-01-2023

Texted E yesterday for the first time in nearly a year. Don't know whether or not she's forgiven me for being a dickhead.

Have that project technically done, but it's a complete and utter mess.

Typing feels really good lately, I think keybr.com helped.

Don't have that really big thing done, and have no real excuse.

Did exercise last night before going to bed. I decided to push myself and do 100 squats, and when I did some press-ups afterwards, my legs were shaking completely uncontrollably. It was really weird, for that moment, having no control over that part of my body.

I think that the above post is the longest paragraph of text I've ever posted on this journal.

Upon further reflection, it might only be by a small margin, or maybe not even the longest.

I mistook the deadline of a project, rushed it, and now don't know how to make it any better. It's a piece of shit, and I can do much better, but I kept on getting a different finishing date from different people. All that happened was I continuously crammed.

Need to start on that short story idea.

I failed that. I definitely failed that.

I was going to apologise and then compliment her, but then she said "[redacted]" and them I realised she's just kind of [redacted]. However I still think she's somewhat [redacted].

I wonder if anyone has/is read(ing) this over my shoulder.

Someone jumped on top of me while I was doing press-ups during a fire drill.

Also the reason there are [redacted]s above is because she's sitting behind me at the minute, so they're there in case she looks over my shoulder.

about:config is great.

Hi. If anyone was to /msg me, I'm up for conversation.

I use my hair as a large fidget.

C is very, very nice.

My Irish is definitely good. Definitely.

22-01-2023

Haven't posted here for two days, and am feeling shit, so I'm just going to dump.

Have a project due tomorrow, 80% done, but I have no energy.

Was going to be somewhat productive this afternoon but ended up hanging out with friends. It was nice, but now I have limited time.

I have two different P's, both are shit for me, but I just need a fucking distraction.

Note: If I every say "Fuck me", I mean it in the non-sexual, insulting way, like "Fuck you".

20-01-2023

Tá mé buarha faoi stad an domhain.

K gives me the same vibes as D did. This worries me.

Still haven't finished my project.

I need to learn more about how to act in various social situations.

People saw me (eat pistachios) behind the shipping container today.

It's me, I am the problem it's me, deep down, my body agrees.

I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry.

You can put the weight of the world on my shoulders, and all I'll do is collapse.

I need a hug.

19-01-2023

I wonder when the last time Person read this was.

Of course, a discussion of dentistry.

I played chess.

18-01-2023

Getting back into learning High Valerian (I was going through a conlang phases at the time) on Duolingo.

Really happy how my typing speed is slowly going up. Need to practice more.

Was sitting on the floor of a bathroom earlier, nearly crying. I then had to go out, smile, and pretend everything was okay.

Fuck, my attention span is short.

Oh yeah, straight up lied to the councilor on Monday. Said I was "feeling better". Yeah right.

I'll mess around with QMK if I get this project done. I won't get to mess around with QMK.

17-01-2023

Got very little done yesterday evening.

Dramatically lost an argument because I:

Am shit at confrontation

Can't think under pressure

Was continuously interrupted by person

Those people who you think are nice before realising they're dipshits like everyone else.

Could I have some space to cry now?

Is it just me, or is there loads of people joining flounder lately?

I'm shit at:

(a) Life

(b) Remembering things

Didn't get to go for a run. :(

Sometimes I don't know if they're just speaking their mind, or if they're trying to be hurtful.

Need to learn to code.

Also, need to learn to cope.

Humor right there.

I have an extremely bad habit of editing this file, saving, then immediately writing something else.

16-01-2023

Ate a chili pepper with M and S yesterday. T'was very painful, I drank about half a liter of milk.

"Healthy eating".

I wonder what it would be like to have a chunk of flesh carved out of my neck. It would probably be painful, and I'd die soon after, but it might be interesting. Maybe with a heavy dose of painkillers.

Need to go to that forest.

I hope I'll always remember that. January 1st, 2023. Pillow fight (well, me with a cushion, them with a pillow). Happy in the moment.

Stood beside them again.

x had an y.

Looking into sway (the window manager).

13-01-2023

Thinking about writing a guide for being social on flounder. I might not be the best person to do that though.

Kristall looks awesome:

https://kristall.random-projects.net/

Went for a run.

Ha, person doesn't know all the shit that happened.

Flounder forums are still down.

Going to try to remember to figure out how to work with qmk tonight.

12-01-2023

I'm so fucked, going to be shouted at.

Talked to F today for the first time.

A called me into her office, wasn't to talk about what I thought is was about.

Wasn't shouted at.

Chess.

My stomach hurts, didn't eat enough earlier.

(stomach) Pain.

11-01-2023

Quite surprised to learn that Mellita is still in school.

Think I've lost hope.

Stomach is hurting, didn't have enough to eat. Should be able to get through it though, only a small bit of pain.

I wonder if I'm just fishing for sympathy.

Probably going to cry again tonight.

Not going to do anything productive this evening.

Should put Tor onto that browser.

I wonder should I send it to them all.

Xorg or wayland?

I have too much money, don't need nearly all of it.

Just want to curl up into a ball.

Need to keep working on the firmware for my keyboard.

"Emotional suppression, my coping mechanism"

I need to keep better track of how I eat.

On the above post about tor, I mean laptop. Sorry for the confusion.

All those people who I want to give comfort to but don't know how to.

10-01-2023

I didn't post yesterday??? This is extremely surprising.

Reminder, figure out recs for brolin on places to go.

Also, anyone know of good sci-fi books/book series?

Person is accusing me of looking at ____ in an inappropriate environment. I wasn't, it was a picture in an article related to genetics.

There's probably a keylogger on this, isn't there?

I probably should just suck it up and get on with my life.

This is going to be a repeat of History.

I've just had e-fucking-nough.

I took the red pill, and paid the price.

Thought about a knife yesterday, than ran a finger a long my arm.

It's weird how I have little idea of the age of most people on flounder.

One of my hands is blank, the other has loads of ink on it.

I need to have a proper debate with that person.

Reminder: end my life early. There's no point in me living too long.

I need a life.

I'm a stupid dipshit who doesn't even follow his own beliefs, has no willpower, and doesn't really deserve to live.

I really need a hug.

If my life doesn't mean anything, at least my death should mean something.

This blog is a bit like some physics equations. Most of it, if you have nothing to apply it too, is useless. But once you have something to use them for, most of it makes sense.

Legally obligated disclosure is causing me problems.

Why am I so tired?

I am a stupid dipshit.

Tagged for the first time. Put the url for this blog on a shipping container. No one is as lonely and strange as me to go there so I think it's safe.

23 posts today. Probably a record.

08-01-2023

Does anyone know how to set up a robots.txt file to refuse crawling? Turns out my journal has been crawled by the wayback machine.

(sing-song voice) I need to get my fucking shit together.

07-01-2023

I have stuff to do, but I don't want to do any of it. I have nothing to do.

I'm pretty sure I've just wasted away most of the day. Three and a half hours on my phone. Go me.

Went for a walk.

It's strange when you have people around you who love and/or care about you, but still feel alone.

Flounder forums seem to be down for some reason.

Need to get shit done, but know that I won't.

Practicing q on keybr.com and now my pinky feels weird.

06-01-2023

There's loads of things I could be doing, but I'm too tired. Or too lazy. Feels more like the later.

Every time I get a chance for a break, I never take a proper one.

Feel like just giving up.

Can't wait to sit beneath those trees. People far away, the wind above me. Peace, briefly.

I think there's a problem when I open up more to a random stranger on the internet than I do to a therapist.

I wonder what my problem is.

Am I as shallow as all of them?

Might write haiku.

Need to sell off my old keyboard.

I only notice how many people post regularly when I haven't posted for a while.

Doing stuff on the cloud compared to locally is really inefficient, energy-wise.

I think eating oatcakes curled up beside a shipping container is a bad sign.

Someone asked me why I was running.

Need to pull myself together.

Also, if I ever say I'm feeling knife blades running across my body, I mean only in my mind.

"You're going to have to work hard for the next _____" Fuck.

Turns out that keybr.com has the same link for every time you log in with email.

Need to set up sftp on that laptop, can then write my blog with vim.

Realised that I have twice now ended up dumping my emotions on people who already have enough of their plate. This is definitely not positive.

05-01-2023

Need a break.

Does anyone else have sentences that they type whenever there's bored? E.g:

This is the end for you my friend.

Day is going okay.

Going to go to the trees tomorrow.

I always feel great after shaving.

Feeling knife blades run over my body.

04-01-2023

Just put a load of shit onto 0-0. Sorry again.

Really need a hug. Please.

I have made a decision that I am now never going to edit past posts here. Even for spelling mistakes.

I'm staying up too late lately.

Person is not around tonight. :(

I wonder who hates me, apart from me.

Wondering if this blog is an emotional echo chamber. I think I posted something quite similar before.

I wonder how much different people would miss me.

Hate using spotify (because of the energy consumption of the cloud), but just can't make the switch.

I think I need a reset.

Going to step down from a position of responsibility for something that is unimportant, but I value, tomorrow. I just don't have the emotional availability/time to keep it up. There's other people who deserve it more or are more qualified anyway.

This blog is both random and unified by the common theme of my shitty mental health.

Was told I had "Greek god vibes" yesterday. I'll take that as a compliment.

Need to work out more.

Should really probably go to bed now, but won't.

Just realised that this time an hour ago I was play browser games.

31-12-2022

Just realised I went nearly ten days without posting. Sorry!

Have some shit built up so going to release it hear now.

Though I turned a corner the other day. Was back to my shitty self the next.

Pressed a knife blade against my skin a couple of times. Haven't sliced yet.

Turns out biting tiny chunks from the inside of you lips is extremely painful.

Person recommended that I work out as something to do. Felt great afterwards, first times in a few weeks.

Need to stop wallowing in self-pity.

A really kind friend got me the parts for a keyboard for Christmas (kyria from splitkb.com). 7 hours over two days and we had it done. Thanks again for everything. Just need to set up my keymap.

My screen time is an absolute shitshow 5+ plus hours a day, commonly above 6.

Might write a letter to them here.

Need a romantic life.

Should probably start writing longer-form posts on this doc, if not in totally different files.

Started to listen to lots of picture this (Irish boy band).

Turns out I'm going to sea them for the new years swim.

Need to figure out productive things to do at 1 in the morning (i.e. now) that aren't too noisy.

Started being critical of bot

[Note 18-05-2023: Turns out that the oldest of my entries got deleted (probably due to my stupidity). They were crawled a few days before the last undeleted one, so there are a couple days missing]

22-12-2022

Doing loads of typing, but I feel like I should local host some things. The cloud is bad.

Ended up running a knife blade along my arm both today and yesterday.

Ate in a restaurant that I got dumped in once.

Going to see relations tomorrow.

Need to get my raspberry pi back up and running. All I need is a new microhdmi to hdmi cable. It unfortunately looks like you can't do base Linux from scratch on it.

Apologies mean nothing.

The waste makes me sick. I make myself sick.

Good night.

20-12-2022

Technology always works, until it doesn't.

Is feeling (imaginary) knives slicing across the inside of your should blades a general anxiety thing? Person says so, but I'm not so sure.

They liked my gift. :)

Christianity. Its okay, but I don't like being part of its traditions.

I need to pull myself together.

I wonder what kind of person people on flounder think I am. Or maybe they know. Maybe people have though about what I look like. Artist's impressions please?

death.tar.gz

Cool CSS.

Need to re-thread my necklace.

Reminder: learn how to sew.

I just want someone to hold me and tell me (truthfully) everything's going to be okay.

Was told today that I have a nice jawline. I really don't think I do though. In general, my face is kind of shit.

Stabbed myself with a thorn today. The pain was (unfortunately) short-lived.

Need to get back to working out.

(in sing-song voice) I need to get my fucking shit together.

I wonder when the file size of this will get too big.

I probably have 100+ posts here at this point.

Need to record another message for people if I die. Also don't use weird AI shit to try and keep me around. Death is natural.

Going to go to bed now. Good night.

19-12-2022

The string on my necklace broke yesterday when I was taking it off before bed. :( Going to replace it this afternoon/evening.

Ended up texting them in the middle of the night yesterday morning.

Book club, but forgot the book.

I need to stop using the internet so much. Data centers are shit for the environment.

Need to do more Maths.

18-12-2022

Cleaning my room. Middle of the night here.

jewellery/necklace.gmi

16-12-2022

Worked out today for the first time in ages. I always feel great about my body during and after, and really should do it more.

Wonder what they'll think of the gifts.

Bedroom waffles.

Going ice skating later. Looking forward too it.

I wonder how much I self-censor on this.

That one thing you've told nobody, and probably won't any time soon.

Great to have flounder back to dark mode. Thanks again Warren.

Looking back over the year.

15-12-2022

New day, new laziness.

Looking forward to Christmas, going to see family members I haven't met for a while.

Need to learn a lesson.

Going to eat lunch alone again.

Looking forward to keyboard.

Going ice skating tomorrow, but unfortunately R can't come.

Turns out person hasn't read my blog in a while.

Played chess this morning. I played well enough, but could definitely improve.

This journal is extremely disjointed.

Person reading this over my shoulder.

I'd really like a romantic relationship, but its never going to happen. Well at least not any time soon.

They just read this.

I don't think that they scrolled far down enough to find the concerning shit, or maybe they did and don't care.

Still annoyed flounder is in some kind of light mode.

Can't wait for the break around Christmas.

Why can't I do it? Why can't I just get my shit together and do it?

I need to cry. I just fucking need to cry. I can't deal with this shit anymore. I can't pull my head together, I just can't do it.

17 posts today so far, excluding this one. Up 6 from yesterday, and 3 from two days ago. Reading back, the highest I can find is 19. Probably going to break that today.

Went for a walk with them during my lunch. It was really nice. I like to do it again some time.

Need to get rid of my fucking internal biases.

14-12-2022

I'm way too trusting. I kind of know that I shouldn't sent it, but I trusted them. Turns out they were going to send it on. I really don't know why I still trust them at this stage, but for some strange fucking reason I do.

r/UnsentLetters is kind of nice.

Procrastination is shit.

Turns out they were joking. Can't figure them the fuck out.

Fell to the Concorde Fallacy.

I'm a lazy dipshit.

Every one else. Everyone else before me.

The thought of the feeling of knives cutting my skin is interesting.

Need fucking emotional support, to get my shit together, and figure it all out.

It's all catching up on me.

Am I a fucking dipshit. Yes.

Want to cry, need to cry, can't cry because I have to interact with people soon.

13-12-2022

It feels strange, but also kind of comforting, realising how many different people read my journal.

Let S read this, was really nice.

Played Minecraft with friends over the weekend.

Tense.

Even with the bank holiday, I got nothing done over the weekend.

I work absolutely shit in unstructured environments.

Ordered keyboard yesterday.

One of Us is Lying (that capitalization looks strange) is a great show, but quite different from the books.

I'm fucked.

I need a complete and utter break from life.

I wonder if this journal was given to people I know would they be able to recognise it as mine.

Have two friends on flounder. I don't think anyone could guess who they are.

It's nice being a part of a community.

Feel like getting into gaming, but there are a few things stopping me including the hardware investment required, the ongoing cost, and that I still also should be giving more money to charity.

This blog is a lot less intellectual then I was expecting to me.

12-12-2022

I don't like being stuck in my head with me.

Realised how much I think about what to post here.

Scared of the thought that somewhere out there is something that I (a) don't know anything about, and (b) don't know that I don't anything about.

Need to get my shit together (I think this is something I've posted like three times already).

Hate myself for not being able to adapt.

I wonder if person still reads this.

I hate myself.

This blog is one thing that is a rock in my gushing river of a life.

I just can't make myself do anything.

Keep on accidentally pressing Ctrl + S to try to save this.

I am mentally exhausted.

Don't know if I really do have problems or am I a lazy privileged dipshit who has made up an excuse.

11-12-2022

Becoming a night owl.

Cleaning my room.

Not sure when I'll end up going to bed.

Being productive, but quite tired, going to do one last thing before going to bed.

Just going to go to bed. Goodnight to you all.

09-12-2022

My hands are frozen off of me.

Can't write and find it hard to type. Should warm up in a minute though.

Don't know whether to be productive or lazy when I have

free time.

Going to get a keyboard. Kyria from splitkb.com. Really hope it lasts.

08-12-2022

Magnus being shit at research for an hour straight.

Went to the library.

Therapist cancelled at the last minute (e.g. I was right outside). I was really really looking forward to it, really need to talk to someone.

Turns out they were able to make it.

07-12-2022

Need to put in some effort this afternoon.

That one person who you were a creep towards 8 months ago being really nice to you.

I'm shit at research.

I hate being out of the loop.

The amount I post could probably be considered spam at this point.

Feel like I should put an "if any of this has affected you" warning on the top of the page.

That one thing you can never do, due to both external, internal and many other reasons.

The hacker news url is weird.

I do things in an over-complicated way badly, rather than doing them in a simple way well.

Made plans, they've been disrupted, going to have to work really hard this evening but know I won't.

Sick of all this.

Fact: I can, really easily, be a dickhead.

Need to figure this shit out.

Those dreams that are both closer and further away then they are for other people.

My prioritisation is crap (mixing it up).

06-12-2022

Fact: I'm a lazy dipshit who deep down doesn't really care, and will never be able to pull his life together because he lost all mental strength to do anything.

Tracing the veins in my hands are forearms with red pen.

Gave away a spinny chair.

Short people trying to be tall.

Ate lunch alone.

Need to figure out how to pull my life together.

Such a close call, need to get my shit together.

Listening to girl in red while writing.

Completely forgot to do something pretty big (in terms of volume of work required), it's now nearly 10, and needs to be done for first thing tomorrow morning. Thought I'd manage to pull myself together after this afternoon.

Everything single one of my goals for life is going slowly down the drain.

I just can't pull together my life enough to do anything.

Need more help.

Realised that I compartmentalise everything: my family, my friends, my therapist, people I meet in passing, even myself. I have this Venn diagram of who knows what, how, when and how much.

The only person I really want to talk to doesn't want to talk to me.

I'm an inconsiderate dipshit.

Pouring every drop of emotion that I have out here.

Mental image: I stand in front of Lenister house, placard above my head. I put it down and reach inside my backpack, laying at my feet. I take out a knife. I make 2 clean cuts, one along each forearm. I put the knife away, and raise my arms, a symbol of defiance, worry, hope and protest. A garda comes over, asks am I okay. I just stand there. Tears running down my cheeks, and blood flowing down my arms.

Don't know what to do, except listen to music on my mp3 player and cry.

Goodnight.

05-12-2022

Feeling emotionally fragile.

I always feel great about myself when I'm topless and just wearing long trousers and my necklace.

Those things you associate with your parents.

This blog is a massive emotional sink for me.

Coasting.

Installed a dark reader extension, then uninstalled it, and now flounder is white?

Know it's from a while ago, but just going to preserve this here:

climate anxiety comes from a sense of disempowerment. I think we need to develop a sense of power in ourselves: personally and politically. climate anxiety also disempowers us. either it makes us feel terrified and paralyzed (unproductive), or because of the anxiety we feel, we avoid confronting or thinking about it, or we try and placate our anxiety with meaningless things like carbon offsets or recycling.

our society promotes climate anxiety because it is an ineffective response to crisis. instead, i would promote climate empowerment. this first means accepting that a lot of things are not in our control – things like the outcome of elections or specific policy actions, unless we are in those rooms. these are things that we cannot act upon, so we can safely ignore them. instead, we want to develop a form of consciousness, behavior, being, that actively resists capitalism’s destructive cycle of production and consumption. this involves looking into ourselves and understanding our lives – who am I? what am I capable of? what can I become capable of? these questions are different for each person, but once we answer them, we can then say – given the tools that I have, how can I act? I can’t answer this question, but there are infinitely many sites of resistance to climate change / capitalism. what sites do I have access to, and what role can I play? - aw, on forum.flounder.online

Thanks again.

Hacker news is cool.

That one USB stick you have with have with all your passwords in an unencrypted document.

Very probably going to cry later.

29-11-2022

Need to plant a tree.

Wrote a post detailing multiple aspects of my life and concerns in my .hidden folder. Forgot to save it though, and now it's lost to the sands of time.

Thinking about joining the tildeverse.

Accidentally found one of Alex's accounts.

Trying to breath some life into the forums.

28-11-2022

Went camping over the weekend. Enjoyable.

Have something I could have done a good bit of yesterday but didn't and need to do by Friday and barely have done.

"You think you're ready, but you got too much on your mind, and too much left too prove".

Vance Joy describing me up until recently.

Person says they could never hate me, then says they hated me. What the fuck?

I hate when all the information you can find on a topic is five or six years old, and all the modern stuff is not great.

Grateful.

25-11-2022

Just feeling kinda mentally shit.

Awesome worldbuilding:

//starmoth.space

Don't have enough time to do something properly unless I work really hard. Currently, I am unable to work hard at all.

Update: Still somewhat hate myself.

Realising how depressing this journal is when reading back on it.

I'm a lazy dipshit who will never get anywhere in life.

How the mighty have fallen. I used to be good at Maths, but now I can't do the basics.

24-11-2022

Going to see a therapist later. Looking forward to it but I'm also kind of nervous.

Enduring pain just to crack my knuckle.

Got E's number (turns out I was spelling his name wrong). Can't wait to start texting him. He's absolutely awesome.

Going to watch the Late Late Toy Show tomorrow. Family tradition.

The flounder forums died way too quickly.

//forum.flounder.online

I want to cry, everything's overwhelming, didn't end up going to the therapists.

Did end up.

The cut represents bigger things.

23-11-2022

Feeling really lazy. In that I am acting in a way that I think counts as lazy, and am hating myself for it.

Can't go out with friends because I'm behind on work. Hating myself for procrastinating now.

Probably going to cry later.

Hate establishing mental blocks for myself and then having to try to overcome them.

22-11-2022

Really happy to know for sure that someone on flounder has actually read my haiku.

Speaking of which, might write some more this afternoon or this evening.

"You're going to cry about it? I don't care" :(

One of the few people who asks a deep question, everyone else asking shallow ones.

21-11-2022

Realised last night that I am, and probably always will be in one way or another, that scared little kid who cried in his bed because of the climate crisis, sat with his mother writing haiku, and couldn't wait to get home from school on a Friday to play Minecraft, or watch "Stampy" on youtube.

Yeah, deep emotional shit.

Realised this while crying.

People being disrespectful to other person.

That mental image of those two red lines against the white of my shirt.

When you forget to do something really important, but don't care for some reason.

I care too much about the government and I really need a hug.

Don't know how to go about getting therapy.

Person told me to delete my blog. I won't though. It means too much to me.

Need to lose some weight.

A is awesome, spent lunch break with them.

Stressed with the amount of work I'm getting.

Going to be whipped at Uno again.

That one wall you consistently have an urge to run up, because your brain is spacial-visually obsessed.

Was attacked with marker pens.

Realised I've blogged quite a lot today.

20-11-2022

Feel like I need to cry. For various reasons including how much of a failure I am.

Also, got 83 wpm, 100% accuracy on Monkeytype the other day. Personal best, even if it was only for ten words.

18-11-2022

When someone brings you right to the edge, but doesn't jump with you. I don't blame them, but I just don't know if I have the strength.

That moment when paths split from each other, and the forest does not show when they'll meet again.

People jokingly asking for the other half of my necklace. Again, I'm too lonely for this shit.

Don't know what I'm going to end up doing this evening.

Reminder: Post a picture of some of my jewellery here (as in, on my blog).

Still have an ink dot on my wrist from 1 or 2 week ago.

It's interesting/cool being able to see the veins in my forearms, but I keep thinking about a knife would avoid them.

Will probably go climbing.

Might go to that swing in the forest over the weekend. I could go into town either.

Really want to build a split keyboard, but don't want to hurt the environment. Been lurking on r/ErgoMechKeyboards for the last little while.

17-11-2022

"I know the worlds on fire but there's beauty in the flames". NO, THERE'S NO BEAUTY IN THE DESTRUCTION OF THE WORLD! JUST GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER AND REALISE SOMEONE COULD DIE BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISHNESS!

That feeling of a tear rolling down the side of your face at 10 o'clock at night.

Realised the protection I feel when wearing headphones, particularly right before I go to bed.

Realised I accidentally gave myself a hickey.

16-11-2022

It's great when you're feeling horrible, and some one makes you the butt of a joke.

Don't know what to do with my life.

When you influence someone positively, but you're generally thinking negatively (smiles sadly).

15-11-2022

I shouldn't be so emotionally dependent on one person.

Will either do more stuff on my arch system, study, or go climbing for a third day in a row this evening.

I am not happy with the person I got for secret Santa.

Ate too little in the morning, then too much now. Feel shit, like my stomach is ingesting itself.

Was complimented on my running. I don't want compliments, I want help (in general not just with my running).

My stomach is a bit better, but it might just be that I'm getting use to the pain.

14-11-2022

I keep hugging things accidentally and realising I get emotional comfort from it.

I wonder when someone will ask me how I'm doing, but in a way that indicates that they're actually checking up on me.

Why the fuck do people have to be so loud?

Lost a friend today because he's a dipshit who doesn't believe climate change maters. We were drifting apart anyway.

Person called me a "buzzkill" when I was trying to be reasonable and help people out.

Need to try and stop think that if I stab/cut myself it will solve any of life's problems.

Didn't end up doing study. >:( I'm angry with myself.

Person was being kind of mean today.

Will probably eat lunch with other people tomorrow, instead of climate-denying friend. Don't want to hurt other people because of it, but just don't want to be around him.

Really hope that no one ever reads the URL of this blog over my shoulder, visits my blog and realises what my life is like. Unless their nice.

Going to do more running tomorrow.

Budgie DE looks cool and I'll get it for the arch machine soon (reminder: get wifi dongle drivers up and running on it as well).

11-11-2022

(a) Turns out they don't hate me

(b) We need a support group for people on flounder because most of them (including myself) seems to have life problems

Started hanging out with person's friend. Friend is cool.

8-11-2022

Stayed up too late configuring Arch.

I am going to do terribly (for me) on these tests.

Need to plant the garlic later.

Need to get better at spotting my own tiny mistakes.

7-11-2022

Sorry I haven't been posting lately, been trying to improve my state of mind by pressuring myself to do things less. However, that just leads to me feeling lazy. Really need to balance life.

When you think things are getting better but it turns out they're almost worse.

I wonder how common the thing of writing down song lyrics when you're upset is.

I always find it really hard to properly release negative emotions and it's just so pissy.

Going to upload a picture of my necklace later. Might put up a picture of the cool bracelet I got at comic con in August as well.

Some one asked whether "you're OK, you look really disheartened". Don't know if its that obvious, or they're just good at reading people.

2-11-2022

Really need to study and so am going to.

1-11-2022

Went to a party last night and:

Got a nosebleed

Met a cool friend of a friend who I will probably never meet again.

Enjoyed the evening

Realised that I'd still probably trust them with my life.

Going to play D&D today, still need to finish my character.

28-10-2022

Do you know those comments that you shouldn't find hurtful but you do?

They should have those "if any of this has affected you" warnings at the end of articles on climate change.

Anyone want to DDOS a couple of fossil fuel corporation websites?

Questioning how much of a dickhead I am.

Need to get back to studying, for some reason haven't been.

Wonder what the media's reaction (if they had any) to someone self-harming/committing suicide in front of Leinster House (the Irish parliament buildings) because of the climate crisis would be.

Need to sort my life out. Realised right after writing this I said the exact same thing yesterday.

I decided to put the last of my emotional energy of week into something, and am now exhausted.

27-10-2022

Find it funny when people don't think about the environment as a possible emotional trigger.

Need to sort my fucking life out.

What to do, the ultimate question.

Have a random 17 x 17 grid of hashes in a document.

Person, just let me know when/if you finally want to talk to me again.

I hate hot, loud, humid rooms full of people, some of whom aren't very loud, and the rest of whom are still somewhat being loud.

Room is now quieter, but still hot and humid.

26-10-2022

Writing love haiku is great until I realise I'm single and have no one to share them with.

25-10-2022

New day, more blogging.

Going to see a musical later that my friend is staring in. Looking forward to it.

Too much to do, not the right amount of time, will have to finish later.

Friend(sort of) is reading my journal and probably judging me quite harshly. This is the person who I have previously mentioned.

Really need a much, much better social life.

It's always great to have a small sense of self-loathing.

24-10-2022

Got better sleep than usual last night. Still wasn't great.

Same thing that I have said frequently before.

Feel like my typing is getting a little bit faster and more natural.

Turns out I shouldn't have been so stressed about writing about the plantations in the end.

Considering making a contact.gmi file, but not sure. Don't know if I want to make my email address public.

Deleted an old message that I recorded in case I died the other day. It was horribly outdated.

23-10-2022

Hugged a coconut as a joke today before realising several seconds later that I was actually gaining emotional comfort from it.

Found a decent enough looking mechanical keyboard on donedeal for €30 and am considering buying.

21-10-2022

Person still hates me.

Am vaguely confused.

Considering whether or not to go straight to an endgame split ergonomic keyboard. Would like to try to keep it to absolute maximum €100.

20-10-2022

It feels like monkeytype is giving me emotional support with the quotes that are appearing.

Would like to personally thank Alex for creating flounder, it is a simple little thing that brings great joy to my life.

19-10-2022

Asked person if they still hate me. "With a burning passion". It was in such a polite tone I am now really disturbed.

18-10-2022

Just, unless I'm mistaken (with my social awareness, maybe), pretty much conclusively learned that my crush doesn't like me. :) (sarcasm because I haven't figured out how to do emojis on flounder yet).

Got high on serotonin because I had an awesome conversation while doing a maths quiz.

Person still hates me.

17-10-2022

Tried to do something on the social down-low, but the person told their friends and now everybody knows.

Didn't have enough to eat for lunch, then decided to go for a run. Very smart.

13-10-2022kj

Feeling a bit better, did nothing Tuesday evening and yesterday.

Got really stressed over writing about the Plantations.

Gave my crush my number inside of an acorn, but don't know whether or not they found it inside.

11-10-2022

Learned that sleeping badly is connected with anxiety. In other news, woke up really tired, even though I didn't stay up that late.

Was put on the spot by a friend, said the wrong thing (which I didn't mean), and now they hate me.

Realised that I, (illogically) assumed that I would more people engaging with this blog.

I now really (italics needed) need a hug.

10-10-2022

Sorry I haven't been on my journal much, had to go camping with friends again and life in general is also making me tired.

A friend asked me, after reading my journal, "are you OK". I honestly don't know.

Trying to get a linode (cloud server provider) account with $100 credit without giving away personal details, but struggling to find a good free virtual phone number provider.

Ended up standing really close to my crush in a corridor.

Friend is pissed at me.

Person sat beside me, than a couple of seconds later physically moved away slightly. Did amazing things for my sense of self-worth.

06-10-2022

Hug? I don't know why but I'd really appreciate one right now.

05-10-2022

Think I might have pushed my relationship with someone too far yesterday. Want to apologise but don't know how to.

Think I might do an Irish language mirror of my journal.

04-10-2022

Got started with vim last night. Working with the command line only is amazing.

Don't know what to think about my mental state, after starting to post love poetry on my blog.

03-10-2022

Cause everybody hurts sometimes.

When I asked yet another acquaintance what to put on my blog, he just shrugged.

Saw a couple pretty much making out when I was rolling down hills during my lunch break.

Worried.

28-09-2022

Forgot to do something quite important, really don't know what's going to happen.

Feeling so unproductive and like I'll never achieve my goals. Also just really tired and sick of a lot of things.

Whenever I'm presented with a login screen, I now just try "admin" and "root" as username and password respectively. Don't know if this is a good or bad development.

26-09-2022

Need a hug, people are too loud.

25-09-2022

Went hiking again this weekend, not as tough as the last time.

22-09-2022

Raining too much, my hair is quite wet.

21-09-2022

Learning about Shakespeare.

20-09-2022

Having a serious conversation over text with a friend while people in the background are screaming and shouting.

Worried that I'm going to be alone forever with the way that my romantic life (or lack of one) is going.

19-09-2022

Went for a two day camp over the weekend with a 13km hike on Saturday. Bagged four summits.

Asked an acquaintance "what should I post on my blog". They said "I don't know".

Ate lunch alone under some very nice trees. 5 stars, would recommend.

15-09-2022

Friends attacking each other over tic-tac-toe. Always a great thing to see.

It has become too loud.

13-09-2022

Cried today because people don't understand the climate crisis and its scale and implications.

11-09-2022

I just can't seem to get bromite working on slitaz. It has a custom package manager (tazpkg) and I need to convert the .apk file into that, but tazpkg isn't able to convert it to a .tazpkg file. Really annoying.

10-09-2022

Putting music onto my mp3 player by downloading them off of invidious instances, converting them to mp3 with vlc media player, before finally putting them onto the sd card.

My friends gave me eyeliner and mascara and it is awesome.

04-09-2022

Conversation with people from different places/backgrounds is always nice.

03-09-2022

I'm not 100% sure if dumping all my haiku onto this blog was necessarly a good idea, but oh well.

Went for a walk in the rain this morning, after spending an hour and a half setting up an old mp3 player I found.

I hate how I so dearly want a romantic relationship so I can gain a strong emotional connection with someone, even though I know I could get the same thing from a platonic relationship.

31-08-2022

Trying to set up a slitaz bootable usb. It actually turns out there's a link to the gemini project on there by default.

https://slitaz.org

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much (not that anyone probably cares). I've just been trying to get some projects done.

27-08-2022

I find it funny how around the time I make a forth joke on a gemlog post, saying that Python is better, Alex starts posting about forth on his gemlog,saying how it's great.

25-08-2022

It's so beautiful..

https://nitter.net/songadaymann/status/1559983727488409601#r

Oh, and I found this too:

https://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/DeCSS/Gallery/decss-haiku.txt

My friends are making pitta bread pizza while I "tidy up". Can't wait to eat them (the pitta bread pizzas, I mean).

24-08-2022

Finally got around to my first gemlog post. Hopefully this is the start of something regular.

20-08-2022

Public transport is great for long distance journeys, but its a pain when there's too many people.