Warning: Discussion of suicidal intention.

Hi there. This is the blog post where I will wallow in self-pity, and outline some of the cause and effect of my mental health troubles.

It kind of all started in late October. I was really tired, and I felt like I had been working too hard. So, I decided I would just slightly drop the effort I put in, a voluntary slump, so it were. Lets just say it backfired. I kept on (and still do) feeling both really tired and hate myself for not doing enough. This is also the time when I put together all of the pieces of the climate crisis, and realised that I am killing and/or hurting people through my failure to act. So, guess what I did. I did nothing. Yep, I did nothing. I know, great, right? I had dreams of learning, dreams of trying. They've been left in the dust. Now all the dreams are of it ending. Dreams of being able to give up. I tried help, maybe I didn't try hard enough, but I stopped. Well, I lied and said that I had to be checked up on less, so yeah, I stopped. The thing is though, I don't want to be another coward. I don't want to be another person to kill themselves in their bedroom, and that be that. If I can't do anything with my life, at least I can do something with my death. Maybe in front of government buildings, that's my current thought. I'll do a couple of write-ups here, before cleaning personal stuff out, and just leaving climate stuff. I gotten to the point where I've somewhat forgotten about the people who care about me, because well, I think I'll save more people than I'll hurt. Ashes in wind. I've been trying a bit, but nothing's really happening. I'll probably not have the courage to go through with this, just to let you know. It's what's floating around my brain, a possibility. I just don't think I could live with the guilt of knowing that me living is hurting other people. Trying to live carbon neutral or negative is a dream, something that requires years of dedication. If these last few months have taught me anything, I don't have it in me. I'm like a government with reform programs. There's loads on, but not many are implemented, let alone work. I have stuff to do, but I'm writing this instead. To get it somewhere else, so it's not just in my head. Sorry to dump this on you, whoever you are. Good night.