The Precarious World

flaky with my choice, i guess

(This entry discusses suicide, self harm, eating disorders.)

My last entry, and the first on this iteration of my gemlog was all about stubbornness rather than hope. About the refusal to give up on the world even when all that is ahead seems bleak, because the horrors are unending but so is the love. I still believe that, but as usual, my stubbornness is wavering.

I've been starving and unmedicated, mostly due to my own shitty management of my own body and finances, and it's cemented the idea that on a personal level, I am not fit to continue the pretense that I am a functional adult. That I am deserving of life or help. I wanted to help myself, I wanted to learn how to be better, kinder, to everyone else, even to myself, but I can't.

I don't think there is a future where I am giving to the world instead of taking. I don't think there's a future where the joy of my relationships outweighs the pain of loss, projected or real, that my brain insists on carrying along as a signature baggage.

This is all so abstract... I can't feed myself because I don't have a job. I don't have a job because I can't leave my house. I can't leave my house because I hate my body. I hate my body because it's a reflection of my mistakes (years of self harm and mutilation, starvation and binge eating). It's also a source of gender dysphoria that I have no money to change. I can't even remember to take my meds most days because I am lost in a haze of avoidance because thinking about my life hurts too much. I have pushed all my friends away because I can't bear to compare our lives, because I can see myself losing them and I'd rather cause my own grief than lose them to life.

I think the world is beautiful. I think the world is suffering. I think my presence in the world does nothing to alleviate its suffering, and it does a lot to increase mine. I am a coward and that's what I'll die as and that's fine by me. I'm sorry for not being brave enough to cut all ties with everyone before I kill myself, to ease everyone's suffering, because I'm selfish and I don't want to die alone.

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