4.26.24 nooooooooooooooo i thought avoiding something would help me make it less awkward but i think instead it made me come off as rude nooooooooooooo

4.23.24 listened to some snippets of the new taylor swift album and couldn't help but feel like i would like them more if they were high violet era the national songs. is this sexism or is that album just better produced and vaguely thematically similar

ok i got 7.5 hours of sleep last night and it was still impossibly hard to get my ass outta bed. need to find some work projects that don't make me anxious so that my desire to stay in bed until we die loosens its grip a little. been noticing that it's easier for me to do things on weekends than it was previously, which i mostly attribute to wellbutrin. although i've adjusted to most of the strong good symptoms and don't feel them very much, i do still like it. makes me feel kind of a numb sadness when i think about how i'd spend my weekends w sam and how i really wanted to do stuff with him but often felt unable to leave his bed until i slept enough that i felt rested (elusive). feel sad that i "put him through" a worse version of me than the one i'm living right now. obviously that's a bad way to frame things but having a before wellbutrin/during b12 pit/sam period to compare things to is helpful to note progress. actually i don't think that's true and continuing to mark things in this way is actually probably holding me back from feeling the progress in real time

today i am going to be brave and respond to all my unseen instagram messages. none of them are going to be scary they are all going to be great

confused about the direction my [redacted] is going and unsure how i want to move forward. the last time i felt this way was i think in chicago and oklahoma before, and i never made good choices or even ones that i could stand by. i don't know that i've learned any new ways of acting in relation to this since

i want to buy two dresses but i have to pay two parking tickets for the same amount. waiting to pay the tickets just in case i "come into money".....need to pay them before late fees get added though

4.22.24 volunteered to work the late shift at the library today and tomorrow and i'm already tired. want to take a little nap in my office

committing to getting 7-8 hours of sleep from now on. need to reprioritize falling asleep early

yesterday a lyft driver asked for my number after i said i hadn't lived in sf for too long and he seemed normal but now he's texting me asking when i'm going to take him on a date. never my man

my brilliant friend #2 is pissing me off and making me feel so empty

4.21.24 nothing like a bbq to make a girl hate herself

putting on [tv show] so i can cry and it won’t be totally about me

4.19.24 academia is such a racket

4.18.24 talking about adult adhd in therapy tonight.....i am excited.....lol lmao lol

full body shakes tears starting when thinking about [redacted] unprompted

4.17.24 gotta remember that eating lunch w coworkers is good and encouraging

4.15.24 sad sam day

4.12.24 devastated after watching the beast

haven't felt this way about a current movie in so long!! it's so exciting to be so excited by a contemporary movie. i usually only have this reaction to older movies or recent-ish ones that i missed out on, so it's fun to have such a strong reaction to it. it's so cool when you're able to feel something usually reserved for things that slipped passed your cultural grasp!!

4.11.24 wellbutrin pro/con list:

pros

• have energy that is almost adderall-like in that i feel confident i will not nap/regularly miss work

• helps w depression a little, i think, probably because i'm awake and UP. i do feel happier in general

• feel more in control of my thoughts/what i'm saying, like my brain is working just enough better

cons

• my hands shake????? will this even out??? this one seems rly bad if not

• heartrate up a little, jittery feelings throughout the day

• anxiety is soooooooooo much worse. if all the other bad symptoms go away i can deal w this one but rn it's a lot on top of everything

going to give it to the end of may and then reevaluate

not writing about running into sam and his family

i miss (???) jury duty and actually really wish i'd been selected. i was a bitch on the initial intake survey because i wanted to disqualify myself from selection (i said a bunch of stuff about socialism and my dad being a lawyer because i wrongfully assumed it would be lame!!), but then once i got in the room it ofc rocked and i immediately regretted it. i made friends with a mom who wrote a graphic novel about her divorce and got to laugh at how people answered questions and talked about their lives and jobs. it was so interesting to hear how people describe their jobs and attitudes! a former cfo from telsa was there, a guy who self identified as a missionary (my read on this is that he's one of the guys who stands on the corner and yells about god but i'm not sure), a former anchor brewing employee (crowd did a collective 'awwww' when he said this), a private tutor who described her clients as 'the parents of future world leaders,' and a very fun but horrible tech guy who kept asking the judge to define his terms before he'd answer a question. a real who's who!!!

they obviously can't tell you any direct details of the case but from the types of questions they asked i'm pretty sure it's a murder trial for a man who killed a cop (either with a baseball bat or a knife) in order to protect his friend who lives in her car. they also asked a bunch of sexual assault questions so that might have played a part in it. everybody had such different ideas on what fight or flight means and it was fun to watch the lawyer talk the confident guys into admitting that actually yeah they can't say exactly how they'd react in a life threatening situation. hope the guy gets off, wish i had written down any of the names so i could look up how it resolves!!!!

laughing thinking about how the tech guy who was ultimately selected as a juror asked the judge to define the word reasonable like three times(i kind of loved it). and this other guy who was hung up on the idea that a baseball bat in a car is a weapon only if gloves and a ball aren't also in the car. this is the only time in history that i'll ever be like uh context does not matter buddy!! it is not illegal or immoral to own a baseball bat! it is actually a virtue to use it against a cop!!!

also had never thought about the fact that the defendant is literally innocent up until a guilty verdict is made. like you have to say you believe he's innocent up until the very end. idk i guess that's not a revolutionary discovery but it's interesting. relatedly i wish i had a good concise thing to say when people talk about inherent biases. i just feel like......idk......obviously biases are real and being aware of them is the least you can do, but a lot of this kind of stuff feels like excuses for white people to think about how complex they are. idk if that makes any sense

remembered when the judge asked a woman if she was an abolitionist and she said "i wouldn't go that far" and i waited for the crowd to boo. never did

incredible day for posters everywhere

https://x.com/BillShaikin/status/1778481855509246161

https://x.com/emmabaccellieri/status/1778488183337923041?s=46&t=6-Cvm75kECCExB9lLjL4Sw

my therapist sent me a podcast to listen to for our session today that i really connected with and had a lot to say about but it turned out she sent me the wrong episode

4.10.24 i want some bullshit from ikea

no longer desire the ikea bullshit

4.09.24 oh no lol i don't have my w2 from my current job...

4.08.24 jury duty again

one of the most immature things about me is that i will always pick at a pimple until i've made it ten times worse

my bad take is now i want to be on this jury and i regret saying i couldn’t be fair bc my daddy is a government lawyer in the initial survey. i was lying because i wanted to go home!!!

4.06.24 trying to nap but just laying on my couch saying not a soaking clock not a soaking clock over and over again

4.05.24 b12 doctor is putting me back on monthly (unclear how many, maybe just one but i hope not) shots but they're ones you self inject. emailed psychiatrist to see if i can go back up on wellbutrin after she lowered my dose. movement

4.04.24 today at work i'm filling out a values chart my therapist sent me last week

4.02.24 bad day for the labor group

4.01.24 decided im not gonna have body dysmorphia anymore and bought a really cute sun dress that fits everywhere except my boobs…..need to buy a bra that makes my boobs smaller…….summer of sun dresses off to a bad start

3.28.24 rettttttttttttaeajmpfaepppppppjkpefa

scott texted me a google drive link to both seasons of the vh1 show 'the pick up artist' from 2007 which inspired me to check in on my old favorite pick up artist's blog. he's still going strong! hats off to you pancakemouse.wordpress.com, your field reports are one of a kind

3.27.24 have to come back on the 8th to get questioned for selection noooooo

3.26.24 post office in belmont reminds me of the one in champaign

estimate to fix my car is around $3,000......looks like i'm not gonna get this fixed anytime soon lol

wtf i have jury duty tomorrow

3.25.24 ok..........

just tried to make my first purchase on the work credit card (been scared to do this) but i have the wrong billing info and the finance person is out for the next few days. there is always a lesson!!!

3.22.24 i'm so fucking sick of waking up every day in a panic about how much i want to text sam. i really fucked up!!! i am so angry

trying to decide how many months from now it'll be okay for me to text him and see if he's down to get coffee or something. 6??? 5??? he texted me ~10 days ago to stop texting him so maybe by???? august???? obviously i've dealt with breakups and regret before but this one is so different that it's really hard to let go of. and i know he's not agonizing over it in this way which adds a weird layer of self consciousness in me around our mutual friends...not that i'm talking about sam at all but i feel it in the air sometimes and it makes me feel so awkward and alone

need to find some levity

3.21.24 i don't really get 'is everyone mad at me' anxiety but i am really feelin it today. it does feel like everyone is mad at me, but that can't be true...

3.20.24 i love filling alex in on the kate middleton conspiracies, a topic he cares deeply about and requires updates on almost constantly

checking to see what type of plane my flight to and from boston is...it's boeing but it's not a 737....probably fine....

rupaul voice: if you're not following me on close friends instagram you're only getting half the story

3.19.24 i asked for help on an archives forum and everybody is being so helpful............i love the internet and i love my job (eh idk)

3.18.24 i gotta be less lonely wtf

3.16.24 drunkenly cut my bangs way too short last night..........

3.14.24 it's the worst feeling to realize that i wasn't in a good place while i was dating sam because of health stuff and that i was content to stay that way for ??? an undetermined amount of time. i needed us to break up for me to find the motivation to change, and now that i'm feeling better i'm so focused on how all these good feelings came at the expense of a relationship i really cared about. i feel glad that i'm making these changes - because they are things i've been wanting to work on - but they're also things sam wanted me to address, and now that i'm finally able to deal with it i can't share this version of me with the person i want to. i feel closer to the person i want to be in relationships (and how sam wanted me to be....) but i can't be in the one i want

ok i feel better

3.13.24 preparing to cofacilitate a presentation on labor history with someone who seems cool but i just googled him and strongly disagree with the argument of his master's thesis. sometimes you shouldn't google people!!! i'm sure he's fine

never mind googling things actually rocks. i just found a workshop that will really help me with collections care stuff at work by googling different environmental monitoring questions. sooooo nervous about this space i'm glad i'll finally get to tell someone about it lol

counting down the days until august. i know this is the wrong attitude. anyway happy birthday to flounder’s own alex wennerberg. glad we are friends!!

note to self: all the things she said might be a really good karaoke song

3.12.24 aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

had a really hard sad day but had a surprisingly nice night and am ending the day feeling alright

3.11.24 sam texted me to tell me not text him again.....i feel awful that i needed to push his boundaries this much in order to stop contacting him. it reminds me of how i acted after my first breakup in college which was....9....years.....ago.......i know i've grown since then but this feels bad. i set a reminder in my phone to text him in 5 months, maybe by then i won't want to text him but right now i want something to hold on to. anxious that even reaching out then will not be okay, which probably means i shouldn't do it, but i'm hopeful that in 5 months he'd be down to get coffee. we'll see

i think the office manager who i really like just came out to me as a republican! blessing and curse to have a pls ‘talk to me abt ur politics’ face

everyone i've talked to is being so nice to me about sam's message which is surprising because to me this feels like one of those things that could be indicative of some larger, more nefarious habit. it's comforting to hear that it's not great but okay

3.10.24 i miss sam so much

3.08.24 texting sam to apologize for emailing him too much....i should just let it go but it's embarrassing and i need to apologize. even though obviously the respectful move is to leave him alone. giving myself ten minutes to cry and then moving on

might become an ariana grande fan. just heard a song from her new album that i enjoyed

forcing myself to write a little about sam here. when we broke up i told him i wanted to get back together but that i needed this breakup in order to address some things in my life i wasn't happy with and it hurt that he said he (understandably) wasn't in a place of thinking about getting back together and instead needed time to mourn and grieve the relationship. i've sent him three very sad very whiney emails since we broke up and although i feel good i apologized, i also know that reaching out to apologize for reaching out is purely self serving and wrong. i hope we can find our way back to each other but for sam that's going to take time, and might never happen (probably?). i want to continue to hope that we will get back together without forcing it on him in the way i have been. need to just feel it and move forward

3.07.24 need to watch the departed before work trip to boston

need to put california plates on my car. need to find screwdriver

need need need need need. 'want' (vs need) to write more about feelings in this journal instead of just listing things i need to do!! but i do love a list

3.06.24 having a better day today i think

3.05.24 perfect days was so good. need to rewatch the american friend

have to change my plans tonight bc sam is going to trivia. I’m upset

3.04.24 really sad about sam today

really sad about sam today, still. trying to distract myself with work but it's not working

little tasks for march:

• don't miss a single day of work this month

• take car to aaa to get license plate

• get estimate for fixing car dents

• psych appt

• get b12 blood test before ~10th

• do tasks for movie night at office

• move prints in bedroom

• find less concentrated sublingual

• deep clean fridge

• laundry lol

3.01.24 had so much fun hanging with jen last night. every time we hang out it's such a good reminder of how good friends we are. hope they visit this summer

2.29.24 feeling that fake energy feeling from the new meds. it feels like i'm UP but not awake. i hate the artificial feelings from these kinds of drugs!! it's only day one so it'll even out, but i hate that i'm taking more brain meds just to get some energy. hopefully telling my doctor that i've been struggling enough to ask for psychiatric help will push her into giving me b12 shots. want to be kind and slow to my body instead of pumping it full of whatever this is just so i can make it to work. lol i sound very homeopathic. girl you're on prozac and birth control what's all this bullshit about 'taking it slow and feeling your body.' idk i'm trying to find a balance!!!!

just found out i got accepted to a digitization institute this summer!

2.28.24 adding more meds for anxiety and energy...mixed feelings about this but i think it's finally time i asked for help. could be temporary, or not, idk. going to try to take this slow and really feel it out. anxiety meds are such a racket

2.27.24 was just in my first car accident! it was my fault but no one was hurt and there didn't seem to be any damage. gave the guy expired insurance info because i was so flustered, just texted him the correct stuff but i probably seem pretty sketchy. hoping everyone continues to be ok and nothing comes of it. feeling anxious but relieved

2.26.24 not sick anymore, weird one day feverish sweat and i'm cured. been using all my breakup energy into rearranging my apt and it's almost where i want it to be, happy that at least i have a project

2.25.24 feeling sick today

2.23.24 putting a lot of time into buying things for my apartment lately. want to feel cozy. obsessed with finding the perfect magazine rack and found two good options but where would i put it in my apt. need to get my big books/magazines off the ground though

:,)

2.21.24 too much going on

2.18.24 hugely horrible weekend. i let this girl who i don't like absolutely rail into me at the western party last night and then held her hair back while she puked. really disappointed in myself for just taking it and letting her be so awful. have never liked her but always felt bad about it, at least now we don't have to ever interact again. go back to nyc where your shitty husband can keep making you feel like shit girl

relaying some of what she said to friends rn and they are absolutely shocked i let her be so horrible!! not sure why i didn't have a backbone in that moment, i guess partially because i've never cared about her but it would've been nice to take the moment

2.15.24 scheduled my smog test during therapy today oops...moved it to monday at noon. important flounder update

sad i don't really have close friends in sf. there are people i would like to be closer to but i don't know how to make that happen. i'm sad and lonely rn

2.14.24 is flounder running slowly for anyone else lately

OH SHIT i bet sam unfollowed me on instagram because i liked a bunch of photos the day care posted of his dog and wasn't thinking about how he'd probably get notifications for that oh no!!!

b12 appointment debrief:

• stressed the importance of creating a treatment plan based on symptoms rather than blood work/b12 levels since it is nearly impossible to know what 'accurate' levels are while going on and off oral supplements

• felt heard at this appointment, doctor shared some similar frustrations with her own doctors who were resistant to listen to her for her diabetes management (and yet)

• will still not put me back on shots for fear of getting my b12 levels too high

• i acknowledged that high b12 symptoms can be similar to those for low b12, but given my history i don't feel like it's warranted to assume my high levels are accurate

• apparently the sublingual i'm taking is 5 times the amount she recommends, this could be why my levels were so elevated from the last test

• most recent test results have not come in, recommended one more just to see

• will go off all forms of b12 for one week and test at the end of next week (half life of b12 is one week i guess)

• will buy a 1000 mcg sublingual and start this after blood test

• i expressed frustration with going on and off oral supplements for tests that are likely not accurate and three times said "it sucks to keep hoping my test levels are low just so i can go back on shots." doctor just kept saying "yeah i understand your frustration"

• if my blood results come back around 600 she will put me back on shots because while that is in the normal range she understands how much shots have helped me in the past and can function as a buffer

• if levels are higher i will stop taking oral vitamins and only use a 1000 mcg sublingual for fear of over flooding my system with b12 (not sure how i feel about this, will think it over)

• got bcp refilled

• scheduled appt for april 5 follow up

• will message her with thoughts when my most recent results come in

• happy she understood my perspective but unfortunately that does not correspond with her agreeing to my preferred treatment plan

• frustrated that doctors keep telling me i look better and seem like i have energy. do they want me to cry to them? i always put on a performative face during these kinds of things and maybe i'm doing myself a disservice but doctors should listen to the words patients use rather than their own analysis of how their patients appear to them

ate a burrito today and forgot to honor the flounder tradition of posting about burritos

one glass of wine is dangerous bc you don’t have the 'whoa whoa whoa i should think about what im doing' barrier up because you only had one glass of wine and that’s nothing but it’s actually still something and that can be so dangerous

2.13.24 sam unfollowed me on instagram and is busy on valentines day. kms truly

tone shift

when i text 'what's goin on' to people i always mean it in rock of love brett michael's voice. whatsaaa goinnn onnnnnn

genuinely do not know how people navigate getting new california license plates when they move here. the form online says it's for new state registration but it requires a current california license plate number on all the forms in order to request the new one. i'm so lucky i have aaa from my dad because it looks like aaa will do most of the process for/with you!! seems like an impossible hassle otherwise. ty aaa if you're reading this!!!

suddenly have a ton of pimples on my right boob that google tells me is from stress

2.12.24 talked with a coworker (not a nun) about the super bowl who expressed some sadness at sf not winning but was happy that "at least mahomes is a good christian boy who won"

reminder to get my car smog check this thursday at 4:30!!!!!!!!!!

2.11.24 miss sam so bad rn

2.09.24 am doing a really good job of showing up to work everyday and not taking a day off even when i feel like shit and i do want to be proud of that even though the bar is on the floor but.....i really need to work on getting here on time...baby steps though as long as i don't take a day off to lay in bed and feel bad it's still a win

i am really enjoying having a therapist who is in many ways very different from me. i think my mistake with my last one was trying to find someone i could project onto in unhelpful ways. it's cool to have a slightly intimidating therapist whose demeanor is different from mine because it forces me to really think about what i'm saying and what her responses are, instead of falling into the dynamic i contributed with my previous one, which was based on knowing she would understand and on some level agree with my actions even when they were harmful. that was obviously not a good therapy-client relationship but at the same time it was nice to establish trust in that way. eventually ofc it became limiting, but it really worked for a while. happy to be in a new dynamic though

all this positive therapy talk but she did genuinely recommend a book called polysecure to me........laura....cmon babe ("it's not just for poly people it's about examining attachment styles in relationships" ok then change the name???) (loving the 'it's good that i am different from my therapist' > my therapist does something i wouldn't do > ok roast her pipeline)

reading mb substack at work. her descriptions of her fights and feelings about her fights with her husband remind me of how fights with sam would go. when sam and i were still dating i would read these and view the comparison as a negative thing - because sometimes the way she describes her husband feels really bad - but now that we aren't together i'm seeing the commitment to working it out and staying together in her attitudes in a way i wish i had felt with sam during our similar moments. 2/6 specifically. going to be sosad when it ends next month!

splitting dream file up by year just so nothing is lost. idk why i care really. the only file i want to not get cut off is this one but seems like it's inevitable!

2.08.24 really angsty today. feel like sam doesn't miss me as much as i miss him and that's pathetic to think but it hurts just the same

2.07.24 i miss sam so much

doing so bad

2.06.24 :(

going to get a b12 test tomorrow morning ahead of schedule so i can go back on vitamins tomorrow night

2.05.24 face is still red from crying so much last night

can't decide if i should make a dating app profile or not. i want to get back together with sam but based on my emotional reaction to our fairly normal and civil conversation last night, i think i need something else to focus on. it would be good for me to continue to sit with and focus on myself, instead of distracting myself with dating app stuff, but maybe a distraction would be nice. making a profile feels like i'm giving up on sam ever loving me again, and i don't want to act in ways that are in any way putting that out into the universe. my takeaway from our conversation last night is that he will continue to need space from me for a while, and i need to figure out how i'm going to get myself through this time

ok little tasks for february:

• don't miss a single day of work this month

• replace more plants

• finish ca car registration/license plate request stuff

• get estimate for fixing car dents

• move shelf/hang posters

• get on a schedule with psychiatrist

• get b12 blood test before ~10th

• get b12/bcp questions answered

• jill project

breakup emotions got me eating a classic dinner....microwaved can of refried beans

2.04.23 ok

lashed out a bit at the party last night. i miss the way things used to be, except not really. i want to change things moving forward

a weird shipping thing happened w the art that was going to get delivered to sam's and now i don't think we'll meet up for me to receive it

ugh i'm extending this conversation too much. i feel like he might be more open to seeing me if i was less desperate (though actually probably not), but it's important for me to be upfront with my feelings to him, even though i don't think he cares much about me right now (fair but paintful)

my stomach hurts

ok yeah he definitely is not happy with this conversation

2.02.24 spending all week at work writing fake little documents that probably only i will read. i love writing workflows lmao idk why. setting up environmental monitoring and disaster response policies rn

2.01.24 alex the bug is happening again in my dream folder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @alex

wow tech response on flounder is so fast. ty alex!!! not a big deal but good to track somehow

things i do 'for my health' with little to no reasoning behind them:

• take a daily pre/pro/post biotic

• wait an hour after waking up to drink coffee

• thought this list would be longer

• someday i will add using a red light therapy mask to this list but i don't want to spend the money on that rn

My new therapist is incredible I feel so many emotions after therapy wow huge exhale

1.31.24 im back in the davinci chat i wanna kms!!!!! can you say kms on flounder!!!! it’s so sad to see her little daycare pickup texts but i don’t want to have to text sam again to remove me since it’s just the daycare people using the wrong chat. but i absolutely cannot keep seeing these!!!

oh ok he fixed it…..damn

a ukrainian priest gave a talk about russia today at work and it was wild. expected it to be anti communist but didn't expect the pivot to anti ceasefire in gaza because "since the fall of adam we can't rely on human nature anymore"

god damn i miss davinci so much

1.30.24 have my first stressful work meeting in 4 minutes...

it went OK not bad not great

catching up on MB entries in order to feel less anxious after the meeting. no way to talk about how much i love doing this, especially loved reading the jan 16th post. i feel so connected to her lol. she has been such a motivational presence for me at different points in my life and i'm so thankful she's ok and happy. i'm not sure if i sent it but i think i emailed her a probably incoherent message during covid lockdown...hope i didn't

inspired by her vulnerability.....trying to do some of that here but not sure how vulnerable to get...a safe but still vulnerable thing to share is that a long time ago my therapist told me to give myself a mantra to use when i feel anxious and i tried it for a while but nothing rang true. none of the 'i am safe and secure' things she recommended ever hit with me but i recently have been thinking about how 'i will not compare myself to others' and 'i am doing enough' would really help me........if only i thought i was actually doing enough....anyway vulnerability hour over, back to work

my friend told me she had a dream she had four butt cheeks...paired with my dream about peeing my pants in front of ariana grande...something is UP

1.29.24 im doing a better job at not missing work which is an improvement but im not totally there yet. i don’t really understand why it’s still so hard for me to go in because i do really like this job — it’s such a different situation from my old one and i need to let myself feel this. every day at stanford i would wake up with so much dread and anxiety about going in and for some reason it’s hard for me to let go of that, even though this new job is completely different. im doing much better but i wish i could let go of the fear! what’s a less intense way of saying that it feels like trauma flashbacks when i wake up every morning bc that’s kind of what i feel. i need to figure out a routine so i don’t get behind

everyone at work is asking me what my hat means...it means i haven't washed my hair cmon!!!!

oh my god i just found out a real housewife was tangentially the inspiration for the expensive print sam has in his bedroom........it is so insane that i will never get to tell him this!!! i hope i can one day

1.28.24 i miss sam so much

I don’t want to get my ears double pierced actually

1.27.24 having bodily reactions to anxiety for the first time in my life. this is awful, idk how people deal with this on a regular basis

lonely

1.26.24 think i'm going a second ear piercing next week

aidn is soooo cool shoutout flounder user aidn shoutout my friend

got a psychiatrist appt scheduled for feb!!

1.25.24 texted sam. had a sad conversation but thankful he responded. have to stop crying before my last meeting today. face is so red

1.24.24 no introspection today

before jan is over i must:

• install shelf thing

• mail letter saying i want a california license plate

• find a psychiatrist

• replace some plants

i love when people say d'tail or r'search. reminds me of my dad

omg the new librarian at the university here is a "lapsed catholic" who also doesn't know about the catholic history/convent stuff. this rocks. one of us(heathen)!!!

1.23.24 i want to text sam so badly, this is awful

one of the only things keeping me from texting sam is that in the email i sent him on january 8th i said i would wait to reach out to him until he contacted me first. however that reasoning is flimsy and i know it!

ok uhhhhh things to distract myself....need to email facilities manager at work today, need to email hopps guy i'm ignoring...need to email old archivist and get my questions for her ready....need to think about something happy....need to ?? idk

so close to texting sam :( not going to do it because he doesn't want me to :( but that really hurts

1.22.24 I don’t like lying and I just lied

1.21.24 worried

no covid >:)

1.19.24 i'm soooo annoyed i keep testing negative for covid but feel like garbage. i guess this is just a cold or something but i feel like total shit in a covid way. annoyed

1.18.24 worried i have covid. i've gotten it every january since 2022 and just hung out with someone who tested positive. my symptoms are mild rn but i definitely feel sick and my b12 toe pain is fully back - i thought it was back before but this is really what it feels like when it's back. i hope this doesn't fuck up my b12 too much but i think getting covid is what started this in the first place. i mean who knows but it's kind of shitty that i haven't been taking b12 vitamins lately because my doctor wanted to see what my levels are without them. gonna flood my system with b12 and see what happens. winter sucks

sad. miss sam

1.17.24 doing badly again. breakup is really hard

did a really good job at the nail salon just now (almost articulated exactly what i wanted). if it was like 3 cms shorter they would be perfect. becoming a nail girlie

1.15.24 sick and sad of defending sam's perspective of our relationship (or at least what my interpretation of it is) to friends because when i was actually in the relationship i didn't have this perspective and reacted more like how they are. i know i should've given him more trust in the relationship

1.14.24 lol I’m so sad

at least i am pretty confident my b12 is up because i can [redacted] again lol

1.12.24 watching godzilla minus one and its little head reminds me of davinci i want to cry

1.11.24 starting my first project at work!!!!!!!!!!!! gonna try to set up some environmental monitoring

going to a jewish talk about archives…hope it’s cool

damn this was lame

having a good therapist gives me so much more confidence. it feels genuinely exciting

keep thinking about davinci :(

i miss sam so much

1.10.24 feeling better today and more positive about things

1.09.24 new waxahatchee

might be learning that i can’t rly drink on weeknights or else it’s really hard for me to go to work. grumbling omw in today

my new doctor told me to stop taking all forms of b12 to see what my levels are without the elevation from the pills after my blood test came back really high. i pushed back a little because i don’t want my symptoms to get bad again but i ended up stopping anyway since i don’t have another plan. it’s been a week or so and my toe pain is back for the first time this morning so i decided to start taking the pills and sublingual again - determined to focus on symptom improvement rather than test levels i think. i feel like one of two things is happening: that there’s a delayed response with b12 absorption in the body and my levels are approaching normal but it takes a while for symptoms to improve/catch up to it, or that my b12 is basically fine and my low energy levels are because i need to be on different anxiety meds. i’ve always been curious about wellbutrin and adderall but scared of both ! either way i’m choosing to believe all the reddit people when they say that taking b12 pills falsely elevate your levels and show up in your test results in a way that doesn’t correlate with absorption. i don’t really understand how that’s possible but my test levels were really high so i guess that could be why. foot and finger pain have improved a lot prior to this morning so at least i know something is working. new doctor seems resistant to putting me back on a shot routine until she figures out what the problem is but i’m hoping that during my appointment next month i can explain all of this and get back on shots. never an easy answer with doctors but i’m trying

thinking about how over the holiday break sam said i couldn’t keep sleeping so much once we got back to sf and started work again so i guess my symptoms didn’t improve as much as i think they did :( it’s hard to tell. i want to believe my analysis of the situation but i also believe that sam knows how much sleeping is indicative of an unwell person. i don’t know

breakup purchases (so far):

• doordash

• doordash

• doordash

• doordash

• sephora haul

• doordash

• photograph thing from etsy

• doordash

• doordash

• purse in the shape of a basketball for some reason

• small ikea lamp

• doordash

• purple clock

• alamo drafthouse monthly pass

• bottle of wine

i have to stop w the doordash jfc

lowkey i think i'm gonna like my new job. weird new crazy kooky feeling ~~~

1.08.24 normally i'm interested in making a couple new years resolutions but i'm not ready for that level of introspection rn so i'm using an in/out list as a way to secretly get some out

2024 predictions

in

• dream journals/journaling

• goths

• seriousness in place of complacency or politeness

• phone games

• staying home

• getting your nails done

out

• complicated skincare routines

• napping

• weed/beer

• big group activities

• high intensity workouts

• real sugar

> No ignorance and also no extinction of it,

> and so forth until no old age and death

> and also no extinction of them.

damn

sad again

sent sam an email. i really cannot contact him again

1.07.24 avoiding journaling a bit. i miss sam and i miss davinci. moving on in some ways but ofc not others. that relationship made me insecure and i wish i had realized it sooner so i could've worked on it with him. i felt attacked by his way of trying to encourage and motivate me but i think i could've pushed past it if i had realized it sooner. sam's perspective is probably that the intersection of us as people didn't work together but i don't think that's quite right, i think i wasn't ready to push past a lot of my faults and wasn't open to acknowledging it. maybe those ways of viewing our relationship are similar but i don't think they're the same. it all feels outside of how we acted together and how i acted alone. i think we could've been happy if i had an outlet to talk about health and job stuff with someone that wasn't him. i expected him to play a lot of roles that put stress on him and stopped me from viewing him as someone who was on my team. glad i'm back in therapy. at least now i have this clarity and can begin to work on how i want to feel. it's really sad right now though

trying to journal about other things. had a really sweet time on friday with friends. excited about doing [redacted] in a safe and comfortable environment. glad to be spending more time with luke and leah. seeing a movie saturday was also really nice. agree with daniel about money stuff lol, at least everyone feels this way. hope to spend more time w these friends, feels like 'a crew' in a really secure way. also was very fun to see mike after the movie!!! i wish he had met sam, i think they would've become good friends. it's weird to recount the fun stuff that happened this weekend because i want to hold onto all the bad feelings about missing sam as a way to not forget or move on. keep thinking about how sam said we both need time to grief the relationship - wish we didn't have to do that. intentionally not writing about saturday night. sunday went on a walk and then did nothing but sleep and lay around. gonna read and go to bed

thankful to sam baba. we really are a hinge success story! went on a few dates and immediately became best friends. i love that guy

1.05.24 it's soooo nice to have a shorter commute to work finally. left my house at 8 am and sat down at my desk at 8:35. rocks

alex called doordash the depression app and he's right. breakup meals

was just talking to a sister about climate change and climate change deniers and she said "i just have to hope the power of love is stronger than the power of hate" :,)

cool thing i'm learning about myself is that when i'm at work i will drink whatever the amount of coffee that's in the cup i've chosen for the day. if i fill up my big thermos i'll drink it all but if i use a smaller dixie cup that'll be all i need that day. this could be a metaphor for.....something...but i don't need to know what. weird this only applies for coffee while i'm at work. no other liquid or place

1.04.24 jan goals:

• make job number 1 priority (NOT BLEAK)

• oil change

• get ca drivers license and plate

• clean apt every sunday

• donate clothes on yellow chair

• get on schedule with therapist

• find a psychiatrist

• schedule appt with b12 doc

• have fun????????

first therapy session went really well but she looked soooooo sad when i was talking about sam and i was worried she was gonna cry. hope this is just her empathetic face or something idk

1.03.24 met up with sam tonight to exchange stuff. i hope he believes in what i said. i don't think i can write about it. but i meant it

1.02.24 sad still sad still. using up my last wfh days but seems like everyone else is doing it today too so that's ok.

yessss daniel on flounder!!!

ah i'm still in sam's dog pickup/drop off group text :( i wonder if he noticed

1.01.24 i feel stupid about tonight

i am going to eat a big burrito and read a book and maybe cry a little but maybe not. hny bb

i feel ok about last night. whatever. "whatever" not inspiring much confidence but i feel stupid about other stuff, not last night (i think) (is that any better though)