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At the time of this writing, the Geminispace seems to be entirely devoid of The Penguins of Madagascar, which is a real shame. So I decided to create a page and collect some of their quotes. I'm going to re-watch the series and note down some. I'll probably go through the list later again, and handpick some of the better ones.
For my purposes, the TV show is the ultimate canon. The original Madagascar movie is also quote worthy, but I'm not gonna cover that for now. The Penguins of Madagascar Movie on the other hand is an abomination and is to be entirely ignored.
S: Love?
K: It's a chemical reaction in the brain. Inducing bliss. Highly addictive.
S: No more love in the smoothies. We gotta stay sharp. Concrete jungle is an illusive mistress who may call us into action at any given moment.
S: Kowalski, reason with him.
K: Ah, reason...
S: I find reason tedious and boring. We use force.
J: Here Morris. Just to show you that _I_ am the bigger lemur, not in actual pounds of course but in the other kind of biggerness, eat the banana.
J: A little to the left.
M: My left or your left?
J: Mine of course. I am king. The lefts are all mine, silly Mort.
S: Private. Whip me up one of them love smoothies. I need to unwind.
S: Hey! Those snack provisions are for authorized personnel only.
J: Do not worry. It is only I, King Julien, who is borrowing your delicious food for my stomach.
S: Gentlemen, we need a vacation. Vacation from that lemur.
P: We can visit a zoo. They have pandas and hippos and lovely house of reptiles.
S: Private. You do know that we _live_ in a zoo.
P: But we can visit a _different_ zoo!
S: Kowalski, calculate the furthest trip possible from our present location.
K: Climate?
S: Unspecified.
K: Elevation?
S: Unimportant.
K: Lemur population?
S: Zero point zero percent.
K: I've come up with two locations that fit our vacation parameters...
D: Denmark.
S: I can't set foot in Denmark.
P: Why not Skipper?
S: Well, that's private, Private. Between me and the Danes.
K: Very well, that leaves _one_ location...
D: The moon.
S: Gentlemen. We are going to the moon!
P: But Skipper, earth has some of my favorite things. Like cookies, and oxygen.
S: And brown paper packages, tied up with string.
M: Wow, a shooting star. I wish for a bird that can't fly away...and, I also wish the shooting star doesn't hit me!
S: Welcome to the moon, boys. Lemur population zip, zero, nada! Beautiful!
K: Skipper, this alien is oddly cat-like in structure.
S: A moon cat, eh?
M: You better use my teleportation machine to hide.
K: Teleportation? That's pure science-fiction.
M: Which is exactly why I had to hide it as a microwave oven. It's top-secret.
K: Camouflage? Well played!
S: So we didn't go lunar?
K: It seems I forgot to carry the two.
K: These readings are off the charts!
S: Well, get bigger charts. Take it out of petty cash.
J: Obviously this is a new ghost, since the old ghost was just eliminated by me, your king.
M: Isn't that kind of extreme?
S: No, two sticks of dynamite would be extreme. This will just let the specter know we mean business.
S: Skipper's log. Through mysterious means I've escaped a watery doom.
M: It wasn't mysterious, it was me.
S: Marlene please, the skipper's log is no place for flights of fancy.
K: I've come up with some options. Anybody wanna here them?
R: What's the matter with the guy in the funny hat?
S: I wish I knew Roger, I wish I knew.
J: I must be dreaming...Quick, pinch me. Now bite me. Now slap my face and spank my right buttock!
M: Hey, so what's up with the commotion?
S: Unknown. I'm gonna have to await my away team to report before declaring DEFCON red.
J: Fine. I was maybe, indirectly responsible, in a way that's not my fault, for the recalling of the annoying Mort dolls.
S: Kowalski, report.
K: It's dark.
S: I concur.
S: What kind of sick and twisted toy factory is this?
S: Alright, so why are we here?
K: Ah, the question that has vexed common man and philosopher alike...that's not what you're going for, is it?
S: You can't just reschedule scheduled maintenance that's been scheduled. Right on the schedule.
J: I shall call him Julien Junior, J.J. I will raise him to be just like me: handsome, brilliant, and most of all humble.
S: The only way you're getting this one is if you pry it from my cold, dead flippers.
J: Ugh, sounds gross...but doable!
S: Team up, with you?
J: I was thinking more like you do all of the work, and I will watch with anticipation.
J: What more can I, a devilishly handsome lemur king, do?
J: Oh, who is more elite than me? I shall play this flag capturing game. And when I say play, of course I mean win.
J: Are you a penguin, or a chicken? This calls for harsh mocking.
K: If by some statistically remote chance you do win, the rewards are respect and glory.
P: And a little swagger in your step.
J: These prizes are cheap. As your king I already own glory and respect, don't I? But not a TV!
S: Buck up man. We may have lost the battle...
P: And the telly!
S: But not the war.
J: When I win, this hi-fi will be my-fi!
S: Actions speak louder than words.
J: [Speaking into the megaphone] AND THIS SPEAKS LOUDER THAN ACTIONS!
[TV]: Did you pay too much for auto insurance?
J: It is very possible.
S: Lemur! One last game. All or nothing!
J: But I have the all, and you have the nothing. so...how does that work?
J: The flightless birds! they...they...
M: They're flying!
S: Well, that's five minutes of our lives we're not getting back.
K: Until I get my time machine fully functioning.
M: Wait, do you mean that Mort is exiled for eternity?
J: Forever or for eternity. I'm flexible.
M: You are a role model. You are a natural leader.
S: Well, guilty as charged.
J: What is a computer?
M: I like computers.
J: So you know?
M: No, but I don't have to know to like!
M: If you change your mind, you know where to find me.
J: Okay. But I don't change my mind. I have people for that.
S: Just as I feared. You've been brainwashed.
P: I've been brainwashed?
S: Yes, you've been brainwashed.
P: Brainwashed...
S: You don't want your brain washed.
P: I don't want my brain washed.
S: Hey, I'm as fun as the next guy!
M: Not if the next guy is that guy!
P: You're forgetting the Penguin credo. Never swim alone.
J: My head is naked, my head is nude, my head is crownless, dark is my mood!
S: Well, incredible size and brute strength...and magnificent aim...aren't everything.
M: Okay, okay. I failed. Everybody, I failed. There. I'm an "otter" failure.
J: I too am gasping in horror, but on the inside.
S: You gotta focus, Marlene. You just named four of the eight continents.
M: Er, there are only seven continents.
S: I count Atlantis. Trust me lemur, if you had my security clearance, you would too.
K: Which one do I save? Think Kowalski, think!
S: No, don't think man! Act!
K: Private's part of the team. Then again, Marlene has vital information. Of course, Private does owe me five dollars!
S: That's gonna be a bit of a problem. You see I don't know the meaning of the word "surrender."
K: [whispering] Surrender is a verb, Skipper. It means to give up or yield...ah, right!
J: I am eating my lychee nuts in one moment, and then boingo, I am here in the laps of luxury. Life is funny that way.
S: Listen up, lemur. Morris ate those bad nuts. He went off the deep end.
K: He's turned the lemur habitat into an armed fortress.
P: He's enslaved the entire zoo!
J: I cannot be believing my ears. Morris ate my lychee nuts!
S: Whistling! Awfully cheery for someone pushing a suspiciously human shaped sack, wouldn't you say?
P: I don't know Skipper, sometimes a good whistle makes me feel like a pretty little butterfly!
S: Take a look at our future boys. Phase two, robot animals.
K: It's classic cost cutting maneuver: replacement and elimination.
S: Dynamite! The classic time bomb bundle with the LED countdown delay. Maximum explodability, matched with maximum getawayability. Rico, you're a mad genius!
S: That dame is a riddle, wrapped in mystery, and dunked in nasty sauce.
S: So that's the game. Blowing us one by one with unregurgitatable time bombs. I'm horrified, and yet, impressed.
S: Not to worry men, there's more than one way to make a penguin puke his guts out.
P: Really? How many?
S: Seventeen. Just don't ever ask to see number twelve.
K: We could send a man inside to defuse it if we were yay tall!
S: Well how close are we to shrink ray technology?
K: Seven hundred years.
J: Morris, you are a lemon!
M: I think you can get into some big trouble for grand theft zoo-kart.
S: Our car is not baby-ish...
K: It's strategically...adorable!
S: We'll race tonight at twelve o'clock.
J: Make it midnight!
K: Cool cars go faster. That's a scientific fact.
S: Regurgitated. Just like mama used to make!
J: Eyes one me. Both eyes Morris, your lazy eye too.
M: I don't have a lazy eye.
J: No, it's okay, look I have one too!
J: Something smells fishy.
M: Yeah, I don't know about these guys.
J: No, I mean they stink of actual fish. Open a window!
J: First, obviously, we must get rid of that insane zookeeper, Alice.
S: Negatory! You'll just get more Alices in her place.
K: A lot more Alices.
S: Give us a number Kowalski.
K: Forty-two.
M: So you have a plan?
J: Better! I have confidence!
J: Finders, keepers!
S: Kowalski, legal analysis.
K: He's got you, Skipper. It's the Finders Keepers Treaty of 1859.
K: Thirty-four seconds until fish!
J: Excuse me. What in the name of me do you think you're doing?
K: Just a knock on the old monkey bus!
J: Everybody, new rule! One player on the ice at a time.
J: And that is why no one may touch the royal feet.
M: Ah, Sunday morning...
J: Sunday morning? Uh, uh, no! It is still Saturday night baby!
M: King Julien, you are truly inspiring.
J: Ugh, I know, it's from the dancing.
P: Skipper! Something's wrong with the sun!
S: He finally did it.
P: Who did what?
S: My mad dolphin nemesis, Doctor Blowhole. He blew up the sun!
M: Ridiculous, the king would never stoop so low.
J: Er, how low are we talking?
S: Gentlemen! If this had been an actual tennis ball machine uprising, we would have lost!
P: Sorry Skipper!
S: Don't be sorry, Private. Be alert!
K: Ah, Skipper, there's nothing to fear from a visit to the doctor.
P: Except his big short needle, and its slow burn of pain.
M: Give me banana!
J: Morris, do something!
M: Like give him a banana?
J: Don't be ridiculous.
M: Mort cuddle feet!
S: What you lemurs do with your feet is your own business Mort, but when you terrorize the whole zoo it becomes ours.
S: Kowalski, options!
K: Only one Skipper. Close your eyes so you don't see it coming.
M: I'm normal me again...and I like me!
M: It's gonna be perfect!
S: Too perfect. Can you be sure this new roommate isn't actually some sort of spy?
S: Remember boys. We may not be dealing with 115.38 otters at all. Might very well be one giant mutatant 1500 pound otter.
K: For the record, is this walrus spy mutated in any way?
R: Agent 12, calling Dr. Blowhole. I have a priority one coded alert. "Take me out to the ball game." Repeat. "Take me out to the ball game."
J: You did not tell me it is my birthday!
M: It's not your birthday.
J: Of course it is. Otherwise why would you have given me this ginormous present?
M: Yeah...we didn't get you a present.
...
J: Oh, I see. So you forgot my birthday!
S: Well, Ringtail, we are indeed working on a mocking-you scenario.
K: Operation "Mock Julien"!
S: But it's still in the lab. It's only at Mach 2. I'd like to get to Mach 8 before implementation.
J: I can teach you everything about being a lemur king. The bossing, the boasting, but mostly of all the boogying!
J: Of all the disappointments, this is the dissy-pointiest!
M: Maybe he's so good, you'll never ever see him again. Especially with the penguins.
J: No, Mort. I will never stop seeking my Lemmy. I will seek and seek...
M: Okay, but the penguins don't have him, all right?
J: Okay, that almost sounded suspicious to me.
S: And that is why you never send a lemur to do a penguin's job.
P: Keep the change.
D: It's all change!
P: You are correct.
J: Take note, Morris. Tonight, Chow mein is my main chow!
J: Take another note, Morris. Never am I eating Chow mein again.
P: Skipper, I hope you saved room for a fortune cookie.
S: Private, there's always room for a fortune cookie.
K: Fortunes are mere superstitions.
J: Yes, these "stitions" _are_ super!
J: A misfortune cookie. It is like a regular fortune cookie, except it is filled with hate, and bile, and sugar, and evil!
P: That doesn't sound good, except for the sugar part.
J: You need the sugar, or the bile would overwhelm the flavor.
J: Are you sure?
M: Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
J: And I'm pretty not. Oh, wait. I'm pretty. Very, very pretty. So pretty!
K: This cart is incapable of self-locomotion!
S: So the cart was pushed.
K: Precisely!
P: Skipper, look! Lemur fur!
S: Lemur fur, with a lot of hair products. This can only mean one thing!
S: Don't play dumb with me, ringtail!
J: Who says I'm playing?
K: We can replace Rico's brain with a wombat's!
S: How would that help?
K: I don't know, but I gotta do something with this.
J: Finally, it's the trampling by a thousand rhinos! Er, slight glitch though. We only have one rhino, so you have to do it a thousand times!
S: One of these days you're gonna learn that there's only one universal language...force!
K: And math!
S: Hmm, right, force...and math.
M: Music, also.
S: Force, math, and music, are really the only...
P: Laughter?
S: [Slaps Private]
R: Is this gonna hurt?
K: Just a little pinch, followed by the brief sensation of a thousand suns exploding in your skull.
S: Exactly. It's 100% foolproof.
K: More accurately, it is 2.7 percent foolproof. There's a 97.3 percent chance that this will backfire and result in a horrific abomination that would be an affront to the most elemental laws of the nature and the universe.
S: I like those odds.
S: Does it even matter? He or you now has his or your home back. Mission accomplished!
J: What good is anything if it is not very expensive?
S: Sugar dreams, and mind reading powers? How many winkies did you eat?
S: What's your diagnosis Kowalski?
K: Accute imaginosis of the frighty bone. Worst case I've ever seen.
S: Is there any cure?
K: Well, the sugar should wear off in less than five minutes.
S: [Slaps him.] That's five too many. Give me results man.
J: You see, Maurice? Where are the fight-for-free penguin-types now?
S: Maniac, can't you see we share the same enemy?
J: Joey don't share!
M: ...real quick, a snow cone is...?
K: 70.2 percent shaved ice, 15.6 percent flavored syrup, 14.2 percent paper, of which 8.7 percent is recycled.
S: Marlene, there's no reason to fear the outside world...
K: Other than random street crime.
P: And natural disasters.
K: Industrial accidents.
P: Badger attacks.
S: Are you two finished?
K: Falling space debris...er, all finished.
J: Help! I'm being king-napped!
J: Marlene is in love with me...which makes perfect sense really, I _am_ a catch...
S: Well, boys, looks like they finally tracked me down. Those Danes really know how to hold a grudge.
M: Do you know what those maniacs do to stray cats? Do you?
R: [shakes his head] Uh-uh.
M: Me neither.
S: How many enemy agents are we talking about? Because if there's more than a baker's dozen, we may need the jumbo brass knuckles...and knuckles.
S: Just one human? That's not combat, it's a play date!
X: Penguins. Nature's rule breakers. Birds are supposed to fly, but no, you gotta swim instead. You think you're above the laws of nature, punks?
S: Kowalski, options!
K: Strategic retreat, Skipper?
S: Explain!
K: It's like running away, but manlier!
K: Once you get to the sewers, find an alligator named Roger and give him this secret code phrase: help me, oh please, please, please, help me, for the sweat love of mother mercy, please help me escape the animal control officer who's chasing me. He'll know what it means.
M: Anything you say. My nine lives are in your hands.
K: Try to conserve oxygen, by shutting down any unnecessary brain functions.
A: X? Is that the name your mommy gave you?
X: Mother never told me my real name. Said it was classified.
X: Now turn over the stray cat, or face the full powers of Metropolitan Sub-bureau of Animal Control and Pretzel Cart Regulation.
K: Apparently the Rhodesian Slasher has a painfully intense, very elaborate, courtship ritual. But the good news is, most fatalities don't occur until the fifth week.
L: Is your friend alright?
M: He's a chimp of few words.
M: Hey, hey. They came here for _my_ advice, okay? Therefore, _my_ mission.
K: Ah, but use of the word "capture" automatically makes this a penguin operation.
K: Skipper, our intel shows there's one sure way to a female's heart. You start with a four inch incision...
P: I hear to win over a girl's heart is to sit on her egg through the long cold winter.
S: Marlene, don't bring your sappy emotions into this. This is love!
M: Egad! Penguin desperadoes! And they've got sticks!
L: Mason may not be tough, but I'm from Hoboken!
P: What's he doing?
M: He's going to...speak to her!
S: Biscuits and gravy! We didn't run a scenario for that!
S: So just talking...that works?
K: So that data would indicate!
S: Who knew!
S: Kowalski, give me some options for evening out these fierce tans.
K: I suggest a 180 degree horizontal axis rotation.
P: Emergency alpha, emergency alpha, emergency Alice!
S: That ain't gonna fly. No one can know where we are at all times. Not even us.
P: Skipper, how long would it take to saw through the bracelet?
S: Bracelet? I was just gonna saw off my foot, but maybe you're onto something there, Private.
J: If there's ever anything I could do..anything at all... [thump]
S: There's something we need you to do.
J: Howdy sky-spirit. I never thought you would sound like a testy penguin!
S: Listen up, ring-tail. You have one hour and twelve minutes to install that cooling device.
J: Is this including lunch, coffee break, and the royal siesta?
S: Kowalski is gonna walk you through it, step by step. So do exactly what he says.
J: I am royalty. I cannot be told exactly what to do!
S: We need to start acting like penguins.
P: But we only know the smile and wave routine. What else do penguins do?
S: I don't have the faintest.
S: If you open the lower casing, you should see seven different knobs: red, crimson, scarlet, brick, cardinal, ruby, and rose. Make absolutely certain that you twist only the scarlet knob, or it's bye-bye zoo!
S: Ah, closing time! Are there two sweeter words known to man or beast?
P: Puppy love?
R: Ka boom?
K: Plutonium-fueled-DNA-mutating-nature-abominating-monster maker!
S: Kowalski, strike this one from the Skipper's log!
K: That dolly could be anywhere in the 6000 miles of New York City's sewer system.
S: So? We'll have to split up!
S: What in the name of pickled schnauzers?
X: Got a call on 415-P. Disturbance. Penguins involved. Now how'd I'd know it'd be you punks?
X: You birds are a long way from the zoo. That's awfully unsafe, considering what time it is.
K: Seven thirty, maybe?
X: Payback time!
X: You think you can play me? You're penguins. You don't even have brains enough to fly!
X: Giving up, huh? That's why penguins are from Antarctica. Can't take the heat!
X: I loved that van!
K: Yes, we all loved the van! You think you're the only one hurting?
X: Delinquent penguins. In the name of the Metropolitan Sub-bureau of Animal Control and Pretzel Cart Regulation, you shall not pass.
S: Kowalski, tell me you've got a really sweet option.
K: Frontal approach cut-off. I suggest a brown river sneak-around.
S: Really? Interesting choice.
S: Sweet Dixy Dridles! How much are they paying this guy?
X: X to the dog-house. Prep a cage for four outlaw birdies.
A: You are a worthy adversary monsieur, but now I must bid you adieu.
S: You can keep your doo. You're not going anywhere.
B: Peanuts for the less fortunate? Sure!
J: They have less than me? And I'm barely scraping by. Morris, give to this penguin all of Mort's food!
K: It _does_ hurt! Intriguing!
F: That guy's a lousy, backstabbing, cheat! He's my best friend!
S: Blast! He duped us.
K: And we fell for it like a bunch of first-year hatchlings.
P: You are a dirty, dirty, liar! And your pants are on fire! And you jump up and touch a telephone wire. That's what a dirty liar you are!
S: Kowalski, hurt options!
K: The Balkan Towel Snap?
S: Possibly, go on.
K: The Spanish Wet Willy?
S: Intriguing.
K: The Croatian Purple Nurple?
S: Bingo!
P: Heroes don't charge for delivery!
S: Ah, hobby day! It's like taking your regular day and making it a Saturday!
P: But it _is_ Saturday, Skipper!
S: Hmm, it's working already!
J: Oh, cruel fate. I remember it like it was yesterday. Mostly because it _was_ yesterday.
J: But those baboons, they would not listen to sabotage...I mean...reason!
J: That is a wild accusation!
D: So, y'all saying you didn't do it?
J: Oh, no, I did it. I just think the accusation is wild!
D: Now I'm gonna say this slow, cos I can tell y'all got a bad case of the stupids.
J: Morris, how did she see the royal medical report?
J: Have I not made my policy on apologizing clear? It is for the week and wrong!
J: Something dangerous and painful has happened to the royal bouncy!
S: Not to worry. Penguins always have a plan.
J: This is no time for planning and reasonable-ness.
J: Yes, yes. Everybody likes the chaos and the mayhem. But we need orderly chaos and, nice mayhem!
P: It's okay, Mort. We're not going to hurt you.
S: Not true, Private. I did authorize lethal force.
J: Yes, praise me! For I am so much greater than any penguin could ever be!
K: You need to see the doctor.
S: Doctor? That needle sticking daemon? No, thank you!
K: Based on what I know about zombies, the safest place to hide is in a small, dark room with creepy lighting.
P: He's eating Rico's brain!
K: Rico's? I mean, did you even see this juicy, jumbo, genius tenderloin?
P: How would we do that?
K: Through a grueling series of increasingly painful tests to every part of Skipper's body!
P: But won't all that pain be...painful?
K: Not to a zombie!
K: Rico, see if you can shut off your conscience and sense of decency.
S: Who are you gonna believe? The two bit medicine man, or your own commanding officer?
S: What do you make of it?
K: I'm not sure, Skipper. It could be anything?
S: Really? Could it be Alaska?
K: No, it's probably not...
S: You're saying Alaska might be stuck upside down from the clock tower of my zoo?
K: I guess...
S: Because I think people would notice if the entire state of Alaska just packed up and moved to the zoo...
K: Alright, maybe it couldn't be _anything_...
S: Alright people, we have an unauthorized gray lump!
H: And I have question for you. Knock, knock!
S: Who's there?
H: I sting your face!
S: This mission requires harsh, decisive action.
M: Kisses and huggies?
M: Is this a waffle maker?
K: No, that's a fusion incinerator!
P: Is it dangerous?
K: Just a little incredibly so!
J: This is the worst honey I have ever licked.
M: Can I have some?
J: Of course not, you greedy. It is for the king!
J: Morris! This zoo is full with so many fantastical things. Did you know, for example, free gum under all the benches?!
M: It was an accident!
J: An accident you did on purpose!
J: You two willy-ninnies go and ruin the most precious symbol of my power.
M: Isn't that your crown?
J: A king can have many power symbols.
M: This is a lot less than half!
J: Well, of course it is smaller, Morris. There is only one of me and two of you!
M: That means we should have more and you should have less.
J: The king never has less. That's the law!
J: You're it.
J: No, you're it.
J: You're it, no touchbacks.
J: No, not, because I'm on base.
J: There's no base.
J: There is for king, the king is never it.
J: Okay, I can't argue with that logic.
S: There you go ringtail! Service with a psycho smile!
J: Mort and Morris have left me!
P: They left you?
J: Yes, right after I kicked them out!
J: Who needs Morris and Mort when my bestest friends have a yacht!
J: My booty senses nearby moving and grooving!
J: No one loves me...
S: No, that's not...
J: ...as much as _I_ love me!
S: Okay, yeah, that's true.
M: The king! He's, he's...
S: Stark, raving mad!
M: And crazy too!
B: Trust me lady, I'm not the hugging type. I'm the do-what-I-say-or-I'll-ruin-your-life type.
S: How long till Rico's back to normal.
K: Er, Rico normal, or normal normal?
J: I do not like this "telling other animals what to do." That is _my_ niche!
P: Skipper, isn't there a less violent solution?
S: Yeah, sure, probably. But I wanna see what this baby can do!
B: Oh, countess. Your tea is delicious.
B: Thank you Lady Dashwood. Would you care for another crumpet, or whatnot?
J: Ooh! Are you now going to pummel him until he's all squishy?
S: That's the idea!
J: Yes! I am King Julien, and I approve this plan.
P: How do you touch someone who is untouchable?
J: It is a riddle! Like what do you eat first, the chicken or the egg? I say the egg, cause they are breakfast foods.
M: That's not the way it goes!
J: So you think the chicken first, huh? It _does_ make a nice base for the eggs!
B: You know what? I never _have_ been hugged? Maybe this is just what I needed. Or, maybe I'm just a jerk who enjoys bullying other animals!
K: Shouldn't we finish the routine?
S: Always leave them wanting more!
J: Let's move to Plan H.
M: Don't you mean Plan B?
J: No, no. Plans B through G are much too ridiculously dangerous.
J: Now start pulling things out of other things, and putting them into new things. I'm sure it will work itself out.
M: If you're into the commando thing, being a girl doesn't change that.
S: Of course, not. It just means now I'm no good at it!
J: Save the king! The others are optional.
K: I knew I shouldn't have included the optional beak shiner!
K: But how could Alice have been so wrong about there being a girl penguin?
S: Ah, she's a mammal. Everyone knows they're all morons!
P: I think a wonderful way to begin is to say something positive.
M: I am positive that Phil is disgusting, inconsiderate, and selfish.
S: You've got commando skills?
M: Better! I have cleaning skills.
S: Well, you're wasting your time here. We run a sanitary operation.
P: Mason! Why?
M: Oh, you wouldn't understand. Nobody understands.
S: You can't bear not having someone to clean up after! So you made messes for yourself.
M: Oh! I stand corrected. You understand completely!
J: Er, this is a little lowbrow for the king.
P: They're behaving like animals.
S: Private, please! They're behaving like mammals. Let's not lump birds and reptiles in with this crowd.
S: Operation reduce, reuse, recycle!
S: Not bad, Private, but had that been a decoy elephant foot loaded with TNT, you and I wouldn't be having this conversation.
P: Is that often likely to happen, Skipper?
S: Well, why don't we ask Manfredi and Johnson? Oh, we can't, cos they fell for the old exploding elephant foot!
S: That's a tall order on short notice, my ginormous friend!
B: Let's just say an elephant never forgets.
S: Ooh! Dark and sinister sounding, with the classic pachyderm cliché! Big man, you play me like a fiddle!
S: We're always happy to help out a suspiciously vague cause!
S: I've lost too many good men on buttock inaccuracies!
K: Elephant payback! The trunk crusher, the peanut pelter, maybe even the dreaded two-cheeked squat and squish!
P: You have reached the animal control emergency hotline. If you know the type of animal trying to eat you, please say it now.
K: Elephant! El-e-phant! ELEPHANT!
P: You said, Everglades pygmy sunfish. First, step out of the bayou and onto dry land.
P: But Skipper, how do you steer an elephant?
K: Ah, the eternal riddle! Does one truly steer the elephant or does the elephant...
S: If Kowalski's invention works, think of all the defense applications.
M: Defense applications...of the Lovulator?
J: But I can see now I must step up my wooing!
M: Alright, we'll need flowers, candy, and...
J: No, no, no, Morris. The only way to win this competition is to eliminate the other competition!
M: Ah, alright! We'll need a sack, clubs, and rope...
J: Yes, Morris! Now you are thinking romantically.
M: You guys are fighting over me? Julien, I'm not some prize.
J: Yes, now that I look you over, especially from this unflattering angle, I have decided you are right. You are no prize.
S: Video? I like where your head is at, simian. Simple blackmail job!
K: Turns out they don't make giant space ladders.
J: CUT! That's director for shut up!
D: My car!
M: Hey, what's that unexpectedly cute penguin doing in central park?
M: Where did you guys get a treadmill?
S: That's...classified.
S: Let's just make it extra adorable today.
K: I have an idea, but I'm not sure how safe it is.
S: I like it already!
J: My peoples! Rejoice! Your king has arrived!
S: Ringtail, what are you doing here?
J: Kingly duties, you know, christen boats, abuse power, kiss babies.
J: By the powers invested in me, by me, I christen thee, King Julien Eye Eye. That's fancy talk for two.
J: I'm taking your TV if you don't make it back!
S: Skipper's log. The crew is nervous, edgy. Gripped by the icy fingers of fear. They may be planning a mutiny.
S: Skipper's log. The crew is performing spectacularly, and not at all like a bunch of nancy cats.
K: Kowalski's log. What? Too soon?
S: Mama duck, I pronounce this pond fearsome fish free!
K: If you need me, I'll be on the cutting edge of science!
S: I dunno Kowalski. Naming your scientific abomination is just asking for trouble.
K: Well, if he wasn't before, this scientist is mad now!
S: Rico! Prepare a New York welcome!
S: I think what you've lost is your mind.
B: Huh, I lost my bananas.
J: This is the second most disgusting thing I have ever done!
K: I don't need luck. I need my friends.
K: Science created this problem, science will solve it.
S: You know, science is a wonderful thing. It gives us toasters, and televisions, and artificial flavors.
R: Hmm...
S: But mad science, that just ends with dicey super weapons, and freakish creatures, and artificial flavors.
K: I guess I'm not the mad scientist type.
P: You're more of a...glad scientist!
S: Activate the talking missile defense shield.
S: Madam, I eat fright for breakfast.
K: With skeleton marshmallows!
K: I see we are much alike. I also have a taste for danger.
S: Served extra crispy.
K: With a side of mortal jeopardy.
S: Ooh, then perhaps fate meant for us to dine together.
K: Why, Skipper. You're as noble as you are handsome.
S: Guilty on both counts.
J: If you still have room for dessert, you can eat this dumpy one too. He would not mind!
K: I believe Private meant "strange" in oh-sweet-mercy-we-are-all-going-to-be-ripped-to-shreds-and-swallowed-into-a-churning-cauldron-of-digestive-juices sort of way.
S: We're gonna scale this skyscraper even if it takes us days to reach the summit.
P: Actually, I think the doors open in half an hour.
S: No time!
K: I can't watch!
J: Okay, then I will describe it for you in really boss sound effects!
B: You hear that? He don't want no part.
B: Good. It's cleaner that way.
M: Hey guys! I need your opinion. Which is more cover model? Pink or polka dots?
S: Marlene, you do know that Mort is missing?
M: Oh, my gosh! That is terrible...so pink?
S: Oh, definitely pink!
S: Kowalski, intelligence!
K: Substantially above average, but I don't like to brag.
K: Why do the bad guys always get the good stuff?!
B: YOU HAVE SEEN THE LAST OF DR. BLOWHOLE!
S: Good. Run!
B: Oh, you think...right...I mean...This is the last you will see of anything!
P: He's our arch enemy. Pure evil! With skin that's surprisingly pleasant to the touch.
S: Pinhead pencil pushers! They have no idea!
J: I could have a fancy spy car, that can shoot things out of the headlights. No, fog lights. They won't expect that!
B: I have unmasked your Achilles' heel Skipper. Your greatest vulnerability. Aside from flightlessness.
S: You fiend! You've cut off the Peanut Butter Winky supply lines!
B: What, no! But somebody write that down.
J: I have been king-napped. By ninja shell fish! This is outrageous. And a little embarrassing, quite frankly.
B: Look at you two. Obvious BFFs.
S: Kowalski, decode!
K: Buffalo firefighter, no! Baby fat flinger, no! Ah, best friends forever!
S: Glowing red eyes! That's almost never good!
D: My car!
B: Question. How did the prisoner escape?
J: Prisoner escaped? Is he dangerous?
B: No. And apparently he isn't very bright.
J: Oh, I know the type!
J: I am willing to overlook your fishiness.
B: A dolphin is not a fish! I am all mammal, I assure you.
J: If you say so, fishy face.
B: No, really. Why do you think I have this hole in my head.
J: Oh, yeah, I was trying not to stare at that.
J: Ooh! Your skin _is_ surprisingly pleasant to the touch!
B: Always make time to moisturize.
J: Hello, slap happy penguins!
J: And then the planet's water levels would rise, and rise, and then...jet skis for everybody!
C: They form a giant circle around the north pole. This can only be described as a hoop of heat!
C: This is Chuck Charles, and I cannot swim. Help!
B: You have foiled my plan for revenge. But for that, I will get revenge!
J: So I face danger and the adventure of a lifetime, and nobody will ever know about it?
S: Welcome to my world. That makes you an honorary penguin.
P: Isn't this a bit overly cautious?
S: Even better, it's full-blown paranoia!
S: There's no such thing as too paranoid, Private.
S: Put your paranoia cap on!
P: I don't think I have a paranoia cap, Skipper.
S: Well, there's your problem.
J: He's right. I _am_ secretly a potato.
J: There's not been a prison built, that can hold King Julien! Wait, wait, wait, you're locking that?
F: So you want me to pretend to be a squirrel?
P: You _are_ a squirrel.
F: Yeah, but I've never been a pretend one before!
S: Sweet enemy of the state! It's really him!
B: You ever had a six pound halibut shoved up your left nostril?
K: Not the left one, no!
S: So...it's a time machine?
K: Well, yes.
S: So why not call it a time machine?
K: Yeah, okay. And while we're at it, let's just call The Great Wall a fence, Mona Lisa a doodle, and Albert Einstein Mr. Smarty Pants?!
P: What's so suspicious about a penguin and his shoe box?
K: Nothing, except we don't wear shoes!
S: You're from the future! Tell me, does the Earth become a post-apocalyptic wasteland, terrorized by raving bands of irradiated mutants?
K: Eh, no!
S: Time travel! All you want is to slap a hippy, but all you get is multiple Kowalskis.
S: What's wrong with a penguin and his sack of laundry?
P: Well, nothing, except we don't wear clothes.
S: Well, yeah, cause they're dirty!
S: We'll need a large crate, 10 million Deutsch Marks, and a C-17 cargo jet on the runway in 15 minutes.
K: I might need 30 minutes on the jet.
S: Blast it, man! That could jeopardize the whole mission.
C: Citizens are warned to not approach any prehistoric killing machines they may encounter between 82nd and Canal St.
K: While your lobbing softballs, why not ask if I can design a self-replicating nanobot? Which I can, obviously.
K: Next stop, the gray bar hotel.
P: They're taking him to a hotel? Well, that will be a lovely home. Perhaps he'll find a mint on his pillow.
S: Not to worry, citizen. We'll return your vehicle in factory condition.
K: Oopsie!
S: Well, near factory condition.
K: Where's the reflecting mirror for satellite-based lasers? The titanium ground net for tunneling mole robots? The comprehensive antidote kit to counteract any mind-control gas sprayed by a villainous madman with a superblimp?
K: Apparently it's just a nut-shaped nut.
S: Sweet sky gravy! That bird's gonna drop one on the commissioner's suit!
C: Pigeons! Now there's an animal I have no use for. Filthy, disease mongers. But thanks for park regulation 758-p, my anti-pigeon initiative, we are actively chasing the little beggars out of our parks and public spaces.
K: It's all untested, but I'm 51.7% certain it won't erupt in a gaseous fireball the size of a dwarf sun.
P: That's slightly over half!
S: Well, those are odds we could most likely live with.
K: Some new facts have come to light. Like, did you know a petting zoo is not a sheep's natural habitat?
R: I had no idea!
S: I know a guy in Havana. He doesn't ask questions, and neither do I.
E: Who's pulling your strings, mother?
S: You are not ready, period, or possibly exclamation point. Kowalski, punctuation options!
K: I suggest the Spanish inverted.
P: Ah, yes. Penguin commando license. Very important. And I'm winking to indicate that!
S: Why are you all staring behind me, as if fixated on something I am heretofore oblivious to?
R: This key is the key to us finding it. Which makes it a key, like, both in the literal and metaphorical sense. How deep is that?!
K: The promise of mystery, adventure, hidden clues, action set pieces, red herrings, diabolical double-crosses, and a thrilling climax that ultimately bashes us all over the head with a lesson about the importance of non-material possessions.
J: This is real treasure, right? Not one of those "friendship is the greatest treasure of all" deals?
S: Pure of heart, eh? Well, that's classic, bordering on cliché!
S: Relax, Private! This is just the part of the adventure where we start to turn on each other.
S: Fortunately, we have a photographic memory.
P: We do?
S: Well, technically no. But we do have a photographic camera! Which is almost as convenient. Plus, it corrects for red eye!
J: This must be _my_ greed fantasy, now. I can hardly wait to see the depths of my own depravity.
K: High probability of globetrotting escapades, ruthless villains and ancient riches, all tied up nicely by the heartfelt realization that we had what we were looking for inside us all along.
S: Remember the rules of engagement, boys: we only use violence if absolutely necessary. Or if I say so.
S: For today's training, I thought we mix it up with a little treat from the land of the rising sun.
P: Oh, Long Island!
J: Oh, Maurice, entertaining the masses is so punishing. What with the burden of my ridiculous awesomeness and such things.
K: Odds are somewhere between posolutely and absotively!
J: Onward Maurice! We must find someone to protect us! Eh, and by "us", I mean "me", you know.
J: Maurice, you will be the like the famous David Crockett at the Alamo. I will be the guy nobody ever heard of, because he lived!
S: Marlene, I feel we owe you an apology.
M: Okay, go ahead!
S: We _owe_ you, which means you'll get it at some future date.
P: I guess nice guys really _do_ finish last.
S: Yup. That's just nature's way, young Private.
S: Kowalski, my alias portfolio!
P: Let's see. There's two bit hood Jack the Knife, international playbird Diego Garcia, wealthy industrialist Lincoln Douglas. I'm not seeing a Mr. Tux here, Skipper.
S: Perhaps it was the time I woke up in that Kyoto hotel room, on a bed of counterfeit Deutsch Marks.
A: Well, Mr Tux. Been a long time. Longer than a yeller snake in a bowl of red bean chilli.
A: Never say never, unless it's when you're saying never to say...never!
S: Well, Private. What an unexpected dimension this adds to your character.
P: Yeah, that's...
S: I don't like it! I like my men one-dimensional. Works better for me.
K: Sorry. Went down the wrong oesophagus.
A: Tell you what, you sure shattered my dreams. Like a big old china plate...of...dreams!
K: Sorry again. I thought he said mini golf!
P: No, that's right. Miniature golf.
S: With the windmills, and the neon colored balls? And the little pencil-y things?
S: You mean you're betting this nutball?
J: Technically, I'm losing everything to this nutball. But I can't let that distract me from my game.
M: Julien, he's hustling you.
J: Oh, really? Well, what makes you think so?
P: But what have you got left to bet?
J: Nothing that is too valuable. Only my loyalest subjects.
M: So you quit the game?
P: Yes. Forever.
K: Over an ice cream cone?
P: It was a double scoop!
S: Well, Private. As utterly ridiculous as that sounds to all of us, we're behind you one hundred percent.
A: I got a date with destiny, mister. You don't mess with destiny. Or Texas!
M: He's gonna blow up the zoo?!
M: Ooh, high stakes! Exciting!
J: So our two mini golf gladiators enter the final hole all tied up. Not like in ropes, but, you know, like in scores.
M: I can't watch. But I must peek!
A: I'm fancier than a peacock in a crow flock!
S: Tonight you go mano a mano with the most fearsome beast in the concrete jungle.
P: A badger?
S: Stay frosty, Private. The mystery beast can smell your fear. So can I. [sniffs] That _is_ fear, right?
S: It's a rite of passage, Private. If everybody survived, it would be a, uh, uh... Kowalski! Clever turn of phrase options!
K: A wrong of passage!
J: The only way to untangle is to work as a team. So everybody shut it, and I will be the team.
J: Somebody's working on his sourpuss grumpy grouch activity patch!
K: Private risked his own safety to free helpless captives from a demonic bus. That's plus 17 points.
S: They were all lemurs. Minus twenty.
P: You like cockroaches?
K: Who doesn't? A cockroach can live without a head for up to seven days. But I think we can beat those numbers. Who's up for some experimenting, huh?
S: What we have here is a good old-fashioned stakeout! Hours of mind numbing boredom, followed by a few precious moments of soul rending terror!
S: We had a date with destiny, but destiny broke our hearts.
K: Out of linguistic curiosity, what do you call your _actual_ brother?
B: Steve. Why?
S: Napoleon's buttons!
X: I smell something. Something I haven't smelled since...penguins!
X: Everyone thought I was crazy, blaming penguins. Oh, penguins are cute and cuddly. Oh, no, they're not! Oh, yes, they are! Oh, you don't know them the way I know them. They've got devious brains.
B: Let's think bro-actively!
X: Sometimes at night, I just lay awake thinking about...penguins!
P: Argh, penguins!
X: Amateur!
B: Sup, bromosapian!
P: And now, if you excuse me, it's time for the willies!
S: In the game of espionage, mind manipulation and wedgies are the last resort.
S: When there's a spy, there's a spy master.
J: Now for the next challenge. How do we get inside?
F: Uh, how about the thing that looks like a door? It might be a door.
S: This spy is wild. But we've got something he doesn't.
K: High tension wire, a girdle harness, and a grabby claw?
S: I was gonna say teamwork, but bring those other things too.
T: There never have been, nor will there ever be, any penguins in Madagascar.
S: That is a complete and total mystery. One we intend to thoroughly investigate.
M: Uh-hum, You guys did it, huh?
P: Request permission to hide in my bunk. Forever.
B: And this little cutie?
S: Becky, I've seen them in books.
B: And glossy magazines.
S: TV shows.
B: DVDs.
S: And TV shows on DVD. That is a penguin!
B: Is that what you think badgers do, Marlene? Badger?
M: And then they said when they're finished even my mother wouldn't recognize what was left.
S: Now, now, that won't happen.
K: Yes, your right foot is very distinctive. Your mother would surely recognize that... er... and... also we're going to help you!
S: Nice recovery, Kowalski!
S: Explosives would scatter the shredded files randomly. We need precision scattering.
J: This one makes a penguin. But why is he shaking hand with the sasquatch and the King of Sweden?
K: What in the name of Sherman's Girdle?
J: This was the most awesomest thing I've ever seen that wasn't me!
J: You are my Minister of Awesome!
K: It's classic anti-authoritarian rebel euphoria!
K: You asked Rico to expand your kingdom.
J: Yes, and?
K: Well, it appears he's doing it by leveling everything in his path!
J: Okay, maybe I was a little fuzzy in the details, but you know, I'm a big picture guy!
M: That's so funny, because it's _you_!
M: This ain't worth a two mango minimum.
K: Careful! You have no idea of the awesome power you now wield!
J: Of course I do. That's why I took it!
S: Kowalski, have you _ever_ invented anything that doesn't eventually threaten to destroy us all?
K: Er, let me think...er, no!
P: But Skipper, doesn't violence beget more violence?
S: Sure it does, Private. It's a win-win!
L: You're one of those penguins!
P: Those penguins?
L: Yes, the dangerously psychotic ones.
P: Look we haven't even properly met.
L: It's Leonard. Like to know your victims by name, do you?
L: This is "not hurting"? What's your idea of hurting? Wait, I don't wanna know.
P: Skipper, have we ever done anything goony to any koalas?
S: Koalas, koalas...nothing overt, why?
S: That koala is unauthorized personnel. Not to mention unconscious.
S: You do know about koalas, don't you, Private?
P: Beyond their fuzzy cuteness, no!
S: Me neither!
S: Kowalski, enlighten us.
K: Koala, a herbivorous nocturnal marsupial.
S: In Americano, please.
K: They eat nothing but leaves, the ladies carry their babies in pouches, and they sleep all day.
K: Oh, a hippie.
L: You call this helping? What's your idea of "not helping"?
S: You don't want to know!
L: You're helping is not helpful, so don't help!
S: We don't take orders, we give orders!
K: Yes, that is the traditional rescuer/rescuee relationship.
K: What would Leonardo da Vinci do?
P: Paint a haunting portrait of a woman smiling enigmatically?
S: Couldn't hurt I guess!
S: You know, Rico, there _is_ such a thing as too much dynamite.
S: Not that kind of boa, ring-tail.
K: Member of the genus "constrictus realtighten eatus".
M: Hey, hey, I'm sure _some_ boas are mean in the wild, but this is the zoo guys, you know, we're neighbors!
P: Right. And neighbors don't eat neighbors!
M: I do! If my neighbor is a mango!
S: Let's not jump to conclusions until we rule out all other possibilities. Or find a body.
S: Ah, the neighbors. I was hoping to get a chance to eat you.
S: What did he say?
S: I mean, meet you. Slip of the tongue.
S: How rude. I am Savio, and you are?
S: Suspicious.
S: My, my, my. Someone looks...plump.
S: As do you. But do I make wild accusations? No! I find that distasteful.
P: Why do I always have to be the bait, Skipper?
S: Because you're gullible _and_ expendable. That's a twofer!
S: What will you accuse me of now? Eating a penguin in a monkey suit?
J: Huh, that's a pretty good guess there!
P: I suppose some books _can_ be judged by their cover after all.
M: When the cover is snake skin!
S: What's your name soldier?
P: Private.
S: What's your rank?
P: Private.
S: What's your secret hidden shame?
P: Private!
S: One careless wish could lead to horrific disasters.
K: Like?
S: Like, I don't know, tidal waves, earthquakes, or exposing our entire operation to the world!
J: I want a new boomy box, a secret admirer, silky pajamas, a straw hat, so I can play hilly billy, a coffee mug that says World's Greatest King, and...a new Morris!
A: I knew those penguins were up to something.
S: We've been compromised men. Maneuver, delta-tango-victor.
[They're caught.]
S: Blast! should have gone with delta-tango-foxtrot.
A: I always knew something was off about those penguins.
C: The penguins will be taken to a government lab where they will be studied and painfully dissected. That means cut into!
S: You _had_ to try the turbo setting?
K: You know I can't resist overkill!
J: Why did you eat my fudgy pops?
M: April fools?
M: It's August, Mort, April Fools ain't gonna fly.
M: You never heard of April Fools?
J: Well, have you ever heard of, er, January Jacks?
S: Ringtail! It's not April first.
J: Silly penguins, it's always April first _somewhere_!
S: You have no idea how a calendar works, do you?
J: Oh, please, Roy. It's April Fools. I have diplomatic immunity.
J: Er, Morris, I know this is hard for you because of your bounteous bottom, but lighten up dude!
J: But who would do such a thing to someone as beloved as me?
J: Just as an aside, I'm all done with the pranks. Unless, of course, it's really hilarious!
S: Well Ring-tail, I hope you've learned your lesson.
J: Yes, I've learned that you will rescue me no matter how jerky I am to you!
P: That's not the lesson!
J: Really? Thought I had it.
S: What in the name of incense and peppermints?
K: It violates all laws of nature and injected molded plastic!
P: Friends? Oh, no! That's girl code for I never want to see you again!
J: Quiet, Morris. I'm wooing the smoothie!
S: Kowalski, your inventions have been a parade of disasters. Jeopardizing us, the zoo, and Manhattan itself.
P: And the outlying borrows!
P: Kowalski, are you...envelope pushing?
K: I could ask you the same thing!
P: Why not call it an invisibility ray?
K: Someone already took the domain. Again the Internet has vexed me!
P: What are we going to tell Skipper?
K: You mean until I think of something that's plausible but not the truth?
K: You can't! That might destroy the trans...
S: ...portation system as we know it? Nah, it's just one bus!
B: Yo, you giving me the business?
B: Absolutely I'm not giving you the business!
B: Somebody's giving me the business!
B: Well, it ain't me gabagool!
B: Well then, who's giving me the business?
S: Men, I won't lie to you. The odds that we all pull through this are less than a white christmas in Tallahassee.
S: My mother's maiden name was catastrophe and/or baby!
K: Human spawn usually derive happiness from fun toys!
S: Let's go a little less lethal, and more baby friendly, like nunchucks or brass knuckles.
K: Stroller at two o'clock. At a construction site! Well, that's a tad predictable!
S: You know how I feel about random falling objects!
K: Yeah, I'll miss Frank!
S: Okay, the kid wins. Now on the bright side, he can't talk. So no one will ever know.
K: But that's impossible!
S: It's worse than that. It's unauthorized!
S: Okay, listen up soldier. I _order_ you to be reassured by my words. Now on my mark, feel safe. Mark!
-- Response ended
-- Page fetched on Sun May 12 06:36:07 2024