2/16/2022

12:33AM

27°F partly cloudy 🌥

i have many places to write, blog, glog in but i fear i wear myself too thin and end up not journaling at all :< anyways! gemini is my current safe space away from all perceived eyes U_U''' i hate to be such a downer, but im struggling h a r d right now. depression is just kicking my ass. coupled with a big stinkin' imposter syndrome RN. my therapy lamp just came in the mail today, so i'm hoping it will help me tide thru the rest of the winter. been having a hard time focusing, or really wanting to engage with anything socially. i feel bad about ignoring all my DMs. i quit my job last month and was ready to plunge myself into freelancing, then i got covid, then trying to do much of anything was impossible. even after ive since recovered, i keep procrastinating on this one commission. ive had much more free time now and have been beating myself up for not being able to finish this up sooner (its a music video and animating takes a long time, okay......). i *just* messaged the client after 6 weeks of radio silence, and a part of me is upset that i havent done this much sooner. or the fact that its month 2 of unemployment and i havent....like....made really any steps finding employment other than a casual look over the latest listings. i dont necessarily desire to go back to work immediately just to land myself in the same position i was just in, having chronic burn out, mental fatigue, being close to a breakdown, being high all the time just to get thru the day and prefering to be hit by a car than go to another day at that job.

i *know* that you should be more gentle on yourself, to give yourself some time to recover, and that what you produce =/= your value, and YET i still engage in these negative spirals of not feeling good about myself unless im working. and even when i was working i hated it! i still don't regret leaving my job, because it was truly a toxic place. a month later my old co-worker mentioned that the person who replaced me kind of went AWOL to the other side of the country and they might possibly call me to take me back. LOL - fat chance. in fact i just muted my replacement + old manager, cause even now they were still texting me. i *know* i said to my replacement id be available for help, but when it's about things like.....where i bought a mop, i don't really feel bad for leaving her on read when she is being paid 10k+ more than what i was. not to mention the anixety attack those texts give me, as if i still couldnt escape my job even after i quit. X_X

to circle back on the imposter syndrome - i'm on that 9th level of hell where i convince myself i dont have mental health issues and the things that happen when u r depressed are actually just how I actually am, a lazy POS. wait no, but normal ppl dont have therapists or get recommended anti-depression meds. X_X oof.

i'm also on that level of hell where i convince myself my art isnt that good and this commission needs to be PERFECT and being frustrated it isnt like, the next best piece of media. (i have to remind myself its just a job like any other and im def not being compensated for all this extra time im putting into it). the other part of me is like, well once i finish this what excuse do i have for not looking for a job asap? i wanted to try freelancing more but i think i have to scale down my expectations and perhaps start small - like offering customized 3d avatars...... i could model ontop of the base bodies ive made and it wouldnt take me like, months to do. AHHH

i try to give myself somewhat a routine and i find that helps, trouble is i don't usually stick to it. wake up, take my vitamins, make coffee, and then try to start my self-imposed work day. every day is a new day! yet by noon i am distracted, decide to work on my websites, then struggle to pry myself to work. i *wish* i could use my time better, but i spread myself thin with projects and ideas i can never finish. and when it comes to things i should or need to do, they fall by the wayside. i noticed today, after deciding to take a break from my d8 gummies, i just couldnt be bothered to make anything to eat. i would go to the kitchen, look around, not feel like cooking nor have a big appetite, so i go back into my room. i ate 2 bananas, 2 english muffins, and a bag of popcorn. my boyfriend called me lazy for not cooking and i cried. i tried to explain its the depression, but how many times can i use that excuse? i really just did not have the appetite nor motivation. i thought about asking him to cook me something earlier today, but then decided to not bother him about it. i feel pretty awful about crying all the time, but i can;t stop my eyes.

i keep thinking about death. my cat, grandma, and mother are all not doing so well. im still struggling with the death of my best friend years ago. i keep bracing myself for the worst about to come suddenly, well, because thats what happened to my best friend. within months she received a cancer diagnosis and passed away. i haven't really been the same. my cat has a bad tooth infection and despite the multiple vet visits it's still there. she wont eat and her next appointment is at the end of the month. my mom's heart condition has only gotten worse after last month's covid fiasco. part of me is very upset she is so anti-vax because, if she got it would she have done much better now? i'm too afraid to even talk to her because i don't want her condition to get worse. that guilt eats up at me too, i can't even bring myself to do it. i do that thing where i think everyone really hates me so i avoid them. i *know* thats a super narcissistic way of looking at things (not everyone is thinking about me all the time afterall) but the self hatred runs deep. to put it full circle: i stay with my parents and the thought that im a burden to them because im not out there working is uhh. Very Present. my therapist gives me things to do and look into throughout the week, but i keep putting it aside. i don't know why i do the things i do and it's putting a strain on like my only relationship. my other close friend is in another continent and time zones and also our response times are very sparse.

anyways, let me end it here before i end up in that same negative thought spiral. X_X

xoxo

m

(;_;)