04232024. hey flounder

i have a surprise visitor tonight! [dear friend] is stopping by on his way to [shared college town, his current home] from [shared hometown]

this was the best text to receive today. i do not see nearly enough of this person

but first

27 more minutes at the library

today i did a passport application for a person with an extremely biblical name

this morning wiki the cat knocked over both of my guitars. no damage to wiki or the guitars. but it was loud and concerning and i hope she doesn't do it again. wiki why?

04212024. hey flounder

april is going by so fast wee

at work til 5 then going to the chinese grocer then taking a walk around the lake then cooking then reading. laundry needs to happen somewhere. i return to [hometown] briefly at the end of this week to see the nematodes and the progenitors!!!!!

04172024. hello flounder

long day

talked to an unhinged person on the phone for a while today, i talk to her a couple times a month, she likes to say things like "you sound like you're having a bad day." today she asked me a lot of questions and i am almost certain she will use none of the information that i gave her, she was just spiraling. after asking her last question she kept saying "i just want to help people" which doesn't really make sense if i don't describe the entire conversation, but what you need to know is she is not helping people, lol, but if talking to me makes her feel like she did, then ok. i am noticing that my empathy feels most of the time like a boundless resource except for when i'm interacting with an older white woman who thinks she is helping people. then it feels extremely extremely limited and i have to ration it through the whole interaction. maybe it's not empathy maybe it's patience

04162024. hey flounder

happy world voice today. i wish ease in phonation to all, forever

g chat received from coworker just now: "i love maj 7 chords" he is teaching himself guitar. we have all been there, discovering maj 7 chords

having an ok day because i keep telling myself, don't do what you want to do, do what you should do, and then things seem pretty simple. lol. there's not even always a difference between the two, it's just easier to identify the action when i think in terms of "should"

i thought i made a friend last week but i don't think i did. farewell erika

[coworker] is getting on my nerves lately. not quite stomping but like dancing on them. dougieing perhaps

just read "the archive of feelings" by peter stamm now going to read "landscapes" by christine lai another novel where the narrator is an archivist

so excited to eat my sandwich and chips later

and then for dinner i have leftover soup and rice and kimchi yuhhhh

04112024. good morning flounder

not feeling great

why?

*tired (why? nocturnal parkour cat) (action: caffeinate) (action: get the cat tested for FIV so she can share space with the other cat at night)

*hungry (why? just a piece of bread this morning) (action: meal after work) (preparatory action: grocery shop)

*residual stress (why? appointment this morning) (action: let it go)

*anticipatory stress (why? appointment this afternoon) (action: cancel the appointment /no) (action: meditate /ok) (action: do the other actions /ok) (action: journal /ok) (action: call someone /ok)

*overwhelmed (why? cat) (why? appointment) (why? money) (why? performance next week which i may have to cancel depending on outcome of appointment) (why? busy day (why? after everything, still have these tickets to the show tonight, want to go but don't know if i'll be emotionally settled enough to enjoy)) <-- (wish i had someone to go with) (why? still processing recent relationship termination(s)) (why? emails) (why? school)

*want to go home

immediate action: take a break from the desk next hour to search for snacks (hungry) and see if D is around (overwhelmed)

immediate action: gratitude

*parents are still supportive of medical treatment which i why i even get to have the appointment this afternoon. after this treatment i should have a better idea of how to continue

*A offered to pay for wiki's FIV test. has also been supplying food + litter

*haven't had to do groceries all week because of farmers market donations. ate so good this week

*wiki is living with me instead of pregnant out there somewhere

*i don't have to see B today lol

*group project members have been communicative and generous with their time + effort

*the stye on my left eye went away

*the bristle in my throat went away. may never have been there

*i get to see the sibs at the end of the month. mom wants to try the new hot pot place

*package received from M last night, two custom-decorated/packed bags she thrifted, they are amazing. M visits in may <3

*my knee isn't fucked up

*i'm not involved in any legal disputes

^ (not that i was at risk of these two i've just encountered several people lately with fucked up knees and/or legal disputes)

04102024. good morning flounder

alioop

thank you <3

i'm glad you are feeling better after feeling terrible, may the feeling expand and the water clear

at work!

had to get here early today so got up even earlier for a treat (ham and cheese croissant, vanilla honey latte)

on a mission to have a good day

flounder i have an exciting update

i am caring for a cat. her name is wiki short for wikipedia. she is a 2-year-old calico. i've been sleeping on the couch because she is extremely nocturnal and does parkour at night. the other day i listened to her breathe and it brought a tear to my eye. she is so small, i got her a litter box for guinea pigs. i don't know how long she will be living with me, it depends on a lot of things. i love you wiki

04042024. hey flounder

reading lien shutt "home is here: practicing antiracism with the engaged eightfold path"

enjoying the section on the five hindrances and the corresponding water metaphor. cloudy water, boiling water, algae-clogged

the barista said "remind me your name" and then "one day dude" and then "you just have to come every day for like a week" "which is like, totally reasonable"

having a difficult moment right now

symptoms worsened and i urgently scheduled an appointment with the ENT. from his view (as i understand it):

*[patient] has spasmodic dysphonia

*there is one treatment for spasmodic dysphonia, chronic botox injections

*either [patient] continues getting botox

*or not! in which case there is nothing they can do for [patient] anymore

in my view:

*i have spasmodic dysphonia. or i don't. i have anxiety, or something, which manifests vocally, in a really particular way that sounded, to two specialists in this particular town, like spasmodic dysphonia

*i could continue to get botox injections, or i could resume voice therapy, or i could seek new therapy, for anxiety, or whatever the cloud in my brain is / algae in my lake

on the drive from the doctor to the coffee shop i was visited by a troubling memory, of [summer 2023 ex]. it goes like this: it was our second to last time together, before his departure to [new city for grad school]. i asked him how we should spend our last day/night. can we do something special? he said yes, i'll plan something really special. i believed him completely, which is why i was confused when our last day arrived and he texted: what do you feel like doing? so i chose the restaurant (maybe his plans hadn't included dinner?). on our walk back to the car he asks: what now? i say, i thought you planned something. he says: did i say that? yeah, remember? the other night before we fell asleep (it strikes me as i say this: he was barely awake). oh, i did? i'm sorry...

he points out the wine bar we happen to be walking by. we stay there for a while. it is an extremely hot and humid day in july. the kind that makes me think of hong kong, how mom used to say it felt like breathing through plastic wrap

i forget sometimes that people can be careless, in moments that really matter to you. he had no idea how seriously i had taken his answer. we had such different experiences of the relationship, from start to finish. i'm not sure why this took me until months after the end to realize. i assigned care, intent and complexity to each of his actions and utterances, in a way that was pretty obsessive and irrational

-end of thought- back to my insane library school assignment (building a thesaurus)