Dear Big Green Girl,

i have a BIG problem that I need your help with... one of my best BFFs was just cast as Belle in our school's production of Beauty and the Beast. I am SOOOOO jealous. I practiced the songs every night for a MONTH and all i got to show for it is the stupid clock role. And i am pretty sure they only gave the part to my friend because her mom brings the snacks to practice each week. I am so jealous I have cried everyday. How do I get over the fact that my BEST FRIEND is playing my DREAM ROLE right infront of my face?????

Thanks for your help,

Cogsworth

Dear Cogsworth,

First, congratulations on your role in the musical! Although its tough to deal with the disappointment of not getting the lead, you should be proud of the work you put into practicing and preparing for your audition. Every role is an important one!

Secondly, it sounds like it would be difficult to watch your best friend live out your dream of being Belle on stage. I think

this Wikipedia page

might really be able to help you find an avenue for those negative emotions!!! (Remember, you don't need to do any permanent damage to her mandibular bone. Just enough that she'll be out of commission until closing night.)

Lastly, your friend's mom is definitely whoring herself our for her daughters musical theater career. I would be grateful your mom isn't that much of a cuck if I were you.

Always yours,

Big Green Girl