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I’m wondering on married/divorced people’s thoughts about when is the right time to propose
Do the problems that lead to divorce exist from the start? Or do they emerge after marriage?
I don’t want to marry someone if the marriage will not work out (obviously), and I think my fear is one that might get in the way of me proposing, even though my fear has nothing to do with the person I want to marry and everything to do with my parents.
I’m also wondering when I should propose from a practical standpoint. I cannot get married until 2026 at the earliest for practical reasons, I don’t know whether I should wait until next year to propose, even if I make up my mind about it now.
2023-11-05 · 6 months ago
For context, I’ve been with my partner for four years. I’m pretty certain that we are right for each other, but I can’t shake the feeling that all the unsuccessful marriages around me were just like us at one point in time.
i’m looking for stories/wisdom from your life on this subject, and I know you won’t be able to tell me what the right thing to do is.
I agree with most of the things @oldernow said, but would add in that I got married in my mid-30s (my wife if 5 years younger, but we were both on our 30s). I think if I had gotten married younger, even to her... it may not have worked. But where we were at in what we wanted in life, our maturity levels, etc. were solidly in a place where things would work. So I am of the opinion that age/maturity and life stage are factors that should be considered. There is nothing wrong with waiting a bit to get married and just being together, but if you think the time is right to you and they think it is right for them: go for it!
I would first ditch all romantic notions--getting engaged is something to discuss between you. Then if you want the romantic version you plan it and pretend it was spontaneous :)
I think making sure you have compatible life plans--most obviously, work, finance, where to live, and kids--is the most important thing. Have open expectations, while recognizing that they are an idea, not a guarantee of what will happen.
I've been with my fiancee for eight years and only just proposed last month.
I saw my parents marriage fail after almost 30 years. At the time it seemed incomprehensible. In hindsight it was inevitable. If you look at their core values and what they care about most my mom and dad couldn't be further apart. I've come to realize my own first marriage had a lot of the same problems as well.
I think one of the biggest reasons for failure in a relationship is that one or both of the partners is in it partially because they need something from the other one, and not because they just want to spend their life together. That happens even more in a world where nobody feels secure economically. But what I mean to impart is that you should both be absolutely comfortable that you can get by in life alone, and that being together is something that you are doing because it makes you happier. I'm not only talking about finances here either. You can be codependent because of mental illness or even just a desperate need to not be alone.
As for timing, I tried a bunch of times to propose in a romantic way and we kept cancelling our pushing off plans. In the end, I got so frustrated that when she suggested we move our plans out a couple weeks yet again, not knowing that I had a ring and intended to propose at dinner, I just said ok, but wait here for a minute. I went upstairs and grabbed the ring box out of my socks drawer because I was just tired of waiting. And that's how I would up proposing to her in our living room when we were both in pajamas.
everything said below, but my take is:
don't ever hide anything. what I mean is thoughts.
kids will be a challenge if you have them. see #1 above - be on the same page.
try to see if you can be together without screens.
mutual trust, with discussions
if they're the one, they will wait for a ceremony.
> I tried a bunch of times to propose in a romantic way and we kept cancelling our pushing off plans. In the end, I got so frustrated that when she suggested we move our plans out a couple weeks yet again, not knowing that I had a ring and intended to propose at dinner, I just said ok, but wait here for a minute. I went upstairs and grabbed the ring box out of my socks drawer because I was just tired of waiting. And that's how I would up proposing to her in our living room when we were both in pajamas.
This sounds as romantic as anything else I've ever heard :)
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