How to build Enterprise Software

Enterprise Software is very important. It's serious business. It's meant to be

used by important people who are doing important things, like disrupting the

industry with revolutionary block-chain based AI powered business intelligence.

Compared to us, working on our pet projects, using our pet OS, Enterprise

software provides the greatest quality of service and is easy to use.

So how can we learn from Enterprise Software? How can we improve our community

model so we can actually provide good software, for once?

Apply the following guidance and you too help inovate and disrupt the world with

game changing technological advances for a new era of prosperity.

Design

It has to be serious.

Write a power point.

Quote Elon Musk.

Put a lot of animations and charts into it.

Invite 30 people to comment on your design.

Apply Denning-Kruger effect: everybody is as clueless as you are.

Ask 2 customers what they want.

Consider this sample of 2 to be representative of the entire planet.

Plan and plan how to plan the plan.

Schedule meetings. It's very important that everybody is on the same page.

Devs

Guess it will need at most one month of development.

Assess your dev team.

Recruit 28 new people so they are now 30.

Make sure you only hire cheap engineers. It's important.

Assume that with 30 people, the job can be done in a day (because maths).

Ignore the big picture. Only think of your next POC/Demo.

Ignore other projects. Your design is better than everything else anyways.

Ignore 50 years of history and repeat it, but make it disruptive.

Reinvent the wheel. Make it square.

Justify your square wheel by stating that, at least, when it does not need to turn, it's stable.

Use every managed service AWS has to offer.

Rip off every open source project you need.

Ignore licenses. Let lawyers deal with any issues later on.

Don't forget to plan how to collect and monetize your user data.

Ignore GDPR. These EU idiots are just trying to prevent you to innovate.

Inform engineering that they must use technology X, because you've read on Medium/Twitter that X is the best. It's on the internet, so it must be true.

Put some big data here and there, whatever that means.

Use Agile.

Use Jira as the sole way to follow the project health.

Continuously ask for more. You want a solution that does everything.

Put in place a team of 100 QA people to push all the buttons.

If the dev team is late, tell them they haven't planned well enough.

If the dev team is early, tell them they haven't panned well enough.

Go to market

Build a website using React.

Make sure no technical people can understand anything you're talking about.

Inject 38 user tracking solutions.

Don't forget to ask for an email to download your white paper.

Remind people about your product every 2 days by email.

Sign off the emails with a human-ish name, like Steve Mark. They'll never know it's coming from a bot.

Monitor the competition (you may need to hire 13 people).

Make sure that if another company does anything, you must do it too.

Realize doing so does not fit in the original power point design.

Recruit 10 more people. That'll do.

Put in place an offshore team of 50 support people.

Make sure other companies see what you're doing, so they can blindly do the same. That will justify the existence of your solution.

Mesure your success solely based on the amount money you make.