i dreamt that i left for the offshoot operation. i was motivated by the possibility of having my ankles swiped again. i’ll always remember that. so i was doing well on days one and two, getting curt but positive responses, then called out of class, out of a massive visitation in my dorm room with all my friends. we were silenced by someone who had already graduated. c. came in and called me and d. out. he was crying. he had been crying in the hallway because his company was dead. for a brief second i held onto him by the hand and was allowed or justified in that feeling. no one actually explained to us why or how it was over. i wasn’t upset because i knew what i was giving up. lunch was after and the old team already dispersed. i knew i wouldn't see d. again

there was a soft edible quality to everything that happened i think because of the show that i was watching and i was with karena where we were going through a night market looking at different plushy animals one of which i almost bought it was totoro with a backpack and then we were at a tattoo studio where there are a lot of people bound together in line even though it was extremely late at night i think this was a consequence of seeing the covid testing site club and then later she was kaavya next door but instead of a bed she had a sleeping bag and was sort of beckoning at me to cuddle because we were in a rush and cold the room was the room that i’m sleeping in now the house was different oh i think it was my birthday but it was still several months before actually and then we were in san antonio parents were helping me plan a party at benihana and mom was dressing dad like trevor in a peasant blouse with ruffles they said i could invite people up to 40 though i knew i was an adult and in the end didn't invite just thought about texting iowa friends

we were in hong kong but also iowa location wasn’t a realization until after. parents called us to come to the ocean to swim and requested that we bike there. when we arrived they were already in the water. i saw myself diving in from a drone's eye view but felt hesitant. amelia was there with a disposable camera and karena’s friend too. the water felt skin temperature and we were stronger swimmers than in reality. i know this was inspired by adedayo’s creek poem. i don’t think the water was blue. suddenly i was having so much fun, but couldn't attribute the feeling. karena pointed out there were probably little leopard snails in the water. we were sloshed around, teleporting, as in we didn't have to swim to move from one part of the ocean to another. later we biked home and remarked how much happier mom and dad were here in hong kong iowa.

dad drove us to hy-vee. my fiddle leaf fern was a huge monstera opening up. i don’t know if anything else happened after. haven’t been swimming in a long time. maybe that’s why i couldn’t imagine the sensation and it rendered so robotically. in the parking lot i thought about the risks associated with closely examining the tap.

i can only remember the last part of the sunrise train dorm bathroom i had left some sort of meeting to go wash my face with cold water and take a shower because i was tired of workshopping girls maybe they were from high school? later on i was playing badminton doubles on some sort of lakeside site for an australian music festival and all of this came with a feeling of homesickness like it was many old measures of happiness that i think we could trade with someone navy and dystopian like happening at the expense of another place very off

there was a new kind of poetic device called "triplets" where two three-syllable words make a unit and i thought of one beginning with "expensive" while sorting through cds but i can't remember its second part.

liz and i were secretly taking boxing lessons together.

the lighter wouldn’t click off and i kept forgetting it was on. i was in love or lust with someone tall and we’d keep our eyes closed until the end of the escalator. we crashed a roller skating wedding and one of my students was there, but i didn’t exactly recognize her, nor did she acknowledge me. she was chummy with the taller one. i never saw the center of the room, it was just an implied crowd. i was nervous about the fire.

i said something really mean to karena, then immediately backtracked. she was in the kitchen and i was on the couch. she verbally forgave me.

i was in oakland last night. all the bath mats were gone, so my feet were dirty. why am i always dreaming about suspicious floors. i showered in the old house while everyone was getting ready to move out. victoria saw me and told.

my mom left me a bottle of tequila, which is something she’d never do. there were also unclean grapes and i washed them to eat. i didn’t get what the big deal of return was. i could always go back and forth between here, iowa, anywhere. i was sitting on the toilet and texting hadar and amelia to have dinner with me.

later, i was at evan’s house and he gave me a big hug. we kissed and he mutated into gabe. he was wearing three pairs of pants and neither of us could explain why. i smelled the other person’s clothes and they reminded me of my own. after, i took my car to the dealer because there was water pooling in the back seat, and i had to duct tape the sun roof, remove the spillage with a porcelain dish every morning.

last night i was sitting with my roller skates on in the street. quinn found me and took me to his house but i never got to see inside.

i was taking a shower with pants on in the living room. i was worried about damaging the hardwood floors but no one seemed to care. it was warm and treacly. in another room i was also trying to take a shower but someone rearranged all the furniture so that the bathroom was only a small airplane stall behind a fridge. i stepped inside and yelped because the floors were dirty and i was barefoot.

there was a whole debacle with the lunch line. darrian abandoned me at the soda fountain. soon some other girls, outcasts too, came to sit and eat giant nachos. i feigned closeness with one who i had just met that day. don’t know why she played along.

i can't identify the first room i was in last night. it was tall and airy, with a table too small to eat at in the center. it may have been bobby's house except we weren't children. as i'm writing this i realize it was alex's apartment grafted onto bobby's living room. neither of them were there. i was with yuqing eating peanuts.

the second place was a van or a bus. we were all girls being dropped off somewhere far, according to schedule. one person wasn't feeling well and asked if we could turn around. we didn't listen to her. it was too late, and tropical. the girl who felt sick wasn't a real girl but simply a recording of one. that might be why we kept going. we made a rest stop somewhere that looked like mill valley.

the last place was a shopping mall. still lots of light. i was looking for somewhere to sit with maryann and my mom. i was conscious of covid. it was yau yat sing, and el mercado. i wished maryann would just tell me what to do.

in the past week undertale, cockroaches, jae, and eric were in my dreams. i'm losing interest in this exercise and may start to make things up.

i was trying to walk to a theater in san francisco or lincoln park. the hills were massive and the floor was untenable. it was bright out. i knew i wouldn't make it up the street but tried anyway, then ended up dangling from asphalt by my fingers. it was like a remix of the nightmare where i slide backwards while driving, though i wasn't as scared.

it was the same feeling as rock climbing. later i was on valencia and in new orleans and saw coach waters on a bar patio. he was like 7 feet tall. i wasn't sure that was the right size for him so i googled his name to check. i still haven't dreamt about wearing a mask yet. i think screens have only recently been appearing.

i dreamt about input and output metrics.

there were a lot of us in beds, but we weren’t trying to sleep. it wasn’t a party, because nobody participated. i had a spot at the foot of the frame and nora offered butter she’d churned herself. i said yes and watched her spread it around, realizing she owned cows now.

the butter was in bed with us. even though the room was in our house in san antonio, it was also a ship, so there was nowhere else to put our things. i heard that people were outside swimming and floating on pallets we towed. on a mattress below, jacqueline and joyce laughed wildly about about their wet socks. i knew i’d feel soggy if i stood up, so i didn’t bother trying. i was cagey and dumb.

i didn't see the purple berries in the trees until jae pointed them out. they fruited all over. i didn't wish for anything. i was a punk, and a dog, and a baby.

a weird thing that happens: after i spend a night talking with my roommates, i often dream about the conversation continuing. the epilogue is usually anxious, like i forgot to say one last thought, or i misrepresented a story.

an explanation for this is that we're not close, but we still know each other from living and drinking together. it's some checkerboard version of knowing, and i think my brain tries to resolve the lack of coherency in sleep. i don't have this dream after being with other people.

my psyche is a featherlight dinner roll. used to be hard cheese. since nothing happens or happening is continuous now, external objects bloom quickly (either from life or tv or books). input and output get closer. i don't mind being a vessel for now.

10/23/20

we were driving country roads. it could have been colorado or wisconsin. karena was upset about something as we dropped her off in front of a school with dogwood trees. the flowers matched her shirt. i don't know how old we were. later maryann was in my kitchen in oakland and i offered her a sip of my grapefruit juice. there wasn't enough for two but for some reason it was important that we each have some. we were getting ready to drive again.

my boss told me she has a recurring dream of forgetting to finish the last credit she needs to graduate. funny how our adult anxieties are reported back to us in juvenile contexts.

10/20/20

last night was about bryan and a blue notebook. we were trying to leave somewhere, there was a lot of tupperware. church basement maybe. it wasn’t well-lit or warm. then i was lost in the dorm. natalie was there, and i was carrying my pillow by mistake, parading my mess through the carrels. i almost took it with me to breakfast. i just wanted a plate of fruit but i felt too embarrassed, and i wasn't actually hungry. i tried to take the elevator back up to the eighth floor to return the pillow. it took me to the 寶琳 mtr station instead.

i was confused, but thought i could walk through the mall, get my fruit and coffee, and return to the dorm to study before 8:30. or maybe 9. it would be ok. the station was closed. i’d have to walk to 調景嶺 or take a bus or an uber. i remember looking out at the wet streets. a jewelry store was open and a 7 eleven. i didn't know if they had ubers here and i didn’t have any cash. i asked someone in pigeon cantonese how to add bus money to my octopus card and she answered but tittered at me. i was losing hope. then i heard aunt flora calling out my cousin’s name, they were shopping at the mall. i think they picked me up and took me with them. i don’t know if i ever made it back to the dorm though.