after a sprint for the last week or so, work is a bit more relaxed right now. that's very okay.

i learned at my previous job in an agency: when there are slow days, do not try to speed them up.

after she got off of work, o.f. and i went to washington square diner for a modest meal. a group of middle aged working men sat behind me, ten or so teenage boys sat near the entrance, loud as could be, an older man sat in front of me, a few rows behind o.f., his eyes wandering around the room and too often falling on me. a homeless man came up frantically looking for food, and the man behind the counter handed him some plastic-wrapped sweet bread that was sitting on the glass.

i asked her about the dynamic of her previous relationship. it's her only previous arrangement of any sort, and that's glorifying it.

she said:

they were mostly friends

it became a relationship out of safety, not sex (literal or as an analogy for attraction)

heady conversations about concrete things, not emotive

often she could dominate those conversations

still her timid self most of the time

lacking in communication

all of which i found interesting.

she is bright and has many thoughts but with me, she either hides them or is incapable of sharing them (for now). we talked about that, too, which was good.

we want to make this work. we feel safe, we feel attraction, the only thing we (or i) don't feel is together.

it's close.

but not quite.

it can be.

she asked me, too, about my previous relationships and the dynamics of those, and it came down to:

one where we shared a sense of humor, could banter forever, but when it came to intellectual topics, she bowed out and didn't care much about that sort of heady thing

another where we shared an intellectual side but not the same critique of the world, and didn't share much of a sense of humor, but respected each other enough to continue it and try to make it work after promptly deciding it was futile

and when i think about those two past relationships, i become thankful for this one, because she does share a sense of humor with me (even if she herself is less willing to be crude), she does have a strong intellect, and i am attracted to her. i know her to be these things, but i'm not sure she's quite comfortable being herself around me.

or, i'm just not good at giving her space.

working on that.