CS

if i have a 'weird food thing', CS also does, and it is that she can't be seen eating.

"unless i'm comfortable with someone."

"are you not comfortable with me?"

"well, i am. i guess not."

"hm."

"i'm just dissociated right now."

"right."

"i hate going to dinner."

and i thought i was doing her a favor by inviting her. i hate dinner, too, but for different reasons.

she barely pecked away at her panini, got it in a to-go box, and then threw it away the second we left. was it a bad piece of food or is she incapable of eating? not sure.

CS is very wonderful and very seductive. i wonder if we might just be compatible.

any time a date goes well it makes me question:

am i ready after all?

my stated desire is to fall in love, *to* love, to commit, and be in a lasting relationship. and i see the possibilities, but they all fall short of some expectation. there is always something wrong, and i'm far too aware of what i'll be giving up if i get into a relationship. i don't think that's a helpful way to think about it, and it stops me from moving forward. stops me from mentioning the whole conundrum at all.

perhaps being alone, in front of a terminal, writing this journal entry is exactly where i should be — no partners around.

for now.