pain

I feel tired from earlier. I feel tired from lossage. it's 3 in the morning and I was already sleep deprived yesterday. I wanted to publish something today but I failed to. I couldn't bring myself to finish the file. I think of words and they vanish into the fog in a matter of seconds. I cannot see through the haze, it's all encompassing, it shrouds all in blur. I try to put the last two days together but the fragments are all over the place. I can hardly remember anything before that, it's all a vague blur. I am overcome with dysphoria. I wish I could be terrified of the future, but as it stands I can hardly be terrified of the present. I wish I could be sad, I wish I could be angry, I wish I could cry, but I'm just overcome with numbness. everything blends together into a homogenous mixture of white noise, entirely overwhelming and incapacitating. I feel inadequate like hardly ever before, on top of the inadequacy like always before. I can hardly think straight, and I am sleepy, but I can't sleep. I wish I could hate this, but hate takes too much effort. I hate this. there's no sense, no release, it's simply pain for the sake of pain. I wish even the most minor of disturbances threw the whole thing off balance, sent me into an outburst of... something. I need something. anything. anything.

I must sleep.