ahhhhhhh

omgomgomg alright, only now have I mustered up the courage to go and write this but hear me out: so this morning, right, on the bus. this hella cute fella just gets on the bus like one stop before I have to get off, right, and, well, they were freaking cute alright!

I have absolutely no clue who they are, but I was amazed to find out that such people exist around these parts! right, so, they had long straight brown hair, very pretty soft skin, and were wearing a light gray jacket over a yellow shirt. they looked *very* androgynous which I absolutely love (their voice, or what little I heard, was even better.) that's all I really managed to catch as they got their ticket and walked past the rows of seats. but that's not what I wanted to talk about though.

see, the problem is I would have absolutely loved to say something to them, right. "talking to strangers" that's how they call it. well it's hard yeah. it's very hard. granted, I didn't really have anything to say, and it would have certainly helped if we were in a situation were communication was physically possible, (i.e., seated next to each other) but the desire was there nonetheless. it's funny how humans work innit.

am I in love? well I'm certainly in something, but I don't really think that's what I would call the kind of joy that someone I've gottan a grand total of like 3 seconds of eye contact with sparks. I'm pretty sure I've been in love before; but with someone who I don't even know how they look, only how they write. words are a pretty necessary part of love I reckon. well human communication more generally but you know. wordsss. talking. believe it or not I actually do enjoy talking to people *whole audience gasps*. sometimes when communication takes place as a necessary consequence of reality, (e.g., someone having minor trouble getting the freaking bus card reader thingy to get its shit together) and complete strangers manage to complete a friendly conversation, EVEN if you're just an observer, complete with snickers, and apologizing, and vaguely friendly looks, it's... pretty? perhaps in a similar way you'd feel happy after listening to a sick song or something, especially when unexpectedly so. like, it feels legitimately nice somehow, like the whole world is a nice place after all and like there's hope after all, and like you're here not to suffer only after all.

I barely ever initiate a conversation with a stranger. the stakes are too high, and the risks generally far outweigh the benefits -- or so some part of me which can override all my executive functions when it pleases seems to think. I wonder how big of a role culture plays in this. I'd say my culture is extremely stranger phobic. not even in a stranger danger kind of way, but in a stranger outright gon bite kinda way. I find that to be especially the case for people my age, most of whom would apparently rather be vanquished than have to meaningfully communicate with anyone on the freaking bus. older people tend to be a lot more forthcoming on the other hand, and I try my best to reciprocate that when I can (not that I necessarily always succeed.) some of the bus drivers can also be quite chatty on a good day. anyhow.

I look forward to maybe seeing this person again! I mean, I doubt it. I'm pretty sure they paid their bus fare with a credit card, which means they don't have a bus card, which means taking this route is probably an exception for them. one can always cling to hope though. even in the highly unlikely case that I'll see them again, it's even less likely that they'd want to talk to me. and even in THAT improbable scenario chances are they'd be just as socially awkward as I am and would simply opt not to initiate a conversation lol. same as me really, there's no way in freakin hell I am doing that. every visible god damn star in the god damn sky would have to align for that to happen.

uhh, right I'm not entirely sure how this post might have come across. I needed to write this anyway. and you get to read it! isn't that nice?

in the extraordinarily slim chance that you're reading this, whoever you are, just know that you are extraordinarily cute. and sorry that I'm almost certainly not uhh, up to standard. I guess.

I just want someone to boop me and hug me and allow me to cry in their arms and tell me that's it all gonna be okay.

it's all gonna be oooookay.