Expectations

Over the years, I’ve had numerous places I’ve written my thoughts. On one of the blogs I had, only about 1/3rd of the posts were in the proper folder to be picked up by the static site generator. The rest were a place for me to write things that I wouldn’t necessarily share on the blog. In a way, this capsule has become the new version of that.

I was going through some of those old posts recently, and one of them was in response to getting my yearly review and getting only “Meets Expectations.” This was a year after getting a special Chairman’s Award for being part of the team that put the first top 15 bank on Kubernetes. I was still working just as hard, with 50 to 60 hour weeks. After our success with the online banking move, every application wanted to be on Kubernetes, and there was a flood of requests, and I worked my ass off to try and meet as many of them as possible.

In what I wrote, it’s clear I was pretty pissed and insulted by the rating. It felt like I had worked miracles the year before, and so miracles were expected of me. Since I was still working them, I was meeting expectations. I was hurt that my continued efforts went unnoticed, and I didn’t stick around at the company long enough to get another yearly review.

Fast forward 6 or so years later, and this past week I had my yearly review. I received a review of “Meets Expectations” and was totally fine with it. It is interesting just how much I’ve changed in that time.

It’s taken far too long in my career to realize just how little a company values each individual. I’m not totally sure what pushed me over the top. Maybe it was the year I won that Chairman’s Award. Because it was during the 2018 financial crisis, bonuses pretty much stopped. I was one of the few that got one because of the award, but it was so small that they probably spent more on me for the food at the awards banquet than was in the check. We have to tighten our belts, but can’t cut back on the extravagance for the true senior leaders.

Maybe it’s the impersonal nature of my current job. Maintaining the source code management system, I see us adding and removing 40-50 people each day. People rotate in and out so quickly that there isn’t any chance to get to know anyone. people truly feel like cogs in a machine.

Maybe it was seeing some of the people who worked the hardest being swept up in the big round of layoffs we had 6 months ago that seemed to be totally random. Or those layoffs being described as necessary in order for us to survive the impending recession. You know, the one that didn’t happen. Oh and by the way there were record profits this past quarter… We’re supposed to be so excited for the company and what our hard work helped achieve.

Maybe it’s knowing I’m underpaid in my current role. My days of giving 110% while being paid 70% of the going rate are over.

Maybe it is just having a healthier relationship with work.

Growing up, my parents had their own company, and seemingly dedicated every waking second working, or talking with each other about work. Their identities were so closely tied to what they do, it was virtually inseparable. This is the model I emulated, even though I didn’t own the companies I worked for.

There’s also a societal expectation of this though. We don’t ask kids “What job do you want to have when you grow up?” we ask “What do you want to be when you grow up?” It’s a small thing, but it reinforces the idea that your identity is tied to your work. You are what you do.

That’s why I probably interpreted “Meeting Expectations” then as “you’re an average human” and now it’s a far more healthy “you’re doing an average job.”

It’s taken a while, probably far too long, for me to really realize that work is something I do for a period of time every day, but it doesn’t define me. It’s how I support my family, but isn’t who I am. The company I work for is “the company that currently employs me”, not “my company.” It’s subtle changes in mindset, but ones that help me have a healthier relationship with work.

It’s just interesting how that change has manifested in my own expectations, and my acceptance in the expectations of others.

-af

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