9 months, 3 weeks

She is back into clapping. There was a lapse for a bit because we weren’t practicing, but now she does it all the time. “If you’re happy and you know it” song makes her smile immediately.

Even more than clapping is waving. She waves hello when she first sees you, in the middle of an interaction, or if she is trying to get your attention. She waves at pictures, at her mobile, at her noise machine, at the windows. She usually does not wave bye-bye on command, but will do it once the person is walking away or is gone completely (which makes sense—why wave bye-bye if they are standing right in front of you?).

When I rest my cheek on her head now, there is a thick layer of hair. It looks like a pixie-cut, with little tufts that sit on the top of her ears or look like long sideburns if not swept back.

She is getting into more trouble. She loves to try to eat fuzzies off the floor (and will if we’re not quick enough to snatch them from her tiny grasp). She can reach things that used to be out of reach. She does not understand what the edge of the bed is, and will barrel toward it at full crawling speed, or sit precariously close to it; our hands are ready to catch her at all times.

She somehow got a small cut on the spot below her lip (not quite her chin) when she fell on her face while crawling, tripping on nothing. When she cries like that from a hurt or a bump or a scare, I scoop her up and comfort her until her sobs quiet. I press my nose against her temple and hush; I kiss her cheek and reassure her feelings and tell her I’m there; I sway as I walk around the room with her; I fetch her a cold washcloth to hold and suck on; I distract with a change scenery or following a cat.

Her eyelashes are longer and thicker than an adult’s. “Disney princess eyes,” said a friend. “Or whatever you want to be,” she followed.

9 months, 2 weeks, 2 days

I love the way she sits up in her crib and sleepily practices clapping before faceplanting back onto the mattress and falling asleep

8 months, 3 weeks, 6 days

I love her so much.

She is clapping and waving now. Her smiles are so big. She is looking upwards with her arms raised to the sky. Sometimes she looks so high up she falls backwards onto the floor. Then she rolls over and crawls off to the next thing.

She is back to her sing-song voice and wookiee calls. She still growls and makes raspberries. She still says mamama and bababa. She is building up her repertoire.

She has found the triple goddess tattoo on my wrist and touches it regularly, lightly brushing her nails against it.

It is going by so fast. I love her so much.

When she is sleeping I miss her. The last three nights she has slept 11 hours in a row. Incredible. But I miss her. I miss going to get her at night and holding her at my breast, close to me in the dark, her sleepy weight in my arms. When I used to say good night to her, I’d say, “See you in a few hours.” Now I truly will not see her for another 11 hours, except on the video monitor. I miss her so much. I love her so much. I can’t wait to see her in the morning.

She is always the brightest part of my day.

8 months, 2 weeks, 6 days

Tonight I am crying because I realized that there was a day that was the last time she napped in my arms. And I miss it so much. I miss holding her in my arms and staring at her and not having to worry about anything else but breathing with her. Feeling her weight and her tiny body moving up and down.

Now, during the day, she eats from a bottle—calmly, getting more sleepy, her eyes getting heavier as the feed goes on. Milk collects on the corner of her lips and her chin. Eventually she tucks her head down, causing the bottle nipple to slip from her mouth, and rubs her eyes with her wrists and the backs of her hands repeatedly. I wipe her mouth with a soft washcloth and she fights it and cries out sometimes. Then I offer her her binky and she opens her mouth wide with closed eyes and clamps down on it. I gently sit her up and remove the bib that she needs while she drinks from bottles. As I do this, she keeps her eyes closed and chin tucked down and she rests her head on me. I hold her there for a bit, savoring the moment, sometimes turning her to rest in child’s pose on my chest. Sometimes her head will flop sideways into the crook of my arm. But then eventually she starts to wriggle, trying to get comfortable, and so I steadily stand up from the squeaking recliner, rock her in my arms as I hum or sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star one-and-a-half times, and then I slowly lower her into the crib for her nap. I briefly touch one hand to her chest and smooth her hair with the other, wish her a good sleep and sweet dreams, and step away quickly and quietly out the door, so as not to disturb her rolling-around routine that she does to get comfortable before falling asleep.

The only difference is at nighttime, when she now occasionally wakes and does not seek the binky to self-soothe, but rather continues to cry and wait for me. When I lift her, she calms, grabbing my hair and burying her face in it. I kiss her cheeks and feel her cold tears on my lips, and I tell her momma’s here. We sit in the chair, and she nurses like she used to when she was small—mouth an easy magnet and quick latch, eyes closed, drinking deeply, small breaths between gulps, up-facing hand searching for a strand of my hair to gently tug. When she’s done, I can hold her a little longer, her head deep in sleep. I hold her with my whole arms, in the pink glowing dark, and the rushing hushed roar of the noise machine and box fan together. I feel her chest against mine. I rest my cheek against her soft hair that swirls so neatly on the top of her hair. And when she turns head and shifts face to face, I look into her closed eyes, and memorize this sleeping face obscured by dim glowing binky. I stay as long as I feel I can, until I worry about falling asleep, or cutting into both of our sleep times.

I long for the day when I am told I can safely sleep with her. To fall asleep together in that chair, or with her in my arms in bed, would be the true dream. Just about three and a half more months… More of those sweet days are coming. Until then, I savor every moment she is asleep in my embrace that much more.

I will try not to think about the day that will one day be the last she ever sleeps in my arms. And I won’t even know it has been the last.

8 months, 2 weeks, 4 days

The girl loves sucking on a wet washcloth.

She waved for the first time today!!!

I think she also called me Mama with purpose too. A day or two ago she was crying really hard and called out Mama while looking at me and I think she was calling for me…

She can free-stand for at most maybe two seconds.

8 months, 2 weeks

She is scared of the stairs. I was having her practice climbing everyday, like I used to do with tummy time, and at some point she got really scared while holding onto the step. Now when we sit together on the landing of our staircase, she clings to me for dear life, which she NEVER does in any other context—she usually is on the move as soon as I sit down. When I put her feet on the ground, she holds my clothes tightly, trembling, and she whimpers as she looks nervously at the steps. Today, when she was on my lap on the landing, I loosened my grip on her a little and she held me so fast and tight—suddenly, and with a small gasp, as if she were catching herself from a fall. I just hugged & kissed her and reassured her that I had her.

I’m not sure what sparked this fear when she was okay with the stairs before! I’ve never let her fall. Maybe the small slips she’s made scared her? Maybe she’s developed a sense (and then fear) of heights? I feel so bad and I’m not sure if continuing with the stairs practice is good or bad for her. If I do continue, maybe I will start closer to the ground floor where it’s not high. All I can do is reassure her that I have her and will not let her fall.

It’s odd seeing her be clingy and scared. So far she has been very bold and independent when it comes to movement and play, so it’s strange to see her freeze up. In a way, it’s fun to see this new side of her and learn something new about her. Also, to be honest, I don’t mind her clinging to me either… I miss the snuggles that she has been too busy for these days.

She seemed to feel more at ease when I was behind her and husband was above her on the top step; she liked trying to get him.

8 months, 1 week, 6 days

She held the bottle up by herself today. She had been holding it with her hands before, but when I let go, it would fall; today she actually was able to hold it up for herself and drink from it.

She is back to the raspberries. Growling is still present, but mixed with a lot of raspberries. She also says, “bouf” a lot. When she is upset, she does this whine that sounds like the kid version of Tarzan, like a yodel-type thing where her voice cracks.

I noticed today that she will gently rake her fingers on the carpet and then look at them, to see what fuzzies and hairs she has scooped up; she then usually puts the fuzzies in her mouth. But I vacuumed yesterday and so today she came up empty during this practice. Good.

She has so much hair now. And she is so big. It’s wild how used to it we get though. I look back at pictures from not that long ago and she has barely any hair and she is smaller. Watching her grow is like a frog in a boiling pot.

8 months, 6 days

Last night of swim lessons tonight! Can’t believe we did it. Eight weeks is a long time. The baby was six months when we started! We just missed one class because she had refused to nap beforehand and if we had gone she would have been up three hours longer than she was supposed to have been. Seven out of eight is not bad.

She loves the water. Smiles, splashing, growling, kicking, paddling. Head on a swivel, taking in everything. Accidental mouthsfull of water. Shivering, chattering jaw, purple hands and feet. Grabbing for toys. Mohawk wet hair. Little strawberry swimsuit. Squealing as she reaches for us.

She has her first bruise—a small yellow one on her temple from falling or bonking her head on something—not sure when she got it today. She was crawling over everything.

She seems to be getting grumpy more often when playing, which isn’t like her. Usually she loves her room but now sometimes she will kind of whine when we go in there—I don’t know if it’s because she thinks I’m about to put her down for a nap and she doesn’t want to, or if she just wants to explore other parts of the house instead.

At some point I will walk through in detail the nap routine. It’s something that I do the same way three times a day. The nap routine is a big part of my life right now. But one day I will forget it. So I want to write it down. Just like the rest of these memories.

8 months, 5 days

She loves to pull all her books off her bookshelf. She has started this yesterday and continued this morning.

She got tired early today and so we may actually be able to go to the 10am exercise class on time (if she wakes up in the next 15 minutes). Will still go even if we’re late because there is a playgroup after that will make it worth it.

She is back to sleeping max 4 hours at night. But to know she is capable of 7-8.5 hours of sleep is comforting.

Making formula bottles is really annoying but not as annoying as pumping and unfreezing frozen pouches. Hard to make just the right amount of formula though, and hard to time warming up the leftover formula before a nap and potentially making a second one if she wants more.

Gosh dang it the exercise class was at 9:30 not 10am, welp, we will be extra late then. She is still sleeping.

Update: she did not wake up until 10:30 and by then it was not worth it to go to the playgroup for the last 15 minutes.

So we went for a hike at new local park that was on my bucket list and MAN was that wonderful for my mental health today. Such a beautiful day, baby was so happy and loved the water, and I brought my long lens Nikon and got photos of wood ducks!! Very happy I got a picture before the baby yelled and scared them away.

We sat outside in the backyard on our blanket for the very first time! She is too fast for me and ate grass and mud whoops

8 months, 4 days

She has gotten so good at putting small pieces of food into her own mouth!

Still no teeth! I keep expecting to see a tooth popped through every morning, but no dice yet. She really loves sucking/chewing on damp washcloths.

Her hair is starting to come past the top of her ears the slightest bit.

She has been growling constantly the past two days. My nieces called her a dinosaur.

My nieces also called the little move she does where she bounces her butt up and down while flapping her arms “The Octopus.”

She has been saying “Mamama” or “Mom mom mom” a lot lately… I think just babbles but I’m going to pretend she’s talking to me. Sometimes she says “Oma,” sounding like the Korean word for mom. I always respond to her like she’s asking for me: “Yes, my baby? What is it?”

She’ll say “Bababa” now and then too.

She goes back and forth between growling, screeching, yelling, mamama-ing, bababa-ing, and silently making B sounds.

She has gotten very good at standing in her crib and gumming the top rail. It’s stressful when we’re trying to get her to nap and she’s standing, rolling around, screeching happily in the crib for 10-20 minutes before absolutely konking out in two seconds, face flat on the mattress.

I tried to put her down for a nap at 9:15 this morning and it took so long for her to fall asleep (needed more bottle, needed to remove zipper hoodie, then general playing in the crib) that she fell asleep right at 10am, so we had to miss the library program that starts at 10am :(

I think she doesn’t like drinking bottles with only one ounce left; she likes the weight of a big hefty bottle lol

She likes to play with my hair while she drinks from the bottle.

At night when she is extra upset and I go to get her, the first thing she does is grab a handful of my hair and bury her face in it.

We walked to the library today with her in the ring sling. It was sunny and nice enough out that I only needed my light sweatshirt and the baby to keep me warm. She wore her little knit hat and her sunglasses and she looked so cute. The librarian is a big fan of hers; I introduced myself so now we’re on a first name basis which I like very much. Feels really good to be part of the community. We walk to the library at least once or twice a week, so it’s nice to get to know names and chat a little.

Maybe when the baby is old enough she will be like Matilda and know all the librarians by name; that would be so cute.

Lowered the crib’s mattress for the first time!! Now that she is standing and biting the top rail lol. Set to the middle setting now. Switched to the pineapple sheets while we wash the leaf ones.

After a couple hours she woke up crying. I knew she wasn’t hungry again yet—maybe she got scared or had a bad dream. So I got her and she rubbed my hair in her face and I just held and rocked her in our chair for a while until she calmed down and got sleepy in my arms. Her eyes stayed open the whole time and we just gazed at each other in the dark by the light of the pink glow of the sound machine. I set her down in the crib softly and she closed her eyes and went back to sleep.

8 months, 1 day

She turned 8 months yesterday!! Yesterday was the first day she attempted to reach for things on the very top of her shelves.

Her hair sticks straight up.

7 months, 4 weeks, 2 days

Went to the infant support drop-in at the community center today. I talked to the doula/lactation consultant who hosts them about her nursing and wake windows and feel much better now.

She is yelling at the top of her lungs for fun all day lol she is so loud. Usually yelling with a big smile on her face. She is the cutest.

She was happily growling a lot during swim lessons tonight. She was having a good time. The most splashy she’s ever been. Soaked me good.

She started standing up in her crib, which I had seen in the monitor a few times the last few days, but yesterday she was standing when I went to go get her from her nap. She looked so cute with her little head peaking over the ledge! I got an adorable picture of it today.

Walter continues to be the most tolerant cat ever, purring as she rolls her whole body on top of him. Orange cats are special.

7 months, 4 weeks, 1 day

she is so stinkin’ cute.

i got little pink heart-shaped sunglasses for her since it’s been so sunny (and cold) lately, and the southern sun always gets in her eyes because it’s too low for the stroller shade to block. she looks soooo cute in them.

i went grocery shopping with her in the front-facing carrier, and went for a walk to the library with her in the ring sling.

it’s fun when people smile when they see her because i want other people to witness her cuteness. she gives out so many smiles. but i never know exactly how to react or if i should acknowledge or talk to the people, especially if they are waving at her or saying hi to her. if they say “she’s so cute” at least i can say thank you lol

the librarian asked me where she got her brown eyes.

she is very good at staring at people for a long amount of time without any expression.

she loves smiling at people she knows.

she is sleeping so much better, but is now refusing to nurse and only taking a bottle. giving her pumped breastmilk when i can, but if i don’t have enough we have to use formula. she drank my whole breastmilk supply and we ran out of formula, hence my unconventional trip to the store with the baby (i usually wait to go shopping for when her grandmas can watch her). pumping suuuuucks (literally lol) and i did not get much today. worried my supply will dry up. will talk to the lactation consultant tomorrow. but i don’t want to power-pump (ugh) so idk what we’ll do. not sure if i am ready to be done nursing yet; it makes me emotional to think about. i really wanted to nurse for the whole first year (the WHO recommends two years).

she attempted to climb all the way up the top of the foam blocks today, but kept stopping for a break halfway up the ramp and rolling back down hahaha

i had to pump when she was playing, leading up to her nap so she could have something to eat, and instead of playing with her toys, she sat at my feet the whole time and pulled out a bunch of plastic milk pouches from my pumping bag and mouthed them. she is so silly. she will prefer to play with anything that isn’t a toy for her.

another fun shower today. she loves the water. i bought a soft rubber faucet cover because she keeps crawling toward the drain to watch the water go down and she would hit her head on it if i wasn’t holding my hand there to cover it.

she loves her rice rusk snacks. i gave her pieces of (green) grapes for the first time today. she loved it and wanted to hold the grape herself.

she is getting better at plucking the strings of the tiny guitar we have for her, and yelling/singing while she does it. she is a little musician <3

7 months, 4 weeks

She is close to clapping. I can tell she wants to do it! She smiles very big when I start to sing “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands,” and she lifts up her arms and her hands hover close to each other while she watches me, smiling, like she wants to get in on this fun time.

She also smiles at: This Little Piggy, the Alphabet Song, Old McDonald, and Miss Mary Mack. She doesn’t care too much about The Wheels on the Bus or Head Shoulders Knees and Toes.

She slept so well last night, 7 hours and 46 minutes; and I went to sleep about 1 hour and 20 minutes after her, so I got good sleep too! I only woke up once to check the monitor, and another time panicking thinking the pillow I was holding was the baby (I do that a lot).

She can bring her hands together in one kind-of clap. Hard to tell if she is just bringing her hands together or trying to clap.

Today she just started doing this funny this with her mouth, like a silent “B” or “P” sound again and again. The sound you would make if you were trying to sound like bubbles.

She is so happy and squealy and screechy.

She likes to carry toys around in her mouth, especially her plastic pig and cloth ghostie.

She is getting SO CLOSE to clapping!!

7 months, 3 weeks, 6 days

She is pulling up and holding on with just one hand. Occasionally she lets go and stands for a couple seconds (!!!) before falling back down!

She takes about half an hour to warm up to people and start smiling at them; having a meal together helps build that trust faster. It makes me happy when she smiles when she sees her family members.

She gets overwhelmed and overstimulated with loud, too-enthusiastic voices and play. She is used to quiet encouragement and gentle celebration with me. Loud noises (laughs and voices) distract her.

She loves crawling around her grandmother’s house—lots of space and soft carpeting for crawling.

She saw fire for the first time in the fireplace and crawled right toward it. Once she got to the hearth I kept her in my lap and we watched it together and felt its warmth. Perfect for a snowy evening with family.

“She sure does smile a lot.”

7 months, 3 weeks, 4 days

Took baby to RR Nature Center. She had fun crawling in the tunnel and looking at the displays. She tried to grab another toddler who sat down next to her. I made her belly giggle when I ran with the stroller on the paved path back to the car.

When she is happy she gets happy arms, waving them up and down, above her head and then into her lap. She smiles and yells one big note. She pants excitedly as she pulls up to stand, her little butt in the air.

She screech giggles when I squeeze hug her and snort into or smooch her neck and cheeks. She had happy squeals in the shower today as she splashed and chased the bath toys.

She started to pull up in her crib today for the first time. She was licking the bars.

She likes to smile and yell at herself in the mirror and lick her reflection too. And the wall next to the mirror. She’s such a weirdo. I love her.