11:41pm

i just wrote out a whole entry for today and when i went to scroll to hit save, it refreshed and deleted. not doing it again.

the total eclipse was beautiful.

i just want to hold my baby.

10:48pm

hi flounder.

feeling guilty for not updating babylog lately or writing her 9 month passage. i’m letting her infancy go by without capturing it. ugh.

when i feel obligated to write one specific thing, i write nothing. then feel more guilty and anxious and my executive function plummets.

this is good that i’m writing now but i should be sleeping. guilt. shame.

i am feeling desperate to find a therapist in my network, or go to some kind of therapy, even try group therapy. it’s not been great in my head lately.

i have a long list of things i would talk to my potential therapist about.

i don’t think it’s ppd. i think it’s normal ali stuff. i just happen to be postpartum now.

i am desperate for the weather to turn and the sun to come out. i am looking forward to the eclipse.

maybe once the weather turns nice all my problems will be solved. maybe i should wait til then. that’s why they call it “maybe.”

i was desperate to make it past easter, when my busy schedule would stop being busy. and now i just want to crash. but i have so many things left to do.

i am overwhelmed and overdue.

i need a computer day

and a spa day

and a nature day

and a tv & sleep & food delivery day

and a camping day

i need this guilt to get off my back.

12:28am

i am anxious so i am not sleeping which is …

not smart

hm i only really write in my journal when i’m not doing good. babylog tracks much happier moments. but i do have non-baby related happy moments.

i have a physical journal i write in every day so

this platform is really just for when i cannot physically write (bc i am hiding under the covers in the dark being anxious)

10:26pm

gonna reformat and combine all my journals and probably change them into monthly files someday.

big woof when it comes to how i’ve been doing emotionally. crazy how mixed it is. pure love and joy and contentment but also simultaneously feeling so down and overwhelmed and some of the worst feelings a person can feel about themselves. what is the human brain, how can it be like this all at once.

thinking i might call that postpartum psychologist who i talked to when i was pregnant.

finished the montessori book, the first book i’ve physically read cover to cover in a while (have just read pieces and parts of baby/parenting books for a long time). feels good to finish it. inspired me to finish some other things today.

i checked out Braiding Sweetgrass from the library for my next book—a non-baby related book. been on my list for a while. looking forward to the experience.

cleared off and organized the top of my dresser. i have my various creams and lotions and essential oils and jade roller and lavender sachet and jewelry boxes on there now, and it’s so nice to have a little self-care area.

feeling better overall today though. spring is coming. it will be here soon. i can feel the green sprouts germinating in the soil of my soul.

11:27pm - hard week

wild that i am journaling at the exact same time as last time. a pattern.

i don’t really know why sometimes i decide to journal here and sometimes in my gemlog. just whatever feels right i guess.

i cried in front of people i don’t know well today. same thing happened this time last year, according to my line-a-day journal. a pattern.

i went to mom-exercise class and when the instructor asked me how i was doing i said, “it’s been a hard week” and just started crying and i couldn’t stop.

the instructor at first gave some comforting words, but then moved into unwelcome questions and advice and that made me shut down again. held it together the best i could during the rest of class. left early. instructor gave me a high five and told me i was doing an amazing job and that made me cry again on my way out.

baby is doing wonderful and crawling and babbling (“ba ba ba” and “ma ma ma”) and pulling up to stand all the time. but her eating and sleeping schedule is wildly unpredictable, despite me trying to have a schedule.

her refusing to eat stresses me out to no end. i have no idea why she won’t nurse or eat a bottle when i know she is hungry. she just cries and twists away and gets distracted and wants to play but also is fussing because she is hungry.

i feel so helpless during those times. i can’t force feed her! and she is below the first percentile in height and weight and so i am not approved to sleep coach/train her, because i have to feed her whenever she wakes up at night. she eats great at night—it’s the time when she eats best because she is sleepy and not distracted.

i have not slept for more than four hours straight in weeks. and i’m exhausted. that is largely contributing to any negative emotions i’ve been feeling. i’m just exhausted. and hard on myself.

and then, during the day, sometimes her naps last 40 minutes and it’s impossible to get her back to sleep. and then sometimes she naps for 1-1.5 hours, which is perfect. and then today she napped 2.5 hours. how am i supposed to follow any kind of schedule like this?

the pediatrician is nice but wildly unhelpful and gives us no guidance or plans to get her to gain more weight, even though she’s concerned about her weight, but also says she’s perfectly healthy. i want to try a new pediatrician.

the baby is the best part of my day. she is soooo happy and fun and a marvel to watch. i just get so anxious every time she doesn’t eat or sleep well. because i just want to take care of her and make sure she’s okay.

at least she loves to eat solid foods. that part is fun.

i am sad we had to miss swim lessons this week because she was refusing to sleep and it would have kept her up for too long.

we have freaking ants everywhere. tiny ones, like sugar ants. i pulled absolutely everything off our kitchen counters and cleaned it all thoroughly and sprayed it with ant spray and put everything back. keeping absolutely no dirty dishes in the sink or clean dishes out to dry—everything must be cleaned and dried and put back right away.

but they are even in our bathroom. looked up while showering and there were at least ten crawling around on the ceiling. like a horror movie. why?? how?? what is even in the bathroom that they like?? it’s so stressful.

feeling isolated. i miss socializing with my friends after practices and shows and just in general. it’s hard to get away. and i miss the baby when i’m away.

but i got lunch with a friend today and that was so nice. i really needed that.

another friend who is pregnant and due next month fell and almost had to have her baby. luckily her contractions slowed and the baby is fine and they sent her home. i think her being in the hospital (the same one where i delivered) brought up a lot of emotions for me the last couple days, just thinking back on my own experience and reliving it. it was a very positive experience but still a really emotional one. especially when thinking about all that could have gone wrong, and worrying about my friend and her baby.

having my period since monday also has made this a hard and exhausting week. not having a period for a year was wonderful. huge perk of pregnancy.

i have to memorize my lines for the sketch show i’m in.

i have to do something about sleep.

i am either feeling like an empty shell, or a shell about to burst with tears. or i feel completely fine and just tired. but i always am hard on myself. Always.

_______________

i turn 30 tomorrow. weird that the last time i closed in on a decade of life, i was a teenager. and before that, i was a kid. now with each new decade i will just be Adult forever.

adult then adult then adult then adult. middle age. then old. then… really old.

my goal is 106. so i can live in three different centuries. i think that would be neat. maybe i would live to see my great great grandchildren by then. any ancestors would be nice. i will tell them about cd-roms and video stores and phones with cords and the pink old navy t-shirt i had for new years that said “2000” and the zeroes were ladybugs.

i think i hope i will try to write more of a reflection tomorrow. the baby is crying. less than half an hour until my birthday.

really cool when the baby cries for 5 seconds and wakes us up and then goes right back to sleep! goodness she scared me.

i want to engage with more flounderers! fyi to anyone reading this, my “paper cranes” file is my messages/mailbox file, which is not obvious.

i want to learn how to actually fold paper cranes. then i can teach the family how to fold napkins into cranes at easter. this is doable. i wonder if that would count as a new year’s resolution?

i was exercising a lot but have slacked off a bit this christmas week. hey, it’s winter break!!! i did do ring fit adventure on the nintendo switch. that is fun exercising. will resume my dedication when my in person exercise classes resume in the new year.

a friend found out she wasn’t invited to our small board game nye gathering and was crying and upset. explained to her at the party yesterday that we invited all couples, and the one single person we invited was to even out numbers with our other single friend; also i wanted to get to know that single person better since we’ve never hung out before.

this friend definitely thinks of us as closer than i actually feel. this thing felt so middle school. her immaturity for someone 12 years older than me is exhausting. she was drunk and refused to talk to me at first and—this kind of stuff is why we didn’t invite you, sorry!!!

i’m almost 30 and don’t want to spend my time with people i don’t want to spend my time with—especially now that we have a baby and our personal time is more limited.

i wrote at least one line a day in my bedside journal for all of 2023 and i’m really proud of myself. just one day left. it’s a five year journal and i really hope i finish it! crazy to think of my daughter as a little kid, maybe a kindergartener, by the time i finish it.

i have one more day to write her 6 month poem. also i want us to finish our puzzle. and we need to collab on my sah schedule for next year. also the baby might be teething and ruin any hope of sleep coaching. but i need to finish reading the sleep coaching book! ugh. i like tv too much.

a friend said she read SIXTY-THREE books this year. that is so many books!!!

it’s very funny how i am desperate to write and publish a novel, and yet i hate reading adult fiction. i like my nonfiction books. there are so many good child development books!! i like learning. and feeling like a better parent.

i need to find a new audiobook and podcast and find more time to listen to those again.

husband and i both got cd related things for each other for christmas. v cute of us. i burned him some mixed cds. he thrifted me a rad holiday shirt with embroidered skiiers and sparkly evergreen trees. and we both got each other chocolate from our favorite local chocolate shop. we decided future gifts for each other must be either 1) handmade, 2) thrifted, or 3) consumable.

i’m too excited about my party ideas. we always want to host parties!

i am excited to makeover our living room in the new year, if we can swing it.

happy holidays, y’all <3

_______________

of year space

at the christmas eve gathering at my sister’s, both my mom and my dad were in the same room as my daughter at the same time, for the first time ever. they had only ever visited with her separately before then. it was really nice and kind of weird.

my parents got divorced when i was so young, i really don’t have many memories of them together, and if i do have memories from that time, they’re not of them being a couple. they have always been my mom and dad, separately. like people from two different friend groups—i just don’t associate them with each other.

at christmas eve, they chatted together a long time, just socializing like they would with anyone else at the party. they both are the kind of people who can talk to anyone (i get that from both of them). it was both surreal and totally normal at the same time. idk how to describe it.

it was special having them both smiling at their granddaughter at the same time. both of her true direct ancestors, together at the same time. my husband took a picture of the four of us all together from across the room. he said he wanted to capture what seemed like a rare moment.

…

i have to write her 6 month poem soon. before the new year. god, it’s wild how fast time is already passing. i think it already went at this pace, but i think having a kid multiplies it.

a day for her is a bigger fraction of her life than it is for me. i think that’s why days go by so much faster for older people. we are eating the time pie in tinier slices.

_________________

tired. she didn’t sleep the best last night. i wonder if sleep coaching will actually work. will start on the 30th, after all our evening social commitments for the month are done. supposed to dedicate 3 weeks to the process.

my mom came over to watch her this morning. she took over putting her down for a nap and she only slept for 30 minutes. ugh. she had such great naps yesterday, over an hour each. i wonder if it was just because of me or other reasons why it was so different yesterday.

went grocery shopping while my mom watched the baby. finished steve martin’s audiobook born standing up. i liked it a lot. apparently he has two other books that he reads for the audiobook—will have to check those out. shopped at aldi and then went to our local grocery store chain for whatever i didn’t find at aldi (specifically salad dressing for the salad on sunday).

yesterday i had her try on her baptism outfit to see if it would fit her this upcoming sunday. she looks so beautiful in it, a little angel. she looks beautiful all the time. but white lace really makes her look cherubic. i unexpectedly love her white squishy slipper shoes that make her look like she’s wearing two little pillows on her feet.

yesterday, i noticed she had a hair wrapped around one of her little toes so tight that it was swollen and squeezing off the circulation :(((( i managed to get it off (with lots of tears from her), but it left an indentation in her skin all the way around the toe :((((( i am putting ointment on it and watching out for infection.

this is her second real physical injury (first was when my mom knicked her finger tip while trying to cut her nails). it is so distressing. she is so perfect and unblemished, i hate when her perfect little body is harmed by the world. so strange to think how she will have many small injuries like these over her lifetime. i want to protect her from it all. i also have the strange thought of, “i grew that perfect finger! i grew that perfect toe! and now they’re damaged!”

i also went for a stupidly long walk with her to the library today. it was a beautiful sunny but cold day. the walk was 50 minutes each way. and on the way back, i had a ton of heavy books in the stroller, which made it that much harder to push uphill on the way back. that whole time, i thought she would fall asleep and take a nice long nap. but of course she fell asleep 20 minutes from home and then couldn’t fall asleep in her crib.

my husband, baby, and i went to dinner with my (step) brother and mom. it was a good meal and the place we went was very cozy with colorful christmas lights and snowy decorations, and an amazing elderly man playing christmas songs on a keyboard and an accordion at the same time. the waitress gave my brother some sass on top of her somewhat neglectful service and it put him in a bad mood. he very kindly paid for all of us. the baby didn’t fuss until the end when it was clearly past her bedtime after a day of poor sleep. she did so good the rest of the time. so smiley and cute. she is the cutest. she has head-turning cuteness.

i started writing a sketch today for a sketch show i was asked to be in next year. i wish i had read my book instead.

i planned the rest of the improv academy out yesterday and am talking it over with my teaching partner tomorrow morning.

we’ve been watching a lot of everybody loves raymond and eating a lot of chocolate pudding that i make from the box.

i am so tired. but journaling is good i guess. i always write more than i mean to. this is why i like physical journal pages—because they limit me (in a good way).

good night flounder

xx

________________

i have officially started my stay-home-motherhood and it is lovely. it is so wonderful to not have to dread going to work or school the next day. i can just focus on my baby girl. i haven’t had this since my maternity leave.

one similarity between this time and my leave is that this is kind of like a holiday break for me. my husband and i are going to sit down and make a schedule together of things we would like done around the house on a weekly basis. we’ll start the new schedule in the new year. then it will be like starting my official “job.” i’m looking forward to it but i am also nervous. i am homemaking-inclined in the sense of mothering and cooking, but not as much when it comes to cleaning & chores. not to blame it all on my parents, but i never had to do any chores growing up at all. so they’re all relatively new skills that i learned in my adult life and i do not have a great relationship with them (i hate them). but i’m hoping that when framed as my “job” i can buck up and do what i need to do, rather than, say, trying to vacuum after a day of work or on my day off.

an unfortunate side effect of not needing to report anywhere the next day—i have reverted to my night owl tendencies (like i have done on every single holiday break of my entire life). my natural inclination is to stay up until 2am and sleep until 10am. this is not sustainable nor possible with a baby. i have mostly been doing the staying up part but not the sleeping in part, and i am so tired. so so tired. i need to start going to bed at 9pm again.

the baby is napping longer now occasionally which is wonderful. but you still cannot tell if it’ll be a 35-45 minute nap, or an hour-and-45 minute nap. i am trying to sleep when she sleeps but it is either ill-timed or i feel too guilty for it (bc i should be doing other things instead).

i have been tutoring a high school kid in AP English on a weekly basis and it’s taking up a good amount of my time. i have to read what he reads and then read and edit his papers and then type up a document of feedback to organize my thoughts for our virtual sessions. it’s nice working at the high school level again though. i have been working mostly with 5th-6th grade for too long.

been teaching a weekly improv class too. it’s so fun. they’re 6th-8th graders, mostly 7th. wild how kids can be such a huge range of personalities within the same elective—from the hammiest of hams, to making the bare minimum amount of sound.

my improv shows have been going well too. four out of six complete; just have the next two saturday nights. the improvised christmas carol one went really well and was very fun. very happy to feel good about that one.

ok i should go to bed

night xx

____________________

take it back

my mom has been doing a good job putting in the effort to connect with me as an adult. she texts me all the time and asks to go to events together and offered to babysit so that i could go to my friend’s event which was very kind of her. i was just upset during my last entry.

my dad is still frustrating me. didn’t respond at all when i said i missed them at my husband’s surprise party. but when i send a picture of the baby he responds right away. i want him to care about my whole family. hurumph.

_______________________

start of october

on saturday, i threw my husband a massive surprise festival/variety show/party experience for his 30th birthday. it was called Live Laugh Love Fest and everyone who came showed him how much they loved and admired him. i needed him to know that. i booked his musician friends to play, our comedy friends to do improv, and our close family and friends to tell stories about him. i gave a toast, we had lots of food and cake and drinks, a raffle basket full of merch from the performers, a silent auction where people could bid on custom songs written by my husband, a honey roast, a karaoke contest he judged, and at the end of the night we all danced to “Jump in the Line” by Harry Belafonte. his band got him to play with them and it was incredible. i am so glad he loved it. it really was selfish of me because it was all things i enjoyed too. i keep rewatching the videos from it because i loved it so much. it really was a special and magical night. i think it was a good way to start his next decade.

today is the second anniversary of his dad passing away. i miss Pops very much. my husband is a musician and philosophical thinker like him. Pops would have loved watching his son on that stage, watching him be a father, watching others love and appreciate him so much. i could feel his love through the music that night. maybe that’s why i’m rewatching those videos of it so much today.

my stepdad’s death anniversary is coming up on the 16th this month. i miss him a lot too. i found a journal from when i was 9 where i had written down a memory i had with him that i had forgotten about. about me trying to eat faster than him every night at dinner in a silly competition. i am glad i have that memory back now.

i am struggling with the relationship i have with my dad now. i don’t know what to do about it—should i tell him how he’s making me feel, which would undoubtedly make things rough between us? i have already lost two father figures—do i have that time with him to waste? should i try to fix our current dynamic? or ignore it and just focus on making good memories? i don’t know.

i am glad my husband is so thoughtful about the kind of father he wants to be. he says he is most looking forward to when she is 40-years-old, which i think is very funny. but the more i thought about that notion—wanting to see who your daughter is and who she’s become when she’s 40, wanting a good relationship with her then—shows just how much love and effort he’s willing to put into those 40 years to get to that point.

when i think about my parents, i realized that while they did a really great job of giving me a wonderful childhood, I don’t think they were prepared to still be my parents when i was an adult. i do not have the relationship i want with them; i am not as close to them as i was when i was a kid, and i don’t think that’s my fault—because i have tried reaching out and putting in the effort, and they don’t seem to want to match it. it makes me sad and hurt and angry.

it’s all become magnified since i’ve become a parent. exhaustingly, i’ve been reflecting on parent-child dynamics more than ever before. knowing my husband’s parents has made me change the way i see my own. that makes things harder sometimes. there are things that my parents did before i had become a parent, that i might not have thought twice about then; but now that i have a daughter, i am noticing some of the ways they treat me in which i would never want to treat my daughter: unnecessary and thoughtless criticism. apathy. passive aggression. selfishness. not putting my thoughts and feelings first.

i am looking at every action and decision and conversation with them with a hyper awareness that i don’t want. it’s making me feel worse about them than i want to feel. i don’t like it. do other new parents feel this? i feel such guilt over it. i feel so ungrateful and hypercritical of these people who did so much for me.

but i am not taking issue with my childhood (my entries from my 9-year-old journal were very happy); i am taking issue with the way i am being parented in adulthood—because it doesn’t stop there, and i think maybe my parents think it does. i don’t know. that’s how it feels. i feel like such a little kid, tantrumming from the lack of attention from her parents. but i still need them. and sometimes it feels like they don’t want to deal with me anymore. they love the grandbaby. but i am difficult. (shrug/sigh)

we are determined to be good parents. to put her first and show her pure love through every stage of her life. i think all the time about the ways i will likely mess up, to try to get ahead of them. i plan on asking my kids for a lot of feedback. but not too much, and not in a crazy desperate way—I don’t want to mess them up!!!!! but i do want open communication. and i think a voluntary mid-year evaluation from a six-year-old would be both hilarious and helpful.

______________________

i hate how much of my thoughts are already being dedicated toward work. i was already sleeping anxiously because i’m afraid something bad will happen to the baby. {insert prayer here.} now i am also having work stress dreams again.

and during the day. i’m thinking about work too much during the day. when i’m clocked out. when i shouldn’t care about work.

very intense meeting today where the instructors wrote a very honest letter to admin about all their very valid concerns. and kind of skirted their issues with this one employee but also addressed it. ugh. it’s very good that we’re finally having a direct conversation about it all, because all the resentment led to a lot of bad vibes that developed while i was gone. but it gives me anxiety.

so weird to have been a part of the meeting virtually while everyone else was in person. i hit “end” to the meeting and had no one to debrief with. i think one instructor might have been crying. i texted her but she hasn’t texted me back. which she totally is not obligated to do, but i’m distressed that she might be distressed, because i care about her.

i hate that i’ve returned to work a scab. before i was a coordinator and was technically considered admin, but i was on the same level as the instructors. now i’m a manager and automatically part of the problem. it’s like i switched over to the evil team. i hate it. i hope i can make things better and actually advocate for them and make change.

aaaAuuughhhhhauuuAaughhhgghhhhh… so much anxiety.

i’m afraid i made an ass out of myself toward the end of the meeting because i couldn’t read the mood of the room while virtual. idk. i was trying to make people smile. i was saying i was happy to resume assigning tasks with my crazy color coded whiteboard, because it was satisfying to me. just poking fun at my dorkiness a bit. i saw some people smile and it sounded like they were enthusiastic to have that again. idk though, cuz i think that one instructor was crying. i feel dumb.

it’s not fair to them to have a manager who is not present. but i have to prioritize my daughter. which means i have to stop thinking about work and being anxious about it. there’s nothing i can do about it right now. it’s not like i’m going to ask someone to debrief the meeting with me after hours. J isn’t hear to talk to about it. SD came by and that was nice, but it didn’t get all my scaries out.

i have to learn to self soothe. without talking to anyone about it. hm.

i’ll work on that skill. my baby is also working on that skill.

______________________

i am spending all my energy on journaling when i should be writing creatively!!!! journals are junk food!!! i need to eat KALE!!!

also i realized i am not letting myself read the poetry that i want to read until i write the things i supposedly want to write. i don't know if this punishment is good for me, or if allowing myself to read those things would inspire me to write.

why does this thing i love to do feel so much like work??

it's crazy how easy yesterday was. i stopped home in the middle to feed her and snuggle her and kiss her and change her diaper, so that definitely helped. and so it was only 2.5 hours in a meeting, then driving home, then time at home, then driving to work, then 2 hours working, then driving home again. so it went by really fast. like two quick errands.

at work it felt like no time had passed at all. i completely skipped over our summer season, and we're back to the school year schedule, so it's like i picked up where i left off. like i was just gone maybe a week.

same relationships, same jokes, same topics of conversation.

except they all ask about the baby now. i have to resist showing pictures because i don't want to be That Person. just the lock-screen photo. i show more only if they ask.

i love it when anyone asks.

my one office-mate got engaged--i am so happy for her.

we'll see if my promotion affects any relationships down the line.

today working from home was harder than yesterday. harder to type one-handed while holding her. took me two hours to write an email (compared to my usual hour; i am so slow when writing emails). i had to constantly stop to tend to her in some way.

hard to be in a meeting when i hear her crying in the next room, even though i know joseph has her.

hopefully it'll get better. hopefully we will get used to it and find our swing of things.

last night after work, my best friend SD came over and taught me how to use the sewing machine my MIL gave me. it is very difficult and persnickety, but it is a lot of fun. i really enjoy it. it scratches some kind of itch i can't identify. i like figuring out what's wrong when it growls at me. i like being good at it.

i sewed the large majority of the baby's halloween costume already--a pumpkin. i still need to:

1.a. sew closed the arm holes and b. redo them in different spots (they're currently too close together in the front)

2. add polyfill to make it poofy (SD will bring me some)

3. sew the bottom hem

4. add elastic to the collar and hem

5. sew closed the whole thing and turn it inside out

6. make leaves out of felt and sew those on

7. make her hat (i need to buy green fabric for this)

i can definitely do it before halloween. i am so excited. the black onesie that she will wear underneath arrives today. she will look so cute.

i am kind of sad my MIL wants the sewing machine back, or at least she wants to share it. i really am enjoying it. i want to make blankets for everyone i know. i am not ready for that yet though, i don't think. first, the costume.

joseph has a show tonight. he is going straight there from work. the baby is currently sleeping on my lap. my plan tonight is to write and read. maybe sew some more if the baby lets me. idk what i will do for dinner. we'll see.

i asked my mom (who now lives 10 minutes away) if she wanted to come by and keep me and the baby company tonight. she said she went into the office (a 10-minute commute) and had a long day. so i assume that means no, she doesn't want to.

this annoys me.

she said the same kind of stuff when i was pregnant and i asked for help. that she did one thing that day and was tired.

um, does she know how tired pregnant women are? i have a newborn who wakes me up three times a night. i just went back to work. i am more tired than you, mom.

i'm fine not having help tonight, but it still annoys me. it hurts my feelings. it hurts not because i *need* the help, but because she doesn't want to help. to do a minimal thing to help. and it would be a big help. of course i can watch the baby by myself. but does she not realize how helpful just having someone hold the baby for 15 minutes can be?

what is the point of her living so close to me?

she only moved here for her boyfriend. not for me. how did i not see that before?

i would be there for my daughter.

it's fine. i'm getting by. i like my alone time with the baby. i like time to read and write and sew. it's fine.

i can never share this site with anyone if i'm gonna keep complaining about people. lol. maybe i'll delete these someday.

__________________________________

good day

it’s been really perfect fall-ish weather the past couple days. cloudy and chilly and a bit misty. i love it. wore a sweatshirt. i love sweatshirts.

we compared our baby pictures to our baby today. i see both of us in her, but i think she favors joseph a little bit more. i am so excited to see who she becomes.

went to half price books and sold two totes and two cardboard boxes worth of books. a lot of them were young adult books i had from my classroom library from when i was a teacher. a lot of them were from my friend’s old classroom library too. and then there were a whole bunch of out-of-date educational books my grandma gave me as well. we got $20.60 for all of it.

there were a lot of great books and dvds for sale there that we would have loved, but really it just made us want to go to the library.

the baby was soooo good in the carrier. looking all around, and then so sleepy. she is so cute.

we also went to joann fabrics to buy materials for her halloween costume. i’m going to attempt to sew her a little pumpkin costume. my best friend is going to come over on monday to teach me how to use the sewing machine my MIL gave me. i am excited. i think it’s going to turn out really adorable.

i had another improv show tonight. it was a game show format similar to game changer or make some noise (dropout tv). i feel good about my scenes with my team and my choices as an individual player; we had fun.

the host however was very critical of the players during the show. joseph had predicted as much, because this particular person has a tendency to be a little too mean in a way that’s not always fun. not what you want from any game show host, but especially an improv game show. so i was able to take his flippant comments with a grain of salt.

and he didn’t even have the slideshow prepared… he was flipping through his notebook for the prompts because he didn’t bother to update the slides. the title of the show on the first slide wasn’t even updated. not a good look. people paid money for this show! they deserve better! very unprofessional.

joseph would make a much better game show host. he makes excellent powerpoints, and also his laugh is loud and wonderful to hear whenever you’re on stage.

it’s fun to debrief shows with him, even though he wasn’t at this one because he was watching the baby. it’s a bummer we can’t really go to each other’s shows anymore because of that. but we will get babysitters for the important ones if we need to.

i have so many ideas for things to write on here. and i am overwhelmed by how much is on here to read too—so much poetry i want to delve into. it’s hard to find the time to both write and read. i’m definitely doing more than i was before though. i wonder what it’ll be like when i go back to work.

i think if i stay off social media it will be good. it will give me back a lot of time. and be good for my brain and self-worth.

baby girl is being a good sleeper again so far. going to go to bed to try to take advantage of those hours.

good night <3

___________________________

daughter has new godparents ^.^

and i am going to bed with my hair smelling of bonfire smoke <3

thing-filled day

already did a lot today and more is still coming.

first i want to clarify that i was being very dramatic about last night. it's hard when it's still fresh, right after a bummer set. but i slept on it and it's fine. i talked about it more with joseph this morning. it sucks but it's fine. i haven't thought about it anymore today, so that's good. truly a mandala artform.

what sticks out the most from yesterday was actually talking to and catching up with people. that was so nice. they all wanted to see pictures of the baby. so fun. much more fun showing people in person than posting on social media. it's like how we didn't announce our pregnancy, but just told people when we saw them in person. so fun to see people's reactions rather than hearting a Congrats comment.

when i go back on ig, i'm not going to post so many pictures of her to my close friends story anymore--it'll be a once-in-a while thing instead. a special occasion thing.

i wish you could have more than one friend list on ig for stories. i'd like a long-distance friend list that i could share pictures to more often. hm.

i am way off-track here.

this morning i had a check-in with my boss and we decided on my schedule for next week. just doing 6-hour days for the first couple weeks which will be good. the worst day will be wednesday when i have to get there at 7:30am for our whiteboard meeting before the school arrives. i'm gonna try to push those meetings to 8am this school year. heheh it will be nice to have some power as manager when i return.

i finally sent in my promotion paperwork to hr. they're going to announce it on monday when i go back. i hope my co-workers will be happy about it.

i did other dumb grown up things today like scheduled a check up for a health insurance discount, and filed a claim for a rebate on my contacts.

i also met two other moms from my childbirthing class at the park for an hour-long walk. they're both really nice and easy to talk to. i wouldn't say i necessarily "click" with either of them though. you know how you can magically "click" with some people? didn't exactly happen, but they're really easy to get along with. they're just not "my people." idk, hard to describe.

the one mom i thought i would get along with best, the one who could potentially be more "my people," couldn't come because she woke up under the weather. bummer.

but overall it was a really nice walk and talk.

their babies are so much chubbier than rosie. two cute chunky boys. and my baby girl is still a little peanut. they're just a few days older than her. one was born at a weight that rosemary still has not reached yet lol. that one has so much hair, like a curly little toupe.

it's funny we each had a different popular stroller model: evenflo (me), uppababy (S), and graco (K). one wheel on my stroller squeaked the whole time, which was embarrassing and annoying.

they both were wearing athletic pants and hoodies and running shoes, and i was wearing overalls and vans. lol.

it's a really beautiful day, cloudy and breezy, and lake erie was a nice stormy grey. we were all sweating so much by the end of the walk. it's sweaty out there.

i'm excited that our friends CH & CH are coming over today in a bit. we're gonna do a bonfire in the backyard. should be really nice. :)

______________________

11:45pm

improv show

ugh. i don’t feel good about our set. it was so random and disjointed. we didn’t edit scenes well. there was no emotion, just weird stuff. something that’s fun in practice but not for a show in front of people. we’re always better in our warm ups and practices. dang.

too many people in our group performing at once. improv shouldn’t have more than four people. two or three is ideal. we had six. SIX.

too many cooks in the kitchen.

it’s such a terrible feeling to have a bad improv set. so much squandered potential. gives improv a bad look, because long form improv can be so amazing.

it really feels worse when the next two groups completely crush it. bring down the house. inspire people. the person next to me literally said, “that was inspiring,” after the headliner’s set.

their set was so funny and yet beautiful and honest all at the same time. so admirable. so impressive. like watching a sculptor with a chainsaw make something beautiful out of an ice block. something that makes you go, “what the heck, how is that so good?”

i was so awkward. there was one scene where i just hardly said anything because i couldn’t think of anything. and then in another scene, the lines i thought were actually good didn’t get any laughs like i thought they would. nothing more terrible than silence when there’s supposed to be a laugh.

and people didn’t edit soon enough!!! so the scenes just stretched awkwardly on!!!

it’s so embarrassing to flop so badly in front of people you look up to.

i say again: ugh.

i’d blame it on being rusty, but i did well in my last show. i hope i don’t choke in the show i have on saturday. i really want to do well in that one. i think i actually am better at short form than long form improv. we’ll see.

i wish joseph had been there. he always reassures and reminds me of the good lines that i immediately forget as soon as i walk off the stage. or he will say that the audience was laughing harder than i may have heard or remember. or he will commiserate with me about other players’ choices. or he will cheer me up if it was actually bad. he is always honest with me about the performance, which means more than any empty “great show”s. it’s always honest and always supportive. he’s good at doing both.

it’s probably not as bad as i thought. it’s hard to tell if i am being too hard on myself or if i actually have a good critical eye. i acknowledge when we have good shows, so i think i am right about this show being Bad.

oh well. the moment is gone forever. that’s the beauty of improv. it’s a temporal art form. a mandala. a ripple in a pond. there and gone. appreciated and then (gratefully) forgotten.

it doesn’t matter. nothing matters. if i think about it i will feel bad. so i will try to not think about it ever again. that’s healthy, right? right. good. we agree. thank you for your tacit endorsement of all my behaviors.

i should really go to sleep. it’s 12:14am. i am wasting these precious hours my baby has been sleeping without waking up. i am glad she was good for joseph tonight.

but i like writing here. gotta stack the hours. there are no more hours to do more things. i checked.

6:09pm

last thursday

do people put the time they start their journal entry or finish it at the top of these? i think start time is normal. that’s what i’m doing. but it usually takes me like an hour to finish anything because i read it over about 100 times. (meta edit: i’m done writing at 7:02 lol)

today would have been lovely if not for the impending doom of going back to work.

this was my last thursday with the baby for a long time, until probably december. it makes me so sad.

i’ll be going in person on thursdays and fridays, and work from home mondays and tuesdays. wednesdays will be half in, half at home.

i have a check-in with my boss tomorrow about my first day back on monday. not looking forward to either the check-in or monday. i will be going in this coming monday because i need to get things from my desk, since i went into labor unexpectedly back in june.

but anyway. back to my lovely day.

she didn’t sleep well last night, so we’re going to go back to using the sleep pea swaddle instead of the love to dream swaddle. my husband took her at 6am so i could sleep in some more, like he usually does.

when i woke up around 8am, she was hungry. i showered while she sat happily in her little seat next to the tub. i got her dressed then she got sleepy soon after and she slept on my chest in the recliner. i didn’t put her down in her crib because i just wanted to enjoy her in my arms.

when she woke up i took her for a walk with her in the carrier. i walked for a whole hour, which i hadn’t done in very long time, since walking that long when i was pregnant with her was tough. kind of funny, because now she is much heavier, but i can walk a whole hour with her. she loved looking around at the world, and then she fell asleep. i had her in her little pink bonnet since it was so sunny out. she is so cute.

i listened to a podcast called the snooze button while i walked. in one episode she had a guest who is a professional friendship advisor.

the advisor talked about “digital body language,” which i think is a very astute term. she said that the time it takes to respond to messages, what app you reach out through, copying punctuation/capitalization/emoji-use is all “digital body language.” i like having this term to describe this concept. it makes a lot of sense.

when we got home, she wiggled in the bassinet while i purged some clothes to give to goodwill. she slept in my arms again when she got sleepy.

husband finished work and made us pasta for dinner. she wiggled and smiled and cooed on the couch. i cried about going back to work. he said that this time, right now, the dread, is likely the worst of it. he’s probably right. but i am going to miss her so much when i’m away, and be so anxious about leaving her.

now husband and i are watching the traitors: australia and she’s asleep in my arms again.

i have an improv show tonight, a late one at 9pm. hopefully she’ll be sleepy for husband by then. will update when i get home.

______________________

9/6/23

9:29pm

closing thoughts

i love reading everyone’s journal entries. it’s so amazing to get a glimpse into all these wonderful lives. all these bright and beautiful lives out there in the world somewhere. with every emotion and conflict and joy being experienced fully.

there’s nothing more romantic than living.

i’ll try to leave a paper crane for every site i read. it’s going to take me a while. i’m a slow reader. i think it’s because i read most sentences twice, or sometimes three times if i really like it. there’s so much good writing on here. i’ve been reading things thrice a lot.

thank you for the privilege.

i don’t understand what gemlog is vs if i should make a journal folder. i like folders. i will ask my husband about it tomorrow.

i know i’m updating all my pages too much. i’m probably really annoying on the homepage.

flounder

i really like this place. i’m obsessively building my page, like i do whenever i find something new. i hope this will last though, unlike most of those things, because it’s actually based on something i love (writing) and is not just a fad.

i deleted my social media apps because i know they’re rotting my brain. so with this maybe now i can write and read actual genuine things instead of scrolling through fun house mirrors.

i write in my notes app sometimes, but i am a fishbrain who needs an audience and positive reinforcement to keep going.

i like that it’s a small community of mostly strangers. i can write things here i wouldn’t share on social media. so this place is a good balance of private but with an audience. both comfort in anonymity, and comfort in having your work be acknowledged as yours.

i am glad i added what i wanted to in my own way before looking at other people’s pages, because now i just want to copy what other people are doing. like this journal.

but also it’s kind of nice to have my uniqueness confirmed. i did things the way i thought they were supposed to be done, but really it was just my interpretation, and now it’s a unique thing.

accidentally unique in the process of trying to fit in.

that reminds me of something someone said to me my freshman year of college. i was quiet and withdrawn. and the drum major of the marching band i was in complimented my sense of style. i asked them what they meant by that, and they said i didn’t dress like anyone else at school. surprise to me. and confusion. i thought shorts and t-shirts were normal.

i don’t think i was trying to fit in, but i was trying to go unnoticed. i stood out because i was trying to blend in, and just didn’t do it well.

i still don’t even believe that though because i think i’m a pretty boring person. i think in that case i just dressed like a girl from ohio in new orleans.

i don’t have a sense of style, i just don’t know what i’m doing. i’m just trying my best.

this is rambling and doesn’t make much sense and that’s okay.

ugh i just want everyone to like me.

i was over the moon when i saw brolin’s message; truly so kind. nobody write me any more messages please, because i will love them too much and try to get more.

and that’s what i am trying to get away from on social media: my constant need to show off my life in exchange for validation. i need to pretend no one will read any of this. but also i want to make connections with everyone and be your friend.

i hope you like my adventuring page.

i take back what i said. i do want messages. i eat them up. yum yum yum.