espresso.

universe, explain.

i say, "yeah, i really want to move to london, but i'd be okay with moving to san francisco." of course, san francisco's been actually working out. and i feel like i have more to do here...

i say, "yeah, i really want to live in the haight, but i'd be okay with living in the richmond district." of course, one neighborhood is bigger than the other...

i say, "yeah, i really want to work as a journalist, but i'd be okay with a tech job." of course, i was miserable in my past life, and i love my career...

all of these things have been everything and more, and for all the pain i've experienced, i feel like i'm actually okay; i'm so grateful, universe.

is this what it is? a middle ground? i mean, if i've figured it out, if i've cracked the code... it feels good. it feels like something i can actually build on.

is this the universe giveth-ing? (then where is the take-ning?) or is this what balance is? it's not a big risk, nor a big reward; but it's something, and something substantial, and it's something that i made steps toward myself, leaning on my own connections, my own work, being able to point from A to B. and maybe there were some missteps, but at least i moved forward. and i always knew what my backup plan always was.

the problem is i never considered what happens when all of my plan Bs work out. sure, i didn't end up going across the world, but i may be doing so in a safer, more conservative way. it feels like i'm working toward a sure thing, rather than taking a guess. my goals are becoming... long-form, i guess. longer term. instead of "next year," it's "five years." i have to plan farther in advance. just to set myself up okay.

but i'm still okay, even now. i just need to take care of myself, now. i have no excuse. the thing holding me back is me.

pour another?