7-25

today i had a 24 hour day. woke up at 6:30am, it is now 6:30am 7-26. ate breakfast at my aunt's, then we drove to sfo for my flight. my flight was delayed 5 hours. hung out in the airport, took a work call. Decided to write a new 'financial plan' in response to how fucked my views on money/ambition have been lately. the new plan involves working as little as possible to pay my bills, rather than earning as much as possible "to save". what am I saving for? on the plane I was terrible with anxiety for like the first 90 minutes. my seat neighbor was very kind and sympathetic as I babbled somewhat incoherently about anxiety. after that I finally relaxed and played pokemon and finished dune messiah (excellent life affirming book). arrived in nyc at midnight. the air train was not running so i took a bus, then transferred to the next air train. then i got on the E, which was converted to run local (very slow). then i transferred to the G and waited 20 minutes. took about 2.5 hours to get back to my apt from the airport (it should take close to an hour), I was there about 2:45. I considered ubering but my 4 month "no rideshare" policy has I think turned into a "never use rideshare" policy, like vegetariansim. finally got home to see mere, who had been in my apt since the early evening. I got a great wrap at the 24/7 deli and went back and we stayed up and chatted for a few hours. now it is 6:40 am, bright out, and I wrote this.

7-22

Tomorrow i run a half marathon. Back in sf for the first time since February. Typing this on my phone. Woke up at 5:30, hung out in my hotel, then walked to the mission. Planned today to do a bunch of stuff but i ended up feeling drawn towards other plans. Went to my old coffee shop and got a latte. I felt at ease in the space in a wayi never did in sf, and in my space generally in the city. Went to dolores fora bit and Met up with em for breakfast at my favorite place and had a good time and conversation. I needed to pick up my race packet but i am on an Uber strike, so i tried walking and then gave up and took the bus. Turned out i went to the wrong place and walked 2 miles back the other direction. Got my race packet and then walked all the way back to my hotel in chinatown. Had a nice walk but was worried abt getting sunburnt (i did get a bit). At this point it was like 4:30 PM so kinda my other plans were shot. I realized the transit system in sf is kinda bad, how hard it is to get around outside a small area without a car. Hung out in my hotel for a bit, read dune messiah, then headed back to the mission. I wanted to get a mission style burrito while here and went to my old favorite place and had a really good time. Went to dolores park and read dune messiah until it got cold, heading back to my hotel now. My time in sf was full of a lot of pain, isolation, loneliness, i felt stuck in a limited routine. Only now can i see how this city is full of so much love and joy. It wasn’t the right place for me to be, And covid was a hard time. But i feel clear of any resentment or sadness about the city Itself. I think ii tend to over focus on place rather than other things, but New York really does feel like the place for me. I think I’m finally slowly developing an ease, creativity and joy about my being

7-17

woke up at 6am. forgot to close my blinds, so I woke up earlier, but I've been waking up at 6:30 lately anyway. today was my rest day, so did not run. instead, I spent several hours before work feeling terrible. opened my spreadsheet with my finances to try and calculate how long I would have to work to retire at something close to my current standard of living, or how my finances would be affected by a sabbatical. projected all my ambient negativity towards my job. went into the office at around 9:30. on the subway platform in the morning, a man was bleeding out surrounded by paramedics. people were watching, one woman was crying. took the 3 trains into work, got very little work done. read an article gaby sent me about a fascist influencer named "bronze age pervert" who has a phd and is also a complete freak. had a mostly unproductive day with a few meetings. felt nervous about flying, nervous about running a half marathon. after work, went to the karl marx grundrisse reading group and had an excellent almost 4 hour long conversation. felt positive and opitimistic at the end of it, able to see new ways of living joyously while encountering the structures of capitalism